“If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what is being done in His name, He would never stop throwing up.” –Woody Allen
Where do I start on this particular story? I guess at the beginning.
I do not like Gatorade. Let me be clear about that. Yet, at the group practices, the coaches say it can be good to replenish after a very tough workout with a lil’ Gatorade. OK, I get it. But all I can manage is maybe three mouthfuls before I want to wipe my tongue off with a tissue.
When I saw that Gatorade had some new “G Series Fit PRIME PreWorkout Energy Bars” on the market, I thought it couldn’t hurt to give them a try. They were on sale for $2 a pack at Target a couple weeks ago; I bought the Banana Nut Chocolate flavor. These things had lots of protein, everything was natural ingredients, and it could be what I was looking for in the early morning hours before my workouts. (I wish I liked peanut butter! That would make my life a lot easier.)
Today I took an hour long bike ride. Between the effort and the growing heat as the hour ticked past, I felt pretty wiped out when I got back to the house and took my shower before work. I was thinking about what I could eat for breakfast, and realized I didn’t have a lot in the house that was breakfast-worthy. I’ve eaten all of the English muffins and was out of milk for my protein shake-thing that’s become my breakfast as of late. And I already had a banana, pre-bike ride. I had to get going to the office, so I finally decided to just grab one of those little G-Series bars and eat it in the car. (The way my logic works, I figured there was no reason I couldn’t eat this AFTER a workout in this case; after all, my body was crying out for something, anything. This was as good as anything else I could have eaten.)
BLECH. Dry, weird texture. Bizarre taste with a hideous after-taste. Thank goodness the whole thing is only about two inches in length. I got the whole thing down and followed it with a full cup of water (which is about 21 oz– my water cup’s on the bigger side). La dee da. I continued my drive in and sang along to my iPod. A typical morning.
But once in the office, I felt a teeny bit queasy. Nothing to alarm me, though. Lately, that’s been happening after I eat. I went in to our 9am meeting, feeling normal and ready to sit through the boring, non-relevant-to-me meeting just like I do every Thursday.
Suddenly, with no warning, I kind of burped with my mouth closed. I began to cover it with a cough, and that’s when it happened: That damn energy bar came up IN MY MOUTH. One millisecond it wasn’t there, and the next thing, it was. OMG. OMG!
People were talking and no one noticed me, even when I gulp/coughed to try to contain the puke now inside my mouth. I stood up as calmly as possible, and walked quickly to the door to excuse myself. Again, no one seemed to even take note that I left the room.
Once in the hallway, I booked it down to the ladies’ room, where I was able to finally expel the evil shit that was in my mouth. PUKE! I kind of hurled a little more, too, because of the action of spitting it out, and that taste. DEAR GOD. Seriously. I have tasted death, and death tastes like the G Series Fit PRIME energy bars. I caught my breath, and tried to straighten up and dry my eyes, because my eyes always water when I throw up. I rinsed my mouth with a couple handfuls of water, totally grateful no one came into the bathroom this whole time, composed myself and went back to the meeting. I took my place like nothing had happened. I felt shaky and my throat hurt, but I was managing.
The feeling came again a few minutes later. No puke this time– but in case it was going to happen again, I left for the bathroom once more. It was a false alarm. Whatever was offending my stomach had been expelled, and my body seemed to be saying: “Carry on, then.” Cool. Thank God it wasn’t going to be another full day of sick.
After the meeting, I told R and L what had happened… and after they laughed hard, they said neither of them had seen or heard anything! I got away with throwing up in a meeting without a lifetime of embarrassment, shame and remorse. Think about it–this is no easy feat. I can’t say I know anyone else who has done this. I’m the first in my group of friends, I dare say! This wasn’t like puking in my mouth while at my desk, or while in the car or watching TV… this was in the presence of everyone in my department, including my main boss. And to have it go unnoticed? AMAZING! I’m so proud of my ability to hold puke in my mouth at a time it would have been inopportune to let it spill out freely. I kept my shit together, yo.
I’m so weirdly proud of this. I posted it to Facebook right away! What the hell is the matter with me?! I might need a new perspective on life if this is my idea of an accomplishment.
(This incident brings to mind the time I puked a little bit on Hurley when I was sitting on the toilet and burped and puke came up unexpectedly and some dribbled out of my mouth and down onto my beloved dog’s head. True story, again*. This is how he came to be Knighted. When I told my Mom about it, she said, “He has been dubbed Sir HURLey.” Yes, he certainly had been. He will always have that royal title, although I’m sure he would have been fine if it had never happened, too.)
* For some reason, these kind of things only happen to me. By all means, if they’ve happened to you, too, let me know so I don’t feel so alien to the rest of the human race.