I am annoyed at myself. Plain and simple: it’s because I’ve been slacking off in my personal life.
First, I haven’t been eating well again for the past two weeks or so, and I’m paying the price. Not only do I feel sluggish and headachy on a frequent basis, but I gained back 6 pounds between May 1 and today. Holy smokes. This is not a good thing! I will not let this spiral downward any further. The shit stops now. Today. It already has stopped, in fact. I am back to having my fruit smoothie with flaxseeds for breakfast, a few nuts in the mid-morning (cashews, because OMG, I love those so much anymore) and eat a smarter lunch and dinner.
The sugar beast has been creeping into my head again… asking for and getting things like donuts, candy, sweet drinks (the stupidly-delicious frozen strawberry lemonade from McDonald’s is a particularly bad one, especially on super hot days when I’m driving around and want a cold drink) and a wee bit of soda again here and there. UGH. Well, like I said, this shit ends now. I am better than this, better than giving in to these lame-ass instincts to eat stuff that might taste good in the moment but ultimately leave me with a sugar crash and an overall MEHHH feeling; a feeling I wouldn’t have recognized if I hadn’t drastically changed my diet all those months ago and noticed the difference.
I think that now that I’m getting my food intake cleaned up again I should have the energy to do some good, kick-ass workouts again. I haven’t been exercising much at all this entire year, so far! It’s the worst it’s ever been.
I’m just not motivated to get on the treadmill and it’s for the DUMBEST reason imaginable: I don’t want to be in the office-room in my house, since it’s a cluttered mess and the cats have torn my floor mat to shreds (the foam mat under the treadmill) and it makes me angry to look at it! See, how stupid is THAT?! Anyway, my primary goal this weekend is to pretty much gut that room by pulling everything out and sorting/tossing/filing and cleaning the hell out of it. I’m also considering doing something that could end up looking shitty, but then again it could help the situation: I might cover the floor mat with packing tape and/or some of that designer duct tape.
I want to enjoy being in that room again. It’s weird how the psychological aspect of exercise can override the physical urges to move sometimes. I do get the urge to get up and move, but usually all I do lately is either do some strenuous yardwork or walk the dogs, and it’s clearly not enough. I have to do more. (Plus, walking the dogs isn’t all that fun these days. It’s already been hot out there, and they wind down pretty fast. Also? I have to stop the constant stop-and-pee-on-everything business because now with Moose, it’s gotten worse. We walk a few feet, one of the dogs stops to piss, and then the other will usually have to piss right next to that spot. It’s a whole process, and I have been doing that thing where I just keep walking and sort of pull them along like I don’t notice they’re trying to pee, and it’s starting to work, but only a little bit. It only works once they have both emptied their bladders for the most part. Otherwise, they are peeing as they walk and it’s a mess. I’m working on it, but it’s still not as fun as it used to be when it was just one piss-happy dog to contend with.)
And, finally… I haven’t been working on my writing as much as I could have been.
Everything was going so well, and then– I don’t know what happened. I never do. I just know the writing urge comes and goes without much warning. Well, I want to make it more predictable and reliable. I came up with three new short story ideas recently and have I written any of them yet? HELL NO. Only because I’m too distracted and ditzy to sit down and focus for the time it takes to get into the writing zone. It’s idiotic. I hope that by writing it out here, making it concrete somehow, I am forcing a little accountability into my slow-ass brain to get it moving in the right direction again. I’m so sick of being lame as a writer.
That’s it, I think. Well, one more thing. I guess you could say I’m slacking in the dating game, too, but what else is new? I wish I cared more. I did rejoin Match a little while ago, but I already cancelled my membership. It ends next week sometime. I met one guy who is OK, but we never see each other or even talk. He works 80 hours a week, and I am not as persistent as I could be when it comes to emailing him. We’ve hung out twice, but it’s more of a friend-vibe that I’m getting than a romantic one. It’s kind of a shame, because not only is he interesting as a person, he’s my kind of good-looking. (Long hair, tall, glasses.)
A couple of younger dudes have just contacted me as of last night, though. I changed my profile to be all “I’m ending this membership because it’s just been a waste of time and money” and I guess that grabbed some of these guys’ attentions. Weird. Well, I’ll see what happens and if I care enough to make any efforts.
If that thing about people’s auras and energies is true, then I would have to say that my current aura isn’t a pretty purple, pink or bright blue color these days– nope. My guess is my aura is kinda beige.
Note to self: Wake it up, damn it!