On Monday night, J called me and he didn’t sound happy. He’s got some family drama to take care of and it’s going to cut into his free time in a big way.
He has three daughters, and the oldest is 16. All three live with their Mom up in Durango for the school year, and then they come down to see their Dad for holidays. Each school year, this arrangement switches out. So next school year (August), J will have all three living with him for the year and they’ll go up to Durango to see their Mom for holidays. It’s an unusual custody situation, but I guess it’s been working fine for three years now.
Anyway, the oldest daughter is starting to have problems. She has fallen in with a bad crowd, and she’s started fooling around with drugs. Her Mom caught her with pot, and so she had her tested for any other drugs. To her shock, the girl tested positive for crystal meth. She’s also sexually active already.
J’s devastated. He can’t believe one of his kids would do meth, and he and his ex-wife are freaking out. But it’s good, because they really do seem to be excellent parents. They are not waiting to deal with the issue: they are taking immediate action.
And the immediate action is to have her come move to AZ to live with J. They want to get her away from the harmful crowd she’s been hanging with up in CO, and bring her here, where she has a nicer group of friends and attended church.
And so, J is bringing his daughter home to his house this weekend. They are currently sorting out school transfer paperwork, but it doesn’t seem to be a big issue. She’s already grounded to the extreme, says J, and that’s not going to change once she’s here. He’s not taking this lightly, at ALL. That’s so great. I’m happy that he is a wonderful, caring father like this.
But what it means for me, and us as a couple, is that we won’t be able to see each other “for awhile.” He said he wants to take at least a few weeks at first to get her settled and everything before he can even think about doing fun stuff for himself. That includes hanging out with me.
When he told me, I said it was totally fine, and that I understood, and I was very positive and encouraging. Inside, though, my heart was acting a little like Eeyore. I felt really bummed out. It’s difficult enough as it is to be able to see one another because of the physical distance part. Then, he has had the girls for Thanksgiving and Christmas, two holidays in a short time frame, so that has limited when I have seen him so far. I have seen him a total of 5 times in our entire relationship… and I am counting the first time I met him in that number.
I don’t know what will happen. It will all go one day at a time, like everything else, and I bet we will be OK. But it still sucks. I definitely don’t want to be with him several times a week or anything… I still want to move slow with this, and have lots of space… but the thing with only seeing him once a month, if I’m lucky, is a little tough to swallow. Sure, we will text and email one another, and talk on the phone when we can, but I’d sure love to be in his physical presence sometimes. I’m crazy about him. And I think he feels the same way about me.
Well, there isn’t much I can do about any of it. Just stick it out, and go from there. Maybe his daughter will be cool with meeting me sometime in the next month or so; maybe I can have dinner with them or something and open the door so it won’t be weird if once in awhile, J meets up with me someplace for a date. There will be no more sleepovers, I know that much. Boo. And just when I was starting to CARE about intimacy and sex because I’m with someone who is amazing in that area, it gets taken away for a potentially-long time. Sad face. 😦
While I am sharing TMI, I might as well mention that he’s had a vasectomy. No more kids for him. This is cool in a lot of ways, yes. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed when I found that out. I know part of me was thinking about potential-father-of-any-potential-kids stuff when I entered into this dating thing. It’s kind of hard to not think about that, the older I get. J is already a wonderful father. I think I could have seen us having a kid of our own, together, someday down the road if things worked out.
But now that it is off the table, for sure, I feel sad. Like I really am destined to miss out on being a parent. Yeah, yeah– I know that it was never a definite yes for me anyway, thanks to the endometriosis. But it was never a definite no, either. Something in my psyche isn’t cool with having this door shut in my face just yet.
The idea of ready-made kids is appealing and always has been. I think about fostering and adoption sometimes. Once I started dating, I thought it would be cool to be a stepparent to someone else’s kids, but in J’s case, they’re already so old and by the time our relationship built to a level where I could be around a lot, they’re not going to be interested in knowing me. They’ll be busy with their own teenage lives.
While I might wonder if I ever would have that “mommy instinct” I’ve mentioned before, if no children are available to me, for lack of a better term, I’ll never know for sure.
It’s just weird, that’s all. It makes me feel unsettled, somehow. But as time goes on, I’m getting used to the idea that J could never be the father of my kids, no matter how well our relationship goes in the future. It bothered me a lot more when I found out, which was about a month ago.
In conclusion, every relationship has its challenges. There will always be something that has to be overcome. I’m hardly the first person to be dealing with limited time with a boyfriend. This is, in essence, a long distance relationship. I’ve never been in one before. It’s new to me, yeah, but it is NOT insurmountable. I know I can and will be cool with whatever happens. This is just me, venting in my diary-blog-thing.
I just hope he doesn’t lose interest in me, or decide he doesn’t have time for dating anyone. That would suck.
But again, ONE DAY AT A TIME. I know.