HyperFlush 2000!


Pointless observations! Git yer pointless observations here!

* The toilets at my office are insanely powerful. They’re low-water-use or something, and what they don’t use in water they have made up for in the flushing action. Also, the toilets are high tech, equipped with those fancy automatic flush sensor thingies (that’s their technical name, btw). So when you lift your butt away from the seat, within seconds the toilet flushes. It’s like it’s angry or something. They’re loud, and the force of the flush causes little water droplets to spray up and out, all over the seat. I never wipe that off, at that point. That’s because when I go in there to use the toilet, I wipe it down first to get rid of the water-spray from the last person who was in there. It is only water… but it’s still gross and annoying. I don’t know why we need HyperFlush 2000 (the name I have silently given the toilets here) when we’re just a bunch of pasty, rolling-chair jockeys. It’s not like this is the restroom for a Mexican restaurant. HyperFlush 2000 is overkill. I just pray I never accidently drop something important in the toilet, because I won’t be fast enough to fish anything out… and I could lose my hand in the process. I’m pretty sure that HyperFlush 2000 could rip a hand clean off at the wrist.

* I refill my prescriptions online, and usually all I need to do is stop by Walgreen’s on my way home from work and grab the prescriptions. It should be a nice, quick, smooth transaction. And it always is… for me. I’m done at the counter within a minute or two, tops. Not the other slack-jawed yokels who wander in there, and have to ask a million stupid questions about whatever medicine they’re getting, though. It seems like it never fails that I’m behind one or more of these chuckleheads, whether I go in the store or through the drive-through. I laugh at the little sign that reads, “Please Remain Here for Patient Privacy” or whatever it is, as you wait in line. Like those two feet make all the difference and we can’t hear everything being said at the counter. Unfortunately, I DO hear all of it. My recent favorite was this old lady who was buying DentuGrip or something. She was asking the pharmacist the craziest questions. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Honest to God, some of the questions were:

“Now, will this one turn into little balls in my mouth? Is it powdery?”

“This won’t color my teeth or stain them, will it?”

“…I had one that tasted terrible one time and I’ll tell you, I don’t want to go through THAT again! So this one tastes OK, then?” (The pharmacist answered something along the lines of, “I never tasted it, ma’am” and I half expected her to ask him to open a box and lick it, just for her.)

When the pharmacist finally rang up and told her the total: “Reeeallly? That seems a little high!” She proceeded to begin a story about living on Social Security and how she had to buy a walker recently and Medicaid wasn’t paying for it and yadda yadda…OMG LADY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!

She had to be aware of the growing line behind her. You’d think so, anyway. I don’t know that she was. Or if she did, if she cared. Because I think there were 4 people behind me by the time she finally shuffled away from the counter, saying to someone, anyone, or no one, as she passed, “Unbelievable how expensive things are!”

And last weekend, the other customer being waited on at the next register from mine at the pharmacy was clearly getting the morning-after emergency contraception pill. She was a normal woman, maybe a little young, but the pharmacist in this case was the problem. He was loudly telling her how to take it, and what she should expect as side effects and to “pay attention to what day your next period starts so you can tell your doctor”… sheesh, man. Lower your voice. I don’t want to know all of that. In fact, I resent hearing it, sir.

* I can’t stand it when people say (or yell to you): “Cold out here, huh?” My neighbor does this all the time lately when I come home from work. He likes to hang out in his driveway with his weird white-trash son/ grandson/ nephew/ whatever and mess around with one of their cars, or sit in a white resin chair and watch whatever’s happening on the street. I usually wave to him and smile, and then that’s it. But lately he’s been vocal. He yelled the “Cold out here, huh?” thing last night, and then later on I went out to get the mail and he yelled out: “Better cover the plants tonight! Gonna be freezing!” I just half-heartedly say, “Yeah” and go back in the house. What else are you supposed to say? Those aren’t real questions; he can’t be expecting real answers, right? Is he expecting me to just stop what I am doing and stand there and talk about the cold weather for awhile? Probably. But I don’t want to. I don’t mean to be a jerk or something, but come on. If you’re talking about how cold it is outside, why would you want to stand out there for any length of time and talk about how cold it is… when you could be inside your warm house? Ugh. Leave me alone.

* Things I hate the smell of: Cheetos. Cheddar popcorn. Peeled oranges. The cropdust-fart someone left in the walkway near my cubicle. It wasn’t me. That’s certainly the fart of another.

*A proverb I just made up: One man’s fart is another man’s reason to laugh.


6 responses »

  1. then you lucky I dont work there no mo. I loves cheetohs, cheesey popcorn and I used to eat oranges a lot. plus, yeah, sometimes the crop dustin was me but I usually tried to make it so that it got dusted someplace else. near someone I didnt like.

  2. I love the smell of peeled oranges, but only if I am the one eating it. If not, it’s torture. Then the rind smell on my hands drives me nuts.

    I think we have the PowerFlush 1000 at my work too. I lost three pens in there. I strip completely naked when I go potty from now on.

  3. I think accidental farts are funny, whether it’s just saying it by accident, or letting one fly when you don’t mean to. I say this because, of course, I have done both. I tend to get the “laughing-hard fart” from time to time, which sucks. It’s way better than peeing my pants, so, whatever. Still, my fear is having it happen with a hot guy nearby. (Well, it can’t be worst than puking on the mountain trail that time…)

    Diane’s ghost still haunts our office. Sometimes, she even walks these halls again… spooky.

    I think peeled-orange is a bad smell because it reminds me of the stink of elementary school lunchtime. And I know one time I smelled vomit of someone who had just eaten oranges (1st grade), so that effectively made fresh-orange-smell one of the all-time worst food smells for me. Eeek. I get chills just remembering that smell.

  4. I want to throw up whenever someone peels an orange around here. That should be off-limits at work, along with heating up fish in the microwave.

    We have the same people holding up the line at the pharmacy here. I loathe that Target commercial that’s trying to be cutesy about people asking the pharmacist shit like, “How come some medicine tastes yucky?” “Why are my pills red?” like yes, that’s exactly what we need, to encourage people who ask too many damn questions.

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