Not feeling it


Well, I contacted the Match guy and told him that I wasn’t really interested in dating. So, no date on Saturday. And I feel really relieved to be done with it.

I know I am chicken shit. I know that if I don’t try at some point, I won’t get comfortable with dating. I know this was a chance to get started. I could have just gone with him and whatever happened would happen. But nooooo. I decided to just back out altogether and tell the guy I’m not ready to date yet.

I wonder what he’ll write back, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous to read it when he does write. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Hopefully, he won’t see it as a personal affront and will think of me as just another Match person that didn’t work out.

I guess I should mention the two other things that he did say on Saturday that raised a couple of red flags. Well, one was red… the other flag was more of a yellow, I guess. But still:

Red flag: His divorce was only finalized about 6 months ago. And he went on Match almost immediately. He quit Match for a couple months in there, but is back on again. He has gone on several dates so far. His marriage lasted for 5 years and they were together for 7 years before that. For some reason, it bugs me that he has jumped right back into dating following a divorce, especially from a 12-year relationship. I know I am the opposite extreme, waiting three fuckin’ years to date again, but still: I would really prefer dating someone who is pretty far removed from their ex with little chance of it being a rebound relationship.

Yellow flag: He hates Halloween. Not just dislikes; hates it. He has every right to his opinion of course, but mine is so opposite: I love Halloween. It’s my favorite day of the entire year. He doesn’t like it because “people always try to be something they’re not and act different.” And he is admittedly afraid of scary stuff… doesn’t like ghost stories or horror movies. I’m kind of into that stuff. I could get over this hating-Halloween thing for sure, if it was the right guy, but for right now I’m putting it on the list of reasons why I don’t want to start seeing this guy.

I guess I’m looking for more of a visceral reaction to someone. Whether it’s physical or cerebral in nature… someone I find myself thinking about a lot, and really do look forward to seeing again. I didn’t get that with this guy. He was wonderfully nice and we had a great talk on Saturday, and it WAS fun. Yet I left and felt like he was more friend-material than partner-material, and I didn’t really wonder what he was up to or get excited at all when I recalled our talk. I wish I knew all the reasons why, but I guess if I overthink it, it’s not really gonna make a difference anyway. It is what it is, as they say.

I’m trying to like Match, I really am… but something about it reminds me of a real estate website. You put in the parameters of what you are looking for, in what location and add the other little things that are important, and a search engine pulls up some matches. Let’s see: a 3-bedroom house, in Mesa, with no pool but a 2 car garage. Or: a man between 30-38, within 50 miles of Mesa, a non-smoker with an interest in comedy movies. It all feels a little off-putting to me, especially knowing that I’m coming up in searches that some guys might be doing. I’m a house for sale. They can look through my qualities and photos and decide if they want to schedule a “viewing.”

I really do wish that I could just run into someone in real life, the old fashioned way. I know there are things like Events and Adventures, Meetup and other group gatherings for singles, but I’m not totally comfortable with those, either. It all feels phony and forced. Like, we all know why we are here, so let’s look around right away and decide who we want to target for conversation today.  Nah. I would totally love to be introduced to someone through a friend, or go to a friend’s party or special occasion and meet someone there. Mutual friends or connections would be a tremendous help for some reason. I’d feel a little less out-there and vulnerable, if that makes sense. I don’t want to be calculating and methodical about meeting someone. Even though online dating or meetup groups might really be the only ways to realistically meet people at my age, I’m still having issues processing that.

God, I’m such a weirdo. I think too damn much.


5 responses »

  1. Dated my ex for 5 years, married for nearly 6 years, went on my first date with R 3 weeks after ex and I just DECIDED to divorce (I had to find a lawyer in CA to get the paperwork going)… so, I’m just saying that sometimes a relationship is over a long time before both parties admit it and moving on quickly shouldn’t necessarily be a HUGE strike. Not liking Halloween? Well, that’s a deal-breaker!

  2. You’re right… everyone moves on from a divorce/ ended relationship differently, and I should probably cut people a little more slack in that area if and when I do start dating (for real). My sister’s husband broke up with his long time girlfriend very, very shortly before my sister and him got together, and now they’ve been together a total of 9 years. I know Writer Ex moved on after we ended our engagement within a couple of weeks, and he is now married to that girl. There are examples all around of people who did “jump” right into another relationship after a breakup and things worked out wonderfully. It can and does happen.

    But not liking Halloween is just awful! 😉

  3. Yes…not liking Halloween is a MAJOR red flag for me! It’s like a kid not liking ice cream! WTF?

    It always seems like guys have no trouble moving on to the next relationship. I hear about so many widowers who get married within the next year. Why? Were they just waiting for their spouse to die so they could jump on the next girl? Geesh!

    I’m back on Match and like you, I totally feel weird about it…but I’ve tried a lot of other places and it seems like this is the one that is easiest to use. I have so many bad experiences, but I just have to think about it like “it’s just going to happen if it’s going to happen.”

    But now that I’ve read your post, I think I’m going to add to my bio, “Must love Halloween”. 🙂

  4. If you had mentioned those flags sooner, I would have said “RUN!” instead of being so supportive.

    As for the rest of it, *likes this*.

  5. I think you were smart, probably because I do the exact same thing, I’m not ready to date and I’ve been divorced 3 years. My ex moved on, of course, because he’s the one who ended things so it’s no surprise. Doesn’t sound like you’re much attracted to this guy – maybe you’d be better off getting out and meeting people rather than ordering one online.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s