I spent today outside, in my backyard. I had to weed yet again, and then rake the entire thing so the gravel was evened out. It was super-sunny and windy today, and it made the time out there fly past. And now my yard’s so pretty again. I honestly can’t believe my good fortune sometimes, that I am able to have a home like this and take care of it. Sure, I have sciatica and about half a dozen health issues that suck, but I can still do pretty much all the things I want to.
I tried not to think about DOG*. You know the one.
But I did check today to see if he was adopted yesterday. Nope. But he has a photo up on the listing now, so that can really help. I have to say that I’m pretty impressed by the animal control department here. We’re the most populous county in the state by a long shot, and the number of animals turned over is incredibly high. And yet, they are able to reunite animals with their owners and adopt out a lot of pets. It’s still not a good place, of course. But they are trying. There was a time when pounds didn’t have the resources to get the word out about individuals animals in their care… but now, it’s a big help. They have helpful behavior and history cards on the kennels so potential adopters can find out a little more about the big brown eyes staring at them through the fencing. In many cases, they name the dogs. It all helps raise adoptions, in the end, and that’s just awesome.
It’s good to not demonize The Pound. I mean, we need that place. Without it, I cringe to imagine the state we’d all be in.
So anyway, as I was saying: DOG is still available. And my mind drifts back to him throughout the day, and I get this feeling of longing. I imagine how wonderful it would be to go down there with intent and purpose and be the one to greet him when he leaves the kennel forever. I doubt he’d remember me, but what if he did? Awww. It would be terrific.
I still wish more than anything that he never came into our lives at all. This confusion and nagging pull at my emotions all week has been awful. The truth really is that I have rescued lots of dogs and a couple of cats and one bird… the thought of keeping them was never an option. I know I can’t take them all; of course I know that. I’ve been making smarter choices for my wallet and sanity’s sake, and feeling good about that. So this DOG comes along and BLAM, upsets the whole damn thing.
Here I am, longing for a dog that I shouldn’t have met, but did. And now he’s stuck in my head. Get out, DOG. I’m begging you. I feel awful right now, not knowing what end is up and if I do go adopt him, I’m scared of my family and friends’ reactions. Lots of people aren’t fans of me adopting him. Because they know me, my situation and relationship with Hurley and Simon, and know how much I treasure our little dynamic here. Life is sweet right now. Me and my boys.
Hurley and Simon are SO GOOD. So well-behaved. No problems, ever. Neither of them is destructive, and they have easygoing personalities and they’re both trained well. (I’m getting closer to teaching Simon to circle through my legs on command for a treat, too.) Why would I want to change this? Especially after what happened with the Sandy debacle? Wasn’t that lesson enough that I shouldn’t fuck up our balance?
And am I enough? I mean, can I give enough attention and love to three animals? AND continue to take care of this house, finish my books and attempt to have a social life? Would I be leaving them alone too much? I already worry about that, as it is. What if this DOG couldn’t hold his bladder and bowels all day like Hurley can? Argh. It could be difficult trying to take on one more thing when I’m at a point where I am enjoying my life, as-is.
I could go back and forth, all day long on this. At one point today, though, I realized I am spending more energy and time trying to convince myself I don’t want this dog. Because I know that I do want him.
What am I gonna do? 😦
(* DOG is not a name I am thinking of for this dog. I know some of you have wondered if I’ve thought of names for him and I honestly have not. If I start to think about it, it’s been easy to shift my thoughts away from there. I can tell you that as we were walking last week, the name Otis popped into my head at random. I don’t even like that name. So, as of this moment, there are definitely no names in mind. Now, if I change my mind and go down to get him, that all changes, of course.)