So, what’s my problem?

Standard

Today’s not going so well for some reason. I wish I could figure out why I’m handling stuff the way I am, but here’s what’s going on:

* One article is past deadline by two weeks. It’s not good. I have been told different things by my contact at the company, and the article is apparently written already, they just haven’t sent it along. Well, SEND IT ALONG, damn it. I’ve made it clear that I’m not joking around and they will lose their opportunity to be in our magazine, but it’s not making them send the damn thing to me. I am working on backup ideas.

* Another article came in past deadline, too. While this one is at least here, it’s in awful shape. The authors don’t know how to write a proper article. I need to revise the entire thing and get them to fill in a few important blanks. It’s time consuming and it worries me that I need to get it up to par by tomorrow, when it is due out for editorial review.

* My boss took me aside and wanted to make sure everything was OK between me and him. Of course it is. I just told him the truth: If I seem quiet and serious, it’s because I am thinking and working hard on fixing the two problem articles. Not because of anything he did or didn’t do. I feel upset that he felt the need to talk to me about this. I don’t want to project negativity in any way, and definitely am trying NOT to do that.

I realize that the problems from one year ago, with the boss from hell, have some residual psychological effects. I find that I panic immediately if one thing isn’t going exactly right. I think that my boss is disappointed in me, and writing down the issues so they can be used against me later. I imagine getting reprimanded or fired.

Of course, in reality it’s not like that. He isn’t disappointed in me, just concerned about keeping things running smoothly. He just gave me a glowing performance review, after all. And he is NOT the awful bitch-boss from last year. He’s not going to be keeping track of every little hiccup and creating a running list to rattle off in front of our main boss. He gets it, and he knows that these things can happen from time to time. (She didn’t. In her mind, everything was capable of being handled on time, always; forgetting, of course, that we have a major variable to contend with: we use outside contributing authors.) I’m not in trouble. I need to stop reacting like I am.

* I got my house cleaned last night and did some work on my book. So that was great, really.

* The Match guy wrote me a quick email last night, saying he enjoyed Saturday and wants to know if Saturday still works for me for our first date. Now… here’s where things get really stupid:

I don’t know how to respond to him!

Yes, I posted that last post about how great our 3-hour meetup was. Yes, I had been excited about it. But something happened between then and right now: I am finding myself not caring, again. Not wanting to make an effort. Not wanting to deal with a guy. No matter how nice he could be… I am going to have a very, very difficult time changing my lifestyle to include actual dating. Even if it is low-key and not really all that time-commital.

I have issues.

And I don’t know what the problem really is. I haven’t replied yet to the guy, and I need to. I’m probably just going to act like everything is fine and say yes, Saturday is fine and stuff. But inside, I’m struggling with why I am NOT CARING.

As much as I don’t want to do it because of how expensive our co-pays are ($50 per visit), I might need to seriously consider some counseling again. It’s been awhile since I’ve needed it. But if I am sabotaging a perfectly-fine situation for no good reason, then it’s a problem. I can’t ruin my life, potentially, because of my own weird, undescribable mental roadblocks. It’s probably the same thing that keeps me from putting myself out there as a fiction writer a little more.

Well, the bottom line today is that I am feeling uncomfortable and disappointed with myself and my reactions to things. I hope it feels better, now that I have vented about it. We’re all bound to have bad days. I know that.

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2 responses »

  1. C’mon girlie, you know something is wrong. I don’t know that you need counseling as much as a med adjustment because you seem to be in a good frame of mind, just sabotaging yourself. I got my new meds today and will start them tomorrow and I can’t wait to not start feeling like shit. As Doc Tam said to me, it may seem like I’m adding a strange chemical to my body, but all I’m really doing is helping my body along with something it should be doing naturally. Don’t keep putting yourself through hell when a simple med change may be all you need.

  2. I’m GLAD your boss took you aside to talk to you personally- that proves he is LOADS better than last year’s bitch-boss, who would have just given you grief, written you up and written you off. Yay for this boss! What you described reminded me of the first job I had with a male boss, way back when. I’d only worked with little old ladies, or done babysitting for friends prior to that. This was my first REAL job, and the first time with a male other than my father in an authority position. I was scared to death! Afraid of screwing up! Terrified I wouldn’t be good enough. Every time he paused to talk to me about anything, ANYTHING, I’d get this “deer in headlights” look on my face and have a small heart attack. And yet I worked my ass off. He finally had to ask some of the other women on staff (older, motherly types) to find out what was wrong with me. They’d been telling him to just back off a bit and let me find my place, which he did do, but they talked to me anyway, and then relayed to him that I was just green and afraid of making a fool out of myself. After that things went much smoother. The truth is I adored him like he was the older brother I never had. I learned a lot from him- he had so much knowledge and education to share. I really enjoyed being mentored by him. I’m sure everyone figured I had some kind of crush on him, which isn’t true. I didn’t . Plus he was married. I just really admired him and was inspired by him. So much so that when he quit and took a job elsewhere and then years later showed up in a restaurant where I was waitressing after quitting that job, I was mortified and embarrassed enough to hide in the bar and make a coworker wait on him. He had been seated in my section, but hadn’t seen me, and I didn’t want him to see me waiting tables when I’d previously had so much potential. I miss that guy.

    Go on the date with the Match guy. Part of dating again is getting into the routine again, of going through the trouble. You don’t have to get yourself all gussied up, or go through a lot of effort. Just be you. But if you quit now, you’re going to want to quit every time you get to this point, and you’ll never get past the “first date” that way.

    If you think you need to change your meds or go back to counseling, then you probably do, but at least you are recognizing how you feel and acknowledging your disappointment in feeling those feelings. That means you’re not completely numb and that you DO care!

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