The idiot with heightened cuticle awareness


Just call me Lil’ Miss Slow-To-Catch-On, because today I realized that the dollar store is an excellent place to buy gift bags and bows! Huh. I guess I’d never wandered down that particular aisle until today. I wasn’t even there to look for gift bags or bows, either. I was there seeking cardboard drink coasters. Well, I didn’t find any of THOSE. But it’s almost OK, because I was highly impressed with the huge selection of gift bags. Now I know where to go when I desperately need a shitload of gift bags! Praise the lawd!

When I got a pedicure on Saturday, the woman in the chair next to me was kind of an idiot. She was talking a lot, for one thing, to anyone who would listen. But then, she got it in her head that the pedicure specialist (PS) (what is their title?) didn’t cut back the cuticles on one of her toes. The PS assured her that yes, she did the cuticles on that whole foot already. “You were talking and didn’t notice,” she said in broken English. The woman goes, “Excuse me? Look, I might have been talking, but I know when one of my cuticles is skipped over!”

I found this sentence to be so, so funny… I had to look away and bite my tongue to keep from laughing out loud. Anyway, I did feel kind of bad for the PS, because she kept insisting she had already done that toe’s cuticles, and she would “do it again” if there was any cuticle left to remove, but there wasn’t, because she already did it. The idiot lady kept carrying on, and I heard the PS say under her breath, “I’ve been doing this job for 15 years, I know what I’m doing,” but the idiot lady didn’t even notice. She was trying to cover up and be all friendly, but she was still so passive aggressive. I bet she’s the kind of woman who’s really demanding and particular with everyone. It probably sucks being her husband.

Of course, the PS women all began talking in Korean to one another really fast almost right away. You know they were talking about the idiot.

Oh, I just remembered what they are called: Nail technicians. OK, that’s good. Whatever.

Anyway, while I love getting a pedicure and having the sugar scrub and massage and all of that, I do hate when they file your toenails. Oh, cripes, that sensation is so disgusting! It feels like they’re filing my toe BONES down to a nub. Blechhh.

And I also hate knowing that I am probably being talked about in Korean. It’s so unnerving to have people speaking another language right in front of you while they are working on something as potentially-embarrassing as your feet. I imagine they are making fun of calluses, corns, anything weirdly-shaped, etc. I do recall the first time I had a pedicure, they had to do some serious callous removal on my big toes and the woman brought out a razor. And then, she said something out loud and a few minutes later, other nail techs were stopping by to watch her shave skin off my callouses. I felt so embarrassed, like this was one of the worst callous-cases they’d ever seen and that’s why they all had to come gawk.

So after that, yeah, I always assume they’re talking about the condition of our feet. And for the record, my callouses are under control now, thank you very much. I only required a razor that one time.

To wrap this up, here’s Anjelah Johnson sharing her nail salon experience. If you’ve never seen this bit, but like going to get your nails done, check it out. And if you have seen it before, check it out again. She’s so funny.


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