Spotlight on personal weaknesses


Let me just get this out of the way: Friday was not easy.

My sister and I took the little cat to the vet at 5pm, where she peacefully drifted away. I’m so grateful for my sister, because I couldn’t have done it without her. I had a really bad reaction to this whole situation; surprisingly so, in fact. I couldn’t stop crying and felt overwhelmed with grief. I didn’t stay in the room when it was done, but T did. She’s so much braver than I am in these circumstances.

I realized I wasn’t crying so much about the little cat herself as I was about the emotional memories of pets who have died before. Specifically, Sam and Malcolm. Both of their deaths were so traumatic and caused such horrible nightmares (to this day), and I never really finished processing what I felt about those situations. I always push the memories of their deaths from my mind, forcefully, to avoid thinking about them for too long. Because when I do, my brain just floods with grief, regret and the fear of having to go through that sort of thing again one day, and I cry like a big wimp. Being confronted with death on Friday, in that manner, definitely opened up that can of worms I try to keep hidden, way back on the shelf.

Either way, it was done. As quickly and humanely as possible. Even what I did see (before I went to sit in the car while the drugs were administered) was very nice. They brought in blankets to cushion the table, and gave my sister and I plenty of time with her prior to doing anything. They explained the procedure and I was able to do the paperwork and pay before it was done. This was way different than how it happened with Sam. I won’t get into it. But yes, it was much colder and less caring back then.

I don’t mean to be crass, but I’m annoyed that the whole thing cost $165. But there wasn’t much else I could do, really. Thank God I have that CareCredit card, now.

After that, I picked up Hurley and we drove to my sister’s house for dinner. She was planning to make homemade marinara sauce, and would have plenty to share with me, too. I also helped make the sauce by chopping up onions and tomatoes. It took my mind off of things pretty effectively. And dinner was delicious, of course. (Nothing like the comfort-food of spaghetti to soothe us.)

Later, we watched Hellboy (my idea, because I love those movies and have been dying to have T watch them, too) and when I went home with Hurley, I put on some happy music and sang to him in the car. It made me feel better.

The next morning was marathon practice in the park again. I woke up at 4:30 and was at the park by 5:30. I walked the whole thing, and just let everyone go off running ahead of me like a bunch of gazelles. I am now training for the half-marathon, rather than the full marathon. It just makes a LOT more sense this way. Not only is my training schedule somewhat more gradual, but the idea of me completing a half-marathon is realistic, whereas me doing 26.2 miles on my first edurance event ever does seem a little overenthusiastic. Why not make my NEXT marathon the full? Starting off with a half is completely acceptable.

I’ve also been riding my bike faithfully, keeping up with my training schedule (just on the bike, not running). This week I also go to the chiropractor today, Wednesday and Friday again. I am making progress, for sure. I have less pain and moving around tends to be a little easier every day.

This weekend, I also got some cleaning and laundry done, but not as much as I would have liked. I felt crappy all day Saturday– sinus problems, I think. The whole left side of my head hurt, including ear and throat. So I just sat around, mostly, and napped a little bit. It was a wasted day. I tried to watch “Eat Pray Love” since I borrowed it from my Mom, and I hated it. It was just too annoying and the characters were flat and unrelatable. And all I kept thinking was: “How the FUCK are you affording this, woman? How can you take off for an entire year and live in these exotic places? How? How? How?!” Anyway, lame.

To cleanse my palate and lift my mood, I watched about half of Voyage of the Dawn Treader, skipping to the good parts. This definitely helped me fall asleep in a happy, content mood. He just makes me so smiley, plain and simple.

Yesterday started off well. I got up early, and got dressed for church. But then I started messing around in my office, and wasted too much time on Facebook. My Mom called me from the church parking lot, wondering if I was there yet. Um, nope. Not so much. Oh, well. She came over to my house after church, and I took her to lunch.

Oh, and I backed my car right into her car.

I can’t believe I did this: As I pulled out of my garage, I cut the wheel too far and never bothered to look behind me. I just backed out, like I am so used to d0ing every day… forgetting completely that her car was in my driveway, off to the right. I scraped up against the back door and panel before pulling forward again and throwing it into park to see what I’d done. It was a dent, all right, but mostly it looked like a big scuff mark on her car.

On mine, the scrape is a little worse, but it’s in the back and maybe, just maybe, it’s not very noticeable.

I felt terrible, though! So I took her car to the carwash and had it washed and paid extra to have them buff out what they could and detail the door so it wouldn’t look so bad. She was really happy to have her car treated so well, so that was nice. I felt like it was the least I could do. (Now I have to do the same to my own car, when I have the money.) It was such a dumb move, to just blindly back out of my garage like that when someone was parked in the driveway. I guess I’m so damned used to the way I do things every single day, and habit took over. Either way, it sucked. Glad that no real damage happened to either of our cars.

Last night I just straightened up the house and went to bed as early as I could, so I could get up today and take a bike ride before work. (Which I did.) Now, here I am, writing this here and there in between doing actual work, trying to think of a place to go for lunch today. I’m ravenous.

So, how about you? What did you do this weekend?


3 responses »

  1. I think maybe this little cat gave you a gift- your time with her was short, and the story of her life isn’t great, but you and T provided her with what she needed most when she needed it most, and, in the end, maybe it was a bit cathartic for you, too, allowing you to process some things you’ve been keeping at bay & bringing some closure.

    Glad to hear your training is coming along, even if it’s not quite as planned. You’re doing well and you’ll be great!

    Sounds like a perfect balance of good and not so good over the weekend, actually.

  2. That little kitty was loved in her last days and that is what is important. You gave her a loving home and she needed that.

    This weekend I successfully did not kill any of my coworkers so I guess I could call that a good weekend.

  3. It all happened for a reason, for sure. I’m happy I could do some good for that cat, even if it was only for a few days at the end of her life… that does feel nice. Of course, it’s always gonna be a sad memory, but I can deal with it. It’s what my sister and I were called to do. I trust in whatever path I’m on. 🙂

    Anytime a weekend passes and no one is murdered, yeah… that IS a good weekend, CP! Sometimes people really walk that line a little too close and I want to start pummelin’ heads and kicking asses!

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