I’m not sure what to do regarding the 1/2 marathon. My recommitment paperwork is due next week, and I’m currently considering not doing it. It’s mostly because of my stupid back/leg issue, of course. But also because I feel like I am so very far behind now in the training schedule that it could be too late to do this, safely.
Also, I’d have to walk it. That’s pretty obvious. My body doesn’t react well to the jarring motion of jogging and running. I know people walk half-marathons, and it’s an option for me, but I have this thing about doing that. For one, it sounds like it will take all day to complete the 13.1 miles if I’m just walking. Also, I admit I want those bragging rights, that accomplishment thing, from saying I completed a 1/2 marathon. No one ever brags about walking a half-marathon. It’s always RUNNING. It’s about pushing yourself and your body and doing what was once unthinkable. I don’t think I’ve got that feeling if I am just walking.
I’m honestly not sure what to do. I haven’t been attending practices with the team for over a month now, and honestly, I don’t miss it. I never got anything from the “team” mentality, anyway. I can follow through and do this without ever going back to the team training events, but it feels weird. And a little pointless. I know I am raising all that money for a very, very good cause and one I care about, but it’s also very challenging and my heart doesn’t feel like it’s in it anymore.
I feel like a failure in this regard. How did I stop caring? When did it happen? Why did it happen? I don’t have an explanation for any of it. It seems like a few factors all came together and made it happen, starting with hurting myself repeatedly and then getting out of my carefully-constructed habit-zone when I went on vacation. And then my bike wore out, so I haven’t been able to do that part of the cross-training (and actually, as I’ve said before, biking is going to be my next “thing” I do for fitness, as soon as I either fix my bike or buy a new one). It’s been a bleak month or so, I have to say. To have gone from such a high and from making such great progress to NOTHING just…sucks. I feel like I could have and should have done a lot better.
I’m just confused and angry and sad right now. I’m not happy with myself, giving up. But I’m also not happy about the idea of doing this 1/2 marathon anymore if I can’t RUN it. I have a lot to think about.