[Yes, those are Sleestaks. And I will get to them at the end of this post.]
I’ve got a brain like one of those machines at the grocery store. Put a quarter in, and you might get a bouncy ball, a tiny plastic parachuter, a removable tattoo of a pegasus, or a fake emerald ring. It’s unpredictable and quite random.
I was just sitting here, thinking about some of the stranger things I’ve blurted out over the years, or recently (I know I only remember a little sliver of them) and decided I’d try to list as many as I could think of before I go home for the day. This seems like a perfectly reasonable work activity.
Here, there’s this:
* He’s a douchenozzle.
* You freakin’ lazy sandbag with feet.
* Heineymites (these would be bugs in your butt)
* Son of a banjoplayer!
* Hoops de Hoop (something I call Hurley sometimes)
* Soups de Soop (something I call Simon sometimes)
* I’m putting on my fun knickers!
* Clean the toenail taffy out of there, it’s gross.
* That man clearly invests in fancy wiener-widgets.
* Sopping wet Jesus! What is THAT?
* Guhhh-rewwwwwwwwww (the shuddery “ick” noise I made when I saw a dead cockroach in the bathroom)
* Purple ploops (just nonsense)
* Baby ducklings are ducking cute.
* Jupiter can kick all the other planets’ masses. (I ended up using this one on Facebook on Earth Day.)
* Oh, shit-tits.
* Boysenberry Penis Pie (mmm, just like Grandma used to make!)
* Oh, Hurley you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY HURLEY! HEY HURLEY! … “Well, you’ve been outside all night, and that’s a little long… I thought you had to pee but I think I got it wrong… Oh won’t you take a pee and come on back to me Hurley?” (Repeat until dog seems to hate you. For real.)
* “He’s a good dog, loves his Momma, loves Simon, and America too…” (sung to the tune of “Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty. I also sang this to Malcolm, but it went like this: “He’s a good dog, loves his Momma, loves cheeses and America too…”)
* She’s probably out there, sunning her funburger for all the men. (I imagined a character who thinks I live an amoral, single life in my house all alone.)
* Sleekslaps! (what I mistakenly called Sleestaks today at lunch.)