I finally got a haircut on Saturday. It was at least 6 months since I had the last one. The ends were brittle and peeling, and everything seemed uneven and shaggy. So, I finally sucked it up and went.
It’s a good haircut. I got shorter bangs again, instead of the sideswept long ones I’ve had for awhile. I always liked how I looked with bangs, since I think it makes my eyes look nicer somehow. Not to mention it covers my forehead bump. (In all honesty, that bump has grown less noticeable as I age, but every once in awhile I either catch someone looking right at it, or they will ask me if I ‘hit my head on something.’ No. I just have an idiotically-shaped skull.)
After my haircut, I met up with my friend Heather for lunch. She lives in Tucson and was up in Phoenix for the afternoon to drive her fiance to the airport. I had never met her fiance, so it was cool to finally do that. My sister and BIL also came along to lunch, with their houseguests D & J, who were in town from California to go to the Radiohead concert this past week. It was a nice time. I love laughing with Heather. The girl’s been cracking me up since we were little kids in Sunday School.
After that, I went home and took a nap since a headache was starting up, and I didn’t want to deal with that during the VNV Nation concert that night…!
I have wanted to see VNVN for years and years, but they don’t come to Arizona very much. They mostly tour in Europe, since that’s where they’re based. The one time they did come to AZ I know it happened to be a time when I was out of the state for work. Man, that sucks. To be stuck doing work-related travel right when one of your favorite bands is FINALLY playing in your state. Well, either way, it finally came to pass that they played in AZ, and not just anywhere– in my very town. At the smaller venue in the awesome downtown district. It was perfect.
I waited until a few days before the show to buy my tickets, in case someone came along that would be good to take to this particular show. But I realized–probably a long time ago– that I didn’t want to invite anyone, really. This was a show I wanted to fully experience without distraction, if that makes sense. I did ask my sister and I would have asked BIL, but they already had plans. It all worked out for the best.
The night of the show it was windy and a storm was blowing in. It was also St. Patrick’s Day, so the downtown area was relatively quiet since there are no bars down there. I was able to park across the street from the venue and walk over in a minute. I was psyched to get in there. I was also pleased to see several pleasant-looking men there. How nice: I get to see one of my favorite bands ever, and there are several guys to gawk at, as well. Bonus!
The only time I felt self-conscious was between the opening band’s set and VNVN. It seemed to take a long time, and I just wandered around, trying not to stay in the same place too long so it would be obvious I was alone. I’m not sure, but I do think I spotted a few other people who appeared to be there by themselves, so that made me feel a lot better.
The show itself was fantastic. I decided to just go full-throttle and let loose if I felt the urge to do so. And I did. Once they played songs that are on my top 10 list, I couldn’t stand still. I danced, I jumped up and down and clapped over my head (they are industrial-tech, so the crowd was into these kind of moves– if fact, the band spurred everyone on, too) and sweated like a monster. My lovely new haircut was spoiled with sweat, but I didn’t let it stop me. I was aware of a handful of nice-looking guys nearby, and a couple that were even checking me out a little, but I remained focused on the show itself and in taking it all in as best as possible. It was FUN.
One of the highlights was when they played “Illusion,” probably my favorite VNVN song. This is the song that I associate with my book. I have been imagining this song on the ‘soundtrack’ of my book for years now. The cool thing was that so many other people at the show appeared to be into this song, too. They stopped jumping around, and sang along. At one point, the singer dropped out and let the crowd since a verse a capella… it almost gave me goosebumps. I felt super-charged and happy, and wanted to run home and finish my book.
I tired myself out as the show went on. My headache from the afternoon returned with a vengeance. I knew I was fading fast, but I did stay through the encore. Everyone was cheering for another encore when I decided I’d gotten my fill and was satisfied leaving at that point. I happily wandered outside into the cooler air and sighed, walking to my car contented and elated. It was pretty close to a perfect concert experience, overall.
And then, as I drove home, who should surface in my life but X.
He sent me a text. “I’m not trying to be weird, but did I just see you leaving the VNVN show?”
So apparently, he was there. I didn’t see him. I’m so relieved I didn’t see him! It would have put a real damper on the experience I had. I wonder if he saw me during the show, when I was going insane with the dancing, jumping, singing and sweating. I hope not. The reason it was so fun doing that stuff was because I didn’t see anyone I knew… I was surrounded by strangers I’d probably never see again. Thinking of him watching me be that free and happy somehow makes me uncomfortable. Well, any time I think of him watching me at all, I feel uncomfortable, so… no surprise, there.
I texted back that yes, it probably was me since I was there. He texted back that he was there too with “a couple of friends” and that he “forgot” I liked that band. NO WAY. Not when I had every one of their albums and played them in the car when we were driving around, back when we were together. Not when I put a song on a mix CD for him when we were first going out. I cannot imagine that he “forgot” that VNVN was one of my favorite bands in the world. I know this could sound egotistical, but I kind of think he went to this show because he thought he might see me there. It’s the kind of thing he would do, after all.
It reminds me of the time he showed up at my favorite restaurant on my birthday, when I was there with my family for my birthday dinner. Of all the restaurants in the area he could have taken a date to, he picked that one, on THAT day? You’ve got to be kidding me. Fortunately, I didn’t see him that time, either. It was only when me and my family were in the parking lot that they all exclaimed their surprise at seeing HIM in there.
Stupid X, creeping around, existing in my space.
I swear, if and when I leave AZ, one of the greatest benefits will be less of a chance of running into him on a regular basis. Seeing him, talking or texting with him, all of that makes me feel a little nauseous.
Well, overall though, he did NOT ruin the experience of seeing VNV Nation. No way. I would do it again! I’m really so glad I decided to go, and go alone. It was a unique experience. Kind of like going to a movie alone. Which reminds me: I hope to go see The Hunger Games by myself, too. I don’t want any distractions. This might seem weird, since wouldn’t it make sense to see it with someone so you can talk about it afterward and everything? Yeah, that’s fine for most movies. But when it comes to movies I am truly excited to see, I get a little selfish. I want to give it my full attention the first time I see it. I’m not sure I will get my way with this movie, since a lot of people have talked about seeing this movie with me and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad… but yes, if I had my choice, I’d be goin’ it alone.
Like so many other things in my life. Alone. BY CHOICE.
Oh, one final thing to mention before I hit publish: I have lost a total of 15 pounds since I began juicing and eating healthier! It could have been a lot more if I hadn’t had lots of moments of weakness, where I gave in to having chocolate or a second helping of pasta or pizza. But at least I didn’t gain anything back. Now I have to buckle back down and keep things moving along… mostly, I have to start exercising for real. Walking the dogs isn’t enough. Yard work once a week isn’t enough. No, I have to do real workouts with resistance and cardio. I wish my living room was a little larger– I could do a DVD or buy a Wii game. The fact is that I need to get my damn bike fixed already. I love riding my bike, and it’s the one thing I really WANT to do. The only thing preventing me from fixing it is walking the bike up to the bike shop. I can’t ride it, since one tire is completely trashed. And then, I will have to walk home alone. It’s NOT FAR, so I don’t know why the hell this is a roadblock for me, to be quite honest! I just feel lazy when I think about doing it. God, I can suck sometimes. Of all the loser, lame things to be lazy about.
Anyway, everything is pretty damn good right now and I’m kind of excited to see what I do next. Know what I mean? I really think I can achieve things I want. I didn’t always think this way. In fact, thinking this way is really very new for me. But keeping 15 pounds off for almost three months is a good start and it makes me feel good when my clothes are all too big on me. (I got such a thrill out of buying smaller pants a few weeks ago!) I know I lost some pages of my book, but the new stuff is better than ever. I can finish this, and I will. I can be healthy and be a fiction writer. I believe it now.
So, here goes nothing. 🙂