A spicy blend of spontaneity and non-motivation


Thanks to Warm Bodies, I haven’t been going to bed at a decent time each night and it’s meant I get only a fraction of the sleep I really do need… so my morning workouts are taking a big hit. For instance, I didn’t go to the team workout on Saturday morning because I was awake until 2am, reading. (I would have had to be at the park by 5:30… which meant waking up at 4:15 to eat something and give it enough time to digest before the workout.) Honestly, I didn’t even care as much as I probably should. I don’t know what’s with me these days, but nothing’s very interesting and I’m blowing things off because I can. I know that I have got to stop this, right now. No good is going to come of being lazy and letting all that incredibly strong motivation I had for months just waste away. My goal for this week is to start undoing the damage and get my ass back in gear. My ass, and my mind, more importantly.

Anyway. On Saturday morning, the landscape guy stopped by to help me figure out an issue with my sprinkler system and repair a leak in the water main outlet. Once he was done, I decided on the spur of the moment to drive up north for the day. My friend Dana from high school was in Flagstaff, stranded here at her mother-in-law’s house with her husband and son, because flights to the East coast had been cancelled due to the hurricane. She’d invited me to come up and see them on Friday night, and I finally just said what the hell and grabbed my stuff to go on a day trip. I also took my hiking gear, because I thought I could meet up with them for lunch and then still have time to hit my favorite AZ trail on the way home.

I called my sister in case she happened to be free that day, and it turned out she was, and so I picked her up and we were on our way north before either of us had time to think about it too much. It was wonderful, too! That’s the way to do things sometimes– spontaneous as hell.

Sure, we hit some snags on the drive up with traffic and road construction, but we made it and had lunch with Dana and her family at a nice little brewery. After that, it was much later than either of us had anticipated, so we began to doubt we’d be able to do the hike on the way home, after all. Instead, we walked the town for a couple of hours. Flagstaff has gotten really nice, and not as hippie-centric as it had been. There were new little shops and cutesy candy stores and, well, it was just nice atmosphere to browse and wander around. We grabbed some dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant on the way out of town, and drove back down the 89A, which is absolutely the most beautiful road I have ever driven in my life. If I have a chance to drive it, I take it every time. It connects Flagstaff to Sedona, and winds down a mountain and through a canyon thick with trees and a gorgeous creek.

It grew darker as we went, and we rolled down the windows to listen to the crickets and sound of the forest. We drove past the campgrounds, and salivated over the amazing scent of campfires in the night… it was cool seeing the sparkling orange flames through the trees as campers gathered around their campfires, many of them cooking dinner. I drove very slowly, so we could savor the scene, the night, the trees. The entire drive was so mellow and yet so vivid in its beauty.

Once we reached town, we stopped for a quick ice cream snack and to use the restroom. After filling up the gas tank, we set off on the interstate to head back home. We blasted music the entire drive, singing and laughing really hard. I have such a great time with my sister, seriously. The easiest trips in the world are when we go somewhere just the two of us. There is never any conflict or question about what we should do, because we both like the same exact things and think the same thing, concurrently, on a frequent basis. It had been too long since we’d done a roadtrip alone without friends, our Dad, BIL, Mom or anyone else with us. We really enjoyed ourselves on Saturday, and were both glad we decided to be spontaneous and leave town for the day!

Yesterday was a blur. I slept late again, and then my Mom came over. We picked up my sister and BIL and we all went to lunch and did a quick pit stop at Target to get cat-related items. (I needed food for my little piglets, and they needed litter.) After that, I took my Mom to the farm market and later spent the rest of the afternoon working on some work-work stuff I wanted to get to. At 5:30, I went back to my sister and BIL’s house for dinner. We brainstormed some ideas for a movie he is trying to write, and I think we came up with some good stuff.

I didn’t allow myself to read any of that book last night, since I knew what it would do. As it was, I didn’t get into bed until after 11:30. So much for waking up THIS morning early enough to work out, again. (Plus, I woke up a few times throughout the night anyway and had two very hungry cats winding around me and under the sheets when I didn’t jump right out of bed when my alarm went off. I felt like a brain-dead lump as I got ready for work this morning.)

You know what sucks? I have taken lots of photos over the past month, especially back in NJ. And I cannot get them off of my camera no matter how hard I try! I’ve attempted to download them on both of my home computers as well as my work computer, and all I get are a bunch of red X’s and messages about the parameters not working. I don’t get it, as this has never happened before. So I need to try to figure out who you even ask to help you with that kind of stuff. A camera guy, or a computer guy? Clearly, someone who can work with both is probably the best option. Ehhhh. Always some dumb little thing to figure out.

Match.com update:

I don’t have much to report because I’m bored with looking at guys’ profiles. The one guy that I’ve e-mailed back and forth with had been away in Minnesota for a family thing, but I think he’s back now and I might need to find a time to get together with him this week or something. That’s cool. I just wish I cared more. This guy doesn’t seem like a bad person at all, and he is cute and smart and seems to be funny, but yeah. I’m back to my “UGH, DATING” thoughts of how much effort it’s gonna take to make regular contact with someone, go places with them and do other things that would mean the difference between me doing my own thing and me having obligations (even unspoken or self-imposed ones) that I could ultimately resent.

What’s wrong with me? Why am I so selfish about my time, and so uninterested in actual physical contact with a dude??? I wish I had more of a sex drive. I just don’t think about it. Intimacy with another person never crosses my mind. As I’ve said before, my doctor says I just have a low libido, and that’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal all the time, though. Like right now. I feel like I should be thinking about it more often.

Well, whatever. I guess we’ll see what happens this week. I’m actually keeping a more open mind than is coming across here. I’m just venting my deep thoughts here. In reality, it doesn’t need to be a big deal. We’ll just see what happens.

Of course, if I.M. showed up here one day, all assumptions would be challenged and I might just get all giddy and excited. I do wish more men were attractive to me; that I didn’t have such a specific taste or whatever it is. I just know it when I see it.


2 responses »

  1. If the dating thing feels like it would be too much work … eh, just don’t right now. I think when it gets to be something you really, really want, you won’t mind putting in the effort so much. And of course, the goal is to find somebody you’re as comfortable with as you are your sister. In a completely different way, of course, but you know what I mean. Someone who just gets you.

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