Category Archives: Moving on

5 Great Things in My Life Right Now


Good things are happening in my life.

I tend to blog or journal only when things are not going well. I think most of us do that. We need a place to vent and collect our thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with that, but… if it’s ALL you do, you’re kind of manifesting the crappiness by putting your energy there, rather than in positive places.

So anyway, I thought I’d share some things I’m pleased about:

1. My house is my beautiful home.
I’m beyond happy I decided to sell my old house and buy the one I have now. Not only is it a nicer home in a nicer neighborhood (holy shit, I have legit mansions for neighbors!), but I am saving money every month on mortgage payments and utilities. But one of the coolest effects of being in the new house is how much it brings me back to how things were, before my Mom had her brain injury and I was perfectly happy being an independent single woman.
This house reminds me of my old one, the one I put lots of work into and personalized until it was my own space. Not only is the layout similar, I’m treating the space like it is MINE. Meaning, I have been turning it into my haven, my place to relax and be calm and happy. I’m phasing out my old, function-only stuff that reminds me of days better left in the past. There’s something to be said for choosing beautiful items to surround you. I know, THINGS are not important in the grand scheme of life, of course. But we do need some things, like furniture, bedding, and lamps. So why not hunt around for ones you truly love to look at, touch, and use? It’s been really fun and I love walking into my home at the end of the day and feeling this cool energy that’s manifesting more and more all the time.
Another benefit? The animals seem very happy there, too. Poor arthritic Hurley appreciates that we have more carpet again. The cats have more windows to sit in, and my Mom bought them their own water fountain. The dogs don’t have to navigate around a big pool right outside the back door anymore, and they have more room to lounge in the sun now that I put the patio in. (I do need to try to break them both of their bad habit of using the patio as a toilet… I am currently hosing things down every day and trying to coax them back into the grass.) They also seem to enjoy our mellow walks every night up and down the street. Hurley cannot walk very far these days, but he loves the grass over at the Mormon church that’s 4 doors down from us. Not sure what it is, but he could spend an hour just wandering around and sniffing every single thing if I let him.
Anyway, it is just so nice to be comfortable in my home again and feel like it is a perfect home base for me, my pets and my family.

2. Got a job interview.
I’ve been quietly talking with a company for almost two months now and finally, this Thursday, I have a phone interview with the person who could be my next boss. It’s another marketing job, and it would be a slight pay cut, but I am still psyched about it because: it is 100% telecommute. I could work from home and not leave my babies every day for 10+ hours! And I’d be saving so much money on gas, food, and wear and tear on my car. I would also be away from the negativity that is my currently work situation and maybe even be more challenged and motivated under a different boss. I’m so burned out from being the ‘voice of reason’ over here–I feel like there are multiple times a week someone panics/overreacts to something and I am able to calm them down, but that role gets tiresome pretty damn fast. Anyway, I hope I am not jinxing anything by writing about this here, but at this point I’m just excited that this opportunity is not off the table yet. A friend of my sister’s works there and she has been batting for me all the way from day one when they created this new position and now they are finally ready to hire and I like to think I’m a top candidate. Fingers crossed!

3. Nephew is on his way!
Two weeks from Wednesday, little Samuel is scheduled to join our family. This time around, my sister has had a MUCH easier pregnancy (no cancer this time!) and the baby is doing just fine. I just adore my niece more than anything, and I can’t quite get my head around how it’s going to be with not one little adorable kid to spoil, but TWO. I felt this way before Rose was born, too… unsure how it was all going to feel and if I could find more love in my heart, so obviously I am confident that we’re going to have a great time with this new unknown! I’m excited to see how Rose reacts to being a big sister and all the times I will be able to “steal her” so her parents can have some one-on-one time with the newbie. I now have a car seat installed in my car and it’s been awesome knowing I can go pick her up if I want to spend time with her. Right now, i am beginning to set up my 3rd bedroom as a kid’s room/guest room, too. I’m in the market for a crib/toddler bed and a chair-top high chair. It’s really fun! I love being an aunt. Love it, love it.

4. It’s often like it never happened.
So, when it comes to ‘getting over’ the horrible asshole ex, I am doing better all the time. A main reason for this is because I am out of the house that totally felt like OUR house (not MY house), of course. But more than that, I have returned to my previous state. As I mentioned in my first section above, I did well being an independent single woman, with my own house and no desires to date again. Now I am back to that, essentially. I transitioned pretty well back to single life, if I don’t say so myself. I love sleeping alone. I love being able to sing and dance around the house and put things where I want them. I love the lazy mornings where I don’t have to get dressed right away and can just lie in bed and read, or the nights I get a burst of energy and start working on a project or cleaning until 1am. So not only does my current house remind me of the house that was “the most ME” of any I’ve lived in so far, I’m mentally working my way back to being totally cool with not having a man in my life.
I miss certain things about being in a committed relationship, but those things aren’t better than what I have now, if I really think about it objectively. I mean, one of the things I liked about the last relationship was the fact that he never gave me crap about anything I wanted to do on my own, so I just did it. Well… that has not changed, now that the relationship is over. No one is STILL not giving me crap about what I want to do. ūüėČ And it’s not like I had sex in my last relationship, so THAT hasn’t changed, either. In fact, it’s better now in one sense… I can fully enjoy my silly crushes on celebrities without any sarcastic/teasing comments or anything. My Ben Barnes crush is more potent now than EVER because the dude is finally enjoying some success in his career. He has been so great in The Punisher and Westworld. So great, and so effin’ hot. I can’t with this guy. I’m ruined for all real-life guys unless they look and sound like him.

5. Writing is creeping back to life.
Another thing I am hesitant to jinx, but I’ve been thinking the way I used to about my book(s). I am back to creating playlists and writing out snippets of possible dialogue when they come to me. These are all things I once did automatically when I was deep into writing my novels, so I am happy as hell these things are coming back. I wasn’t doing this stuff for at least a year (it coincides with the fucking Dolphinaris activism stuff, followed by political activism… I got carried off with the work there and my creative side took a huge and debilitating hit). But now I am waking up again and I’m going to finish writing my current book very soon. I haven’t written more than a couple handfuls of new words so far, but that’s OK. It’s coming. I can feel it. I am SO, so, so damn grateful, because this is ME. This is what I do, what I am proud of. If I do not have my stories to tell and my characters, I am hollow. I’m filling back up again, though. I’m feeling more grounded and centered than I’ve felt in a long time in regard to “what I do.”

I have new goals I’m developing now and trying to put concrete visions into, mostly regarding health and how I spend my time each day, but that’s all stuff for another post. Either way, the point is, my life actually sounds pretty fantastic when I write about it like I did here on this post. That’s cool. I could have written about all the things that suck, that stress me out, that I dislike and I feel helpless about, but I didn’t. So that’s a step in the right direction, I think. I don’t need to fixate on that crap. But it’s fine to fixate on the GOOD. Hell, yeah.


Stop thinking


I need a true vacation.

I know, I know. Everyone says that. Everyone wants to be¬†somewhere else, everyone wants to be relaxing and having a good time. I know. The thing is that I haven’t had a true vacation in a really long time.

I go back to NJ when I have time and money, but the entire time I am there I’m visiting people, doing things, running around… I’m not taking lazy walks in the woods. In 2011 I had the best trip back there b/c I arranged group get-togethers¬†to see people to be¬†more efficient and it worked out well. I had time to go kayaking at the Manasquan reservoir with K and her sister; we went to Belmar to lounge around on the beach another day. For once, I didn’t try to fit too much in. It was awesome.

But since then, my travels have all been for a purpose. Drove out to LA for teh¬†Writer’s Conference in October; that was nice, but it was a tight schedule the whole time I ws¬†there and I had to deal with the anxiety of pitching to agents. Went back to NJ right after Hurricane Sandy– yeah, that definitely made the trip stressful. The next vacation days I took were when my Dad came here to visit for 10 days, and we all know that was a stressful time. We spent a lot of money, energy and time trying to entertain him and keep him busy. And trips for work definitely do NOT count as vacation. No friggin’ way.

There’s a reason I need some time to run away for awhile. My mind is busting at the seams from all of the thinking I’ve been doing. I just changed my depression/anxiety drug cocktail last month and that was a tough ride only b/c my body was reacting to the chemical shift. At one point, when I was technically on 3 drugs at once for a couple of weeks, I was dizzy and forgetful as hell, and even worse, I was seeing things just out of my line of vision. One day when I hung out with R and T cruising estate sales, I completely saw Hurley out of the corner of my eye twice that day. I knew he obviously wasn’t there, but the fact that my brain was making those images appear so clearly definitely freaked me the hell out.

Now I’m evened-out, for the most part. But brain chemistry aside, outside forces are making my synapses fire overtime and I’m worn out.

Here are the main things I can’t seem to stop thinking about:

1) NO LONGER QUERYING MY BOOK. My longtime friend S read my book “In My Blood” and returned to be¬†a scathing, no-holds-barred review. He sent me a full 20 pages of specific notes! I was overwhelmed, but ultimately relieved and excited to have someone just break it down and tell me what doesn’t work, WHY those things don’t work and some general writing-wisdom notes here and there to help me improve my writing structure, tone, characterizations and descriptions. I can’t tell you how much I think I needed exactly this. I have had a strong feeling that something was off about my book but damned if I could pinpoint the problems myself. I couldn’t tell if I was being overcritical of myself like usual, or if I just couldn’t see anything clearly anymore because I’ve been so close to the story for so many years now. Either way, having someone who had never read any of the previous versions read through this with a critical eye changed everything.

It would take me so long to get into details of what S explained to me, but suffice to say I agree with the majority of his critiques/suggestions. I’ve decided to stop sending my manuscript out to agents, entering it in contests or submitting it to independent publishers. It’s currently off the table.

Meanwhile, I am revising it from the floor up. In short, I’ve created an improved, tighter plot that is easier to explain. I’m taking out the diabetes cure thing. Zachary’s no longer imprisoned on an island, as a lab animal. Now, he is 20 and just ended his 2nd year of college. He wants to be¬†a vet and will be interning at a SeaWorld-like¬†park over the summer. He has a secret skill –he can understand the thoughts of animals. He can’t¬†get them to understand him back. Yet. But one day he figures it out and it changes so much for him. And, in his experiences at the SW hellhole, he sees the whales and dolphins don’t belong there. He meets up with a Paul-like character¬†and begins to become an undercover activist. Things get more¬†dangerous all the time, and he risks exposing¬†not only his secret talent but the secrets of the Coalition, a think-tank his parents are a part of and¬†is responsible for making him what he¬†is.¬†On top of that, he’s fallen in love with a fellow activist and his actions are putting her in¬†danger, too. He’s branded an eco-terrorist by the end of the book. THIS is the story I have been trying to find. THIS is the story I am passionate about and the way I can get my message across now.

I’m excited about it and have¬†written about two dozen pages so far. It’s¬†flowing so easy and so far, it’s a blast putting my Zachary into an entirely new life. He’s really been living a normal life, with a mother and father. Friends. Schools. Texting on a cell phone. Driving a car. Working to rehab injured or sick cetaceans at the facility his parents run. ¬†I am so happy for him. He’s far from a normal guy, but he is living a good life.

2) MY TARZAN¬†BOOK. At the same time I’m revising my first book, I am writing the first draft of this Tarzan steampunk¬†book. It’s taking a lot more research than I first expected, but without the benefit of total immersion in a mountain/ tropical forest terrain in Western Africa, I have to try to learn as much as I can about the fauna, flora, weather and topography of the area as I can, so I can pull from it as the story flows out. Fortunately, it won’t be¬†long until my MCs¬†leave Africa to fly by airship back to the Jersey Shore around the year 1900. Then, things take on a carnival, amusement park atmosphere and a love story blossoms. It’s also a LOT of fun. These two books are being written¬†simultaneously. That’s not something most writing pros encourage, since you need to focus to write your best work. But for now, flipping between the two almost daily is working for me now. I am hoping to get some kind of advice as to which one to dive into as my primary project. Which one’s stronger and more compelling? We’ll have to see. If you’re interested in reading the first few pages of each book and letting me know which one you are most interested in reading what’s next– please let me know. No pressure, though. Seriously.

3) NEW JERSEY. I can’t get into this in depth¬†with details, but a future move to NJ is now officially in the works. The real estate values in AZ are rising quickly and I can now make a decent profit if I sell my house, and it seems like this trend will continue for awhile. I have to time things right– sell before the selling price per sq/ft begin to drop off– so I can pay off my debts and hopefully have a nice chunk of money for a down payment on something in NJ. Yes, I will probably buy again even though owning a house has been a huge struggle out here for me. That’s b/c it’s cheaper to buy AND I have 4 pets. Who’s going to rent to someone with 4 pets? I’m just not sure I can find something reasonable. Also, my family will be moving in with me at first. They’ll help me with the mortgage payments, and yes, the work around the house. Living together while we all get settled and established makes the most sense. Again, timelines are TBD and I don’t want this news getting around just yet. It could be way too early,¬†and it could backfire if work finds out.

The main thing is that I’m obsessed with thinking about all the steps I’ll need to take to sell, move cross country, buy a new home, find a new job…all of it. It’s a lot to take on, but I want to be home so very much. It’s just harder every year that goes by that I am away from my home. My best friends. You only get one chance to live your life, so I want to live the rest of mine on the East coast again.

4) BURN OUT. My job, man. I feel so completely done with it. I can’t get a promotion, nor would I want to, seeing how people are treated¬†here from the top down. I write the same kind of articles all the time, month after month. I’m so sick of the processes and working with the contributing authors. I feel bored and uninspired and mostly distracted as I think of the other 3 things on this list all the damn day, every day. I know there is more to my writing career than this. This go-nowhere, no recognition position can’t be¬†the end of the line. I can do a lot more than this. I know a lot more. I could turn things around, get new web-based initiatives moving… but the truth is, I don’t want to do those things here. I don’t care enough. I am done. Just now–literally just now– I got a review back on an article I worked on and it’s saying my article is terrible and has no relevence to our readers. I swear to god, I am just DONE. I want to walk out so bad right now. I am not kidding. I’m tired. I don’t want to do this shit anymore. I hope I find something a lot more exciting, rewarding and less spinning-my-wheels than this crap job when I move away. So many more writing/editing jobs in the NY/NJ area, anyway.

Wow, not FIVE MINUTES LATER, I got my second review back and it also says my article sucks. That’s two thumbs-down reviews in 5 minutes.

I’m out.




Truly scary



I wish it were different this year. Normally, I’d be all excited and geeked out about it being Halloween. But then, Hurricane Sandy hit, and it changed a whole lot.

It’s still surreal that a storm of such force slammed NJ and hit hardest right where I grew up. I realized the majority of my FB friends are from the East Coast, because whenever someone posted about something other than the storm, I was surprised. Over the weekend when they were talking about the storm, I thought it would just be like the other hurricanes over the years: a little flooding along the coast, some trees and power lines knocked down, but nothing major. I remember how we all panicked back in 1985 with Hurricane Gloria. We were evacuated, and went to stay the night at my friend Tracy’s house since they were at a much higher elevation than we were in Atlantic Highlands. And then nothing really happened. I think we got some water in the basement, but that was pretty much it. (And water in the basement at that house was nothing new… happened almost any time it rained hard.)

On Monday, everything became more severe. The flooding was already starting, and spots along the shore were already underwater. People were being evacuated, and I got pretty scared. My sister and I talked to our dad, who lives in a coastal zone only a few blocks from the bay, and he said he wasn’t going to evacuate. He was still of the same mind that this storm wouldn’t be as bad as they were saying it was gonna be. But yeah, as the hours went by and the news kept coming in about how bad it was getting, we got VERY worried about him. (Not necessarily his wife, of course. She could stay in a dangerous, flooded house and we wouldn’t blink an eye.)

Yesterday I had to stay home to take care of my back and sciatic nerve, so I was glued to FB and the internet for the latest news about what had happened back home. It just got worse and worse.

Entire houses were pulled¬†from their foundations and were drifting in the flood water or were blown¬†out to sea. Boats in the Atlantic Highlands marina were thrown¬†up and into the neighborhoods, so several houses actually had damage from boats hitting them in addition to the expected hurricane damage. It seemed like almost every friend on FB lost a tree or even a car in the storm. A LOT of big trees came down. One of my friends posted a photo she’d taken while driving down route 36– someone’s back porch was in the highway. It had been ripped off a house, and was now floating into the road. Crazy!

The photos and videos just make me so sad. I keep getting all emotional and crying, the more I see. I am really upset about Seaside and the other boardwalks, because that’s what NJ is all about, to me. Those boardwalks are so important to all of us in NJ. Everyone went there while growing up, every summer… all our lives. Everyone.¬†I¬†can’t think of¬†a single person back there who doesn’t have very specific memories of at least one or two of those boardwalks. (For the record, my favorites were Seaside, Point Pleasant, Ocean City, Asbury Park and Cape May/Wildwood.) Like, Remember when Asbury was beautiful in the 1970s, and then it went to the crackheads¬†in the 80s? And then it was brought back from the dead in the 2000s by a thriving, passionate gay community? Or Remember going to Wildwood after the senior prom? Or Remember when Kid’s World burned down in 1986, down in Point Pleasant? That sucked! Or Remember going to Keansburg and steering clear of the white trash that congregated along the beach there? But it was worth going there because the games were great, and that italian ice place was the best.

Every single morning from 1993-1997, I drove down Ocean Avenue in Seabright¬†to go to college. We lived in Belford at the time, so I’d take 36 down, over the bridge, and follow that road all the way down to Monmouth. I took that route in particular because as you go east on 36 through Highlands, you can see the ocean ahead. Then you go over the drawbridge and get a great view of the water right beyond the ocean retainer wall. I always looked for whales! I always had hopes that I’d happen to spot a tail or a waterspout in those few minutes I had, but I don’t think I ever did. Sometimes, if the weather was bad, the waves would crash up against the retainer wall, and you’d see water splash up over the rocks! One time, during finals for the fall semester, I remember I was driving home during a really bad storm. I had to detour through Little Silver and Rumson because Ocean Ave. had flooded when the ocean came over the wall. I turned left at the intersection below. It looked like this, back then:

Hurricane Sandy turned it into this:

I am just stunned. It’s insane.

One of the worst things about yesterday was not being able to get in touch with our Dad. None of the phones were working. Miraculously, a girl I know on Facebook messaged me and offered to walk over and check on my Dad! I was floored that she would do that. I haven’t seen her in over 20 years, since we were in Girl Scouts together! But I guess once a troop member, always a troop member, right? She went to his house and let him call me on her cell phone. He was so happy and incredulous that he could call us! He had no electric since 8pm Monday night, no phones or internet…nothing. Fortunately he has a gas water heater so they could still take warm showers. But there’s no sign as to when the electric will come back on at this point.

I finally heard from Kristen this morning. She’s in the dark, too, and she’s not even on the shore. They have no electric or phones either. She finally got cell service after driving around for awhile. She said it’s so trippy, how everything is dark and everyone’s learning to live “like it’s the 1700s or something.”

And if all goes according to plan, tomorrow I will be there, staying as a guest in her 1700s-style house.

That’s because T and I are going back for her friend Amy’s wedding on Saturday.

We’ve been planning the trip since July or so. No one had a clue this would happen. As of right now, Amy’s wedding is still on (fortunately, it’s a smaller wedding at a restaurant) and our flight to Newark is still on schedule. What kind of NJ we’ll be landing in is another story. Nothing’s on schedule, nothing is working out.

The schools in Middletown will be shut down until November 13.

Kristen warned me to bring lots of warm clothes because they have no heat, and don’t expect a hot shower. They’re boiling water to bathe in. This is so crazy…! We don’t know if the electric will come back on while we are there, or not. How frickin’ weird is that?! It will be like camping. In suburban NJ. It’ll be like that show Revolution. I hope it won’t be completely apocalyptic, but we’ll see how it goes. As of now, the looting is starting, sadly. It’s really, really scary and disgusting.

But people are pulling out the kindness in droves, though. Left and right,¬†friends who fared better than others¬†are offering to help anyone who needs a place to stay or a hot shower. Some men are driving out in their trucks to bring water or batteries to people who need them, or offering to cut apart fallen trees. No one’s asking to be paid, of course. It’s definitely heartening to witness all of this on Facebook right now. It’s such a community back there, it really is. I mean, my friend from Girl Scouts absolutely did not have to offer to do that. I hadn’t even considered asking anyone to go check on my Dad, thinking they all have problems of their own! But yet, she still did ask, and it made such a tremendous difference for my family.

I absolutely love New Jersey. I always have, of course. And you guys who read my blog know how serious I have been about my love, for awhile now… and how I want to move back home soon.

This tragedy almost makes me want to move back even more.

I can’t explain it. It’s just that I feel a pull to be¬†there, to help it bounce back, to help out people who might need it… people who would help me, or have helped me. I don’t even know most of my neighbors out here in AZ, and I never have. And the ones I do know are weirdos that freak me out. I couldn’t imagine people out here pulling together to help each other if a catastrophe hit here. What I think would happen would be much more of an “every man for himself” situation, with people hoarding supplies and leaving town as soon as word came that there was trouble coming. They’d probably even leave their PETS behind, if the foreclosure crisis was any indication of people’s behavior when they are forced¬†to leave their homes. It’s just different out here. No one has long-term roots. It would be very nice if I was wrong about the community-factor kicking in… if people did turn out to be¬†helpful to others even if they had nothing to gain by doing so… but I swear to God, I can’t imagine it. It’s very different out here. (I know it’s the same story in Vegas, Cupcake Blonde, right?) Must be something about cities that are migratory and not full of a stationary population. Mehh.

So, I don’t really know what to expect when (and if) we get to NJ tomorrow. I will take lots of photos, for sure. Part of me doesn’t even want to go anymore, knowing the whole trip is going to be strained and sad.

But I do know that T and I have some incredible friends there, and they’re taking this so well. I know we’re going to find ways to have fun, and we’re going to laugh really hard like usual… it’ll be so good to be there with them.

I wonder if NJ will ever look the same again. I mean, will the boardwalks¬†all rebuild? So many structures cannot be replaced. I got all teared up when I saw a photo of the merry-go-round at Keansburg, crushed by a building. Where do you go to get a new carousel, for Christ’s sake? Who knows? Anyway, I really do have high hopes that things can and will get back to normal at some point in the future. Hopefully not too far into the future, but still. It has to happen.

It’s New-fuckin’ Joisey! Only the strong survive! ūüôā

The Euphoria of “The End”


I have wanted to write this post for so long! And now I can:

At long last, I finished my book last night at 1:30am. It is 333 pages long, and 103,239 words.

Everything’s in there now. All the flashbacks, all the pick-up scenes from other versions of the story…it’s¬†all patched together and given a hard edit (heh heh) and in the end, there are 30 chapters. Some are quite short, but I think that’s OK. I read books with short chapters all the time.

The feeling of doing that final save and knowing it’s done just about made me lose my mind. I was laughing and crying and jumping up and down and dancing with the cats and ALL of that. Here’s what the general timeline on this story has been:

Summer, 1996: Began the first version of this book. Zachary was younger and basically an Army/Navy brat who finds out he’s actually a hybrid. Took place on a Naval base (I pictured the one in my town in NJ). Written on looseleaf, I got to exactly page 100 before …

Winter, 1998-99:…I changed my mind and thought, “Nope. I really don’t like this.” My boyfriend at the time (Writer Ex) read what I’d done and pointed out the problems it had and said the one thing that always kinda bugged me: “Why do you torture your characters?” [To this day, I still wonder about that. What’s my psychological profile that makes me want to do that? Ehh. Whatever — it’s storytelling, damn it.]

Early 1999: The new version of the story began. Same protagonist, totally different setting. It took place in a kind of commune, and Zachary was basically free to do what he wanted to. It was a breezy, sunny story taking place in San Diego.¬†Only problem? Not much happened. I couldn’t figure out where the conflict was going to come from.

Fall, 2007: The book had been languishing for years. I went on a cruise with X that November and one of the destinations was Catalina Island. Not only was the place gorgeous as hell, I was fascinated with the fact that, by order of the Catalina Island Conservancy, 88% of the island is to remain undeveloped. There are two small towns on the island. We visited Avalon, which was quaint and pretty. I wished we had more time, because you could do tours into the island’s preserve lands…

That night on the cruise ship, I had an epiphany. I wanted to change the setting from San Diego to that island–or, at least, a fictional version of that island. It made more sense (a remote location, perhaps hidden deep in¬†“conserved” lands, miles from the only town)¬†would be kind of crucial for a controversial project like this).

That’s the harbor, and the town of Avalon. The roads snaking up the mountain into the rest of the island are what caught my creative attention… where did those roads go? Were any secret military bases well-hidden off those roads…?

As much as I hate to admit it, X told me that he believed “the government would have to be involved in a project like that one”… and the new version of the book was born. I wrote the first scene once we got back home, and it’s only partially changed over the years since.

Summer, 2012: I find out about the Writer’s Conference. Decide I’ve had enough with procrastinating with this thing. If I want to live the life I want to live, I have to actually write and finish my fiction. Something clicked, and I’ve been hard at work ever since.

And so, this has clearly been a huge part of my adult life. I know my protagonist back and forth, and I can see the Complex where it all takes place clear as day in my head. I know the personalities of all the dolphins and, especially, the hybrids. I admit it: I love this story. I wrote the book I would like to read, which is the most important piece of writing advice ever: Write what you want to read.

I think I’m close to completing my pitch and query letter, as well. I ordered business cards (well, they’re technically ‘networking cards’) last night from VistaPrint¬†so I have something to hand to people who could be interested in my fiction work. I’m seriously planning my wardrobe for the Conference so I make the very best impression on everyone I meet there. I want to show everyone that, without question, I am serious and focused on becoming a published novelist. I’m not afraid of hard work, revisions, critiques, etc. I understand that if this book doesn’t sell, my next one WILL. I’m realistic. I’m also learning every single thing I can find about the business of publishing fiction. I’ve read over sample agency contracts and have a cheat-sheet about the different rights and any fees that could be on top of an agent’s 15%. I’m prepared and ready to fuckin’ DO THIS.

I’m gonna go in there and own the place.

Honestly, I don’t know where this confidence and “fuck it all, I’m going for it” attitude came from, exactly, but… I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m savoring it and plan to make the most of all of it. I’ve spent too many years shrinking away into the background, talking myself out of writing this book, putting off any hard work, and settling for a mediocre everyday existence of get up, go to work, write stories I don’t care about whatsoever all week, come home, do the same damn things every night, go to bed. I’ve been bored and unchallenged for far too long and atrophy was starting to set in, for real. If I don’t do this, right now, I could risk getting sucked into a complacent, average and uninspired existence that I’ll have a hard time getting away from as more time goes by.

I have already wasted far too many years of my adult life. That shit ends now.

GOD, that feels good!!!!

So, if you’re reading this, and you have some dream or goal you’ve been putting off because it’ll require hard work or drastic changes in your life…or because you’ve told yourself you’re just not ready/ strong enough/ smart enough/ good enough to pull it off… I really do hope that you get to a point where you make a solid try and take steps to do what you’ve always wanted to do. If you’re like me at all, you’ll surprise yourself how sucked in you can get once the ball is rolling!

Just don’t be hard on yourself. ūüôā Life is shit and it’s not easy. But sooner or later, you have to learn to say “fuck it” and move on to the next thing, and the hell with all the other insignificant stuff.

And if you want to give yourself something luxurious and extravagant, make that thing time and effort to become the person you want to be.

Not settling for vanilla anymore



So, I am taking an online course called “How to Blog” for work right now. Honest to God, it’s the most useless, waste-of-my-time ever. I didn’t have a say in taking this course; my boss signed me and my co-worker up for it because we might, one day, create a blog for our magazine. But since there are red-tape hurdles in our way, it might not be for a long time, yet. Still, he thought we could all benefit in a class to learn about blogging.

Some of the class’ questions: What is a blog? How do you set up a blog? What kinds of things should you blog about? How do you add links in your posts? Ad nauseum.

I know it’s good for people who know nothing about blogging, but it’s so¬†boring for me. I already know how to write in business-blog style (as opposed to my regular voice), so the one thing I could have benefited from learning– how can I retain an individual voice while remaining very professional/factual?–isn’t going to be addressed in class. I know, because I asked the instructor flat-out and she told me, “I can’t really give you recommendations on your writing style. Your work is great, though! Good job!”

Oh, wow. Thanks.

My boss and co-worker are complete newbies to blogging, though. I actually had to set up both of their blogs because they were utterly confused, and I’ve been teaching them more than the class has. The class didn’t really TEACH anything. The assignment for the first week was: Create a blog. Write 10 posts. Seriously, that was it. And the teacher recommended looking at Perez Hilton for an idea of what a good blog looks like!!!!! What?! We’re paying for this?! (Thank god it’s the company’s dime and not mine.)

Boss and co-worker need help with everything. I made them blogs in WordPress, since it’s easiest, but they’re still floundering three weeks into the class. I have to show them how to edit a post, how to comment on another person’s blog post, how to add in photos (something one of them has not mastered yet at all, which seems weird to me) and change the title of the blog itself. (Both of them still have just their URL’s name as the title of the blog– without punctuation or anything. It annoys the crap out of me.)

I’m somewhat amazed that people who use the internet all the time don’t know anything about blogs. And this is my BOSS, to make it even more mind-boggling. How’d he get to this point, as an editor, without knowing anything about blogging? Oh, well. My amazement doesn’t change the facts. Sigh.

I wish I could get some kind of extra credit for all the help I’m giving them right now. I won’t, though. I just had my performance review and he just sort of glossed over all the stuff I am doing to help them get through the blog class.

I’m ready to do something else. I mean, when the next phase of my life kicks in and if an opportunity to do something else to earn money for a living comes up, I’m going with it. This job’s been fine. I made decent money, and I don’t lose sleep over my work. Sometimes I get really busy and have to work at home and on the weekends, but other times it’s slow and I have time to waste and/or work on my real writing. So it could be a LOT worse.

But, you know, this is IT for me, at this job. There is no potential for advancement unless my boss leaves, which he won’t, because he has three kids at home and needs the job (he’s not dynamic enough to get hired anywhere else easily, to be honest). Every year it’s the same old thing. I write the same type of articles each issue, I coordinate the same two columns and I attend the same conferences. I’m bored. My creative headlines and leads get dumbed down and pasteurized, for lack of a better word. I don’t have the final say on that stuff, and it shows. (I would never willingly use the word “thus” in an article– yet, my editor puts it in there all the time. All the time.)

I could not be more ready to plunge into this fiction industry than I am right now.¬†I’m doing tweaks to my book’s first draft now, which is fun, because I’m revising and tightening up sections and writing neat little flashbacks. I’ve begun my pitch and query letter drafts. I’ve begun to outline the sequel. And then, I am formatting two other short stories to submit to some writing contests and magazines (each one has different formatting standards, which is time consuming, but I’m playing by the rules). I am SO doing this. I’m done being vanilla and safe.

When I sell my house this coming year, I’m gonna be so psyched¬†to leave the responsibility of home ownership behind me. I would much rather rent and put money toward experiences; things like travelling. I’m ultra aware of how short life really is, and I am done wasting it doing the safe, expected things. None of that has made me any happier, first and foremost. And none of that ‘responsible’ stuff has brought me a good man, or the ability to adopt or have a child. So, what’s the point? Why not have more fun with my everyday life?! Make the most¬†of what life’s dealt me, and move into a newer, more creatively-fulfilling existence?

I’m changing my appearance to better match my real personality, too. The first, easiest change is my hair. I cut off about 5 inches last night, so no more layers. They only made my hair look thinner and drier. Now I have a blunt bob cut, just above my shoulders. I love it. I will be dyeing¬†it a darker color within the next couple of nights and then going back to the salon for weave/extensions of dark purple and/or blue streaks. I’ve wanted to do this forever, admiring it on some people I see online or at events, and yet I always go conservative. WHY? My job doesn’t require me to have a certain look. We don’t even have a dress code. What am I waiting for? I have to do it now or never, otherwise I will be old and look really weird with purple hair. (Or… it will make me look younger…? I don’t know.) All I know is that I want to be able to compliment myself when I look in the mirror, instead of going, “Ugh. So boring, again.”

The rest of my changes in appearance will simply come from how I carry myself once I start feeling proud again, and feel more like the real me. I’m really excited for that.

I know I am just rambling here at this point. I am simply so ready for What’s Next. I feel like tap dancing towards it! Which is a feeling I will gladly take, for sure. It’s so preferable to the depressed, low-energy, mundane-everyday way I have been living for years. I’m not scared, because I’m not doing anything risky like quitting my job to go “be a writer” or something… and I am older, wiser, more experienced, every day. I’m bringing good things to this fiction journey. I’m not so hung up on trying to keep my expectations realistic as I once might have been. I am allowing myself to believe my writing is strong and unique, and that I do have an honest shot at being picked up by an agent and selling some of my work. It’s a really, really new way of thinking, but it feels nice! I welcome it.

Now: here’s where I ask you if you might be interested in reading my book.

Not right this second. But, before October. Before I take it to the Conference. (Plus, like I said, I am still tweaking it at the moment.) But I do need some readers to just read through it, beginning to end, and give me HONEST impressions and criticism. I don’t need proofreading, per se (although I won’t turn it down, of course), but more or less I want to find out if the story holds your attention, if you are sympathetic to the main character, if it’s got enough action, if it’s paced OK. The ‘big picture’ stuff. I just want to know. I am waaaaaay too close to it to ever really know for sure. Outside, critical feedback is what I’m craving.

I know some of you have already read some of the early chapters, so you will be familiar with many parts of it, but I do think the entire thing has changed since then and so it won’t be a total repeat for you if you read this again. Plus now, it’s an entire story, not just singular chapters. ūüôā

Anyway, if you are interested, let me know. When I finish the tweaking-stage, I can send you the document. I really recommend reading it on a Kindle or something, because I can safely say it looks terrific on that screen as opposed to sitting in MS Word. ūüôā

Thank you so much! (Oh, one other thing: You are so, so, SO not obligated to do this, so please don’t do it out of guilt, or anything like that. That would suck for both of us.)

Monsoon rains, promising winds of change…


I feel quite happy right now. This has been an exceptionally good, peaceful weekend. First we had lots of rain yesterday, which dropped the temperature down to an incredible 79 degrees! My sister and I got pedicures and waited out the rain storm–which was more like a true monsoon storm than anything else– by wandering around a shopping center and getting soft serve ice cream.

Today, it was still cool out in the morning so I was able to open all the windows and turn off the A/C for awhile. Ahhhh! I called my Mom and we went to the movies. We saw “Brave,” which was absolutely adorable and well done. I highly recommend it! I also recommend not reading much about it beforehand, because that’s what I did in this case and it totally helped make the movie feel more magical and the story unexpectedly touching. Plus it is gorgeous. My Mom just kept gasping quietly and leaning over to whisper, “Oh, it’s that beautiful? Amazing!” at many of the scenes. She doesn’t go to the movies very much at all–like once a year– so she just gets into it and appreciates the experience. I love that.

After the movie, Mom and I went to dinner. And that’s when the best part of my weekend happened:

Mom: “I could kick myself for selling the condo on Middlewood sometimes.” (That was in NJ before we all moved to AZ)

Me: “Yeah? Why? Do you wish you could move back to NJ?”

Mom: (Nods empathetically) “Oh, yeah. I mean, my friends are all there, ya know? I like the winters out here, but the summers are getting to be intolerable.”

Because she said this,¬†I was finally able to tell my Mom about the plan to move away. Finally. I haven’t wanted to say anything to her b/c she usually talks about how much she loves living in AZ and in the past, when I’ve mentioned moving back to NJ, she’s been kind of discouraging about it. She hates the NJ winters so much, and she talks about how expensive it is back there. But to hear her talk today and be so positive about my plan was just… the best!

I told her NJ is my first choice, because yeah, I would love to live near my friends and family again so much. I mentioned Oregon, too, and she was even interested in that option. She mentioned Seattle, actually, and said she’d heard how beautiful it is there. I made her laugh by saying, “But Mom, if you move there, you’ll never sleep again. Never. You’ll be sleepless,” and she took a minute before getting my lame joke. (She loves that movie.)

Overall, I’m just feeling so much lighter and excited to have it out in the open and to know she is completely on-board for this when it happens. She wants to split the moving costs (one van) and would be interested in either rooming with me for awhile¬†until we both get on our feet back there, or if we definitely go back to NJ, approaching her old best friend about renting the mother-in-law suite¬†in her house, which has been sitting empty for a couple years now. Wow! That would be amazing if it worked out.

Next, I have to talk to my Dad about it. It would help if he knew, because he¬†might be able to scope out a few rentals in the area once it gets closer to the time I move. (I’m still thinking early June 2013 at the moment.) That 1851 house is still for sale, by the way. The price dropped another $3K this past week. Yeah, I’ll admit I am a little obsessed with that particular house. I don’t want to buy–I want to rent, and not have homeowner responsibilities anymore! But damn, rentals are not as plentiful out there as they are in AZ for one thing, and the monthly rental rates are much more than a mortgage payment would be. Yeeesh. I don’t know what will happen yet! But I love it. I’m excited about the unknown!

Well, I’m off to wash all my fruits and veggies for this week (the first part of the week, anyway) and get to bed soon. I’ve been staying up way too late, researching real estate (rentals) and the job markets around NJ and, yeah, Oregon a little bit. I have to quit daydreaming and get things done in the now, of course. It’s just been lots of fun to let myself get excited about the possibilities. I’m very optimistic that by this time next year, I’ll be in a different state, feeling all keyed up and nervous about having just moved and trying to get settled somewhere completely different. It will be sweet.