Things I Have Said Out Loud


[Yes, those are Sleestaks. And I will get to them at the end of this post.]

I’ve got a brain like one of those machines at the grocery store. Put a quarter in, and you might get a bouncy ball, a tiny plastic parachuter, a removable tattoo of a pegasus, or a fake emerald ring. It’s unpredictable and quite random.

I was just sitting here, thinking about some of the stranger things I’ve blurted out over the years, or recently (I know I only remember a little sliver of them) and decided I’d try to list as many as I could think of before I go home for the day. This seems like a perfectly reasonable work activity.

Here, there’s this:

* He’s a douchenozzle.

* You freakin’ lazy sandbag with feet.

* Heineymites (these would be bugs in your butt)

* Son of a banjoplayer!

* Hoops de Hoop (something I call Hurley sometimes)

* Soups de Soop (something I call Simon sometimes)

* I’m putting on my fun knickers!

* Clean the toenail taffy out of there, it’s gross.

* That man clearly invests in fancy wiener-widgets.

* Sopping wet Jesus! What is THAT?

* Guhhh-rewwwwwwwwww (the shuddery “ick” noise I made when I saw a dead cockroach in the bathroom)

* Purple ploops (just nonsense)

* Baby ducklings are ducking cute.

* Jupiter can kick all the other planets’ masses. (I ended up using this one on Facebook on Earth Day.)

* Oh, shit-tits.

* Boysenberry Penis Pie (mmm, just like Grandma used to make!)

* Oh, Hurley you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY HURLEY! HEY HURLEY! … “Well, you’ve been outside all night, and that’s a little long… I thought you had to pee but I think I got it wrong… Oh won’t you take a pee and come on back to me Hurley?” (Repeat until dog seems to hate you. For real.)

* “He’s a good dog, loves his Momma, loves Simon, and America too…” (sung to the tune of “Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty. I also sang this to Malcolm, but it went like this: “He’s a good dog, loves his Momma, loves cheeses and America too…”)

* She’s probably out there, sunning her funburger for all the men. (I imagined a character who thinks I live an amoral, single life in my house all alone.)

* Sleekslaps! (what I mistakenly called Sleestaks today at lunch.)


7 responses »

  1. I think “* Sopping wet Jesus! What is THAT?” is my favorite. I am most definitely going to use it- but I’m loving your version of ” Hey, Mickey!” as well.

  2. Oh, you could totally use all three of your dogs’ names for the “Hey Mickey” song! Please go do it! It’s so fun to make up stupid songs for the pets.:-)

  3. Ew, heinymites. And hee. Singing to pets is hilarious. I don’t think I’ve come up with anything as good as your little numbers, though.

  4. Sopping Wet Jesus is awesome! I also love Son of a banjo player. I say Shit Snacks a lot. And I sing to my pets too. Usually opera. 🙂

  5. They’re the Sleestaks, from Land of the Lost. I used to watch it when I was really little, and they freaked me (and pretty much everyone, ever, everywhere, forever) out.

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