My wedding. Yes, I did have one, once. The memories of that day are so strange now; it feels like it happened to someone else and that there was no way I would have agreed to go through with that. But it did happen, and I did go through with it, and now I have the bizarre experience of trying to forget that I ever had a wedding… and that I was ever married. And you know what? It’s not hard to do this at all.
It’s amazing how little I think about that whole life, back then. Probably because I was never fully committed to it in the first place. I liked my X, but I don’t believe I ever loved him. I said I did, but I was kidding myself. It’s a shame I did that. Not only to myself, of course, but in a way, I do feel bad that I did that to him, too. I let him think it was OK that we had issues and that I would patiently work through the challenges he would admit to (which, he always said were MY problems or problems with me, not him or us), and I let him think that I thought he was attractive. I feel kind of terrible about that one. As I have mentioned here, my type of guy could be described as dark… I love lots of long, dark hair, dark eyes, and I prefer a more scrawny physique, if I’m going to be honest. I’m very attracted to guys who aren’t white, too. I’d totally love to date, say, an East Indian, an Asian, or a Black dude. And X was… bald, very White, with blue eyes that almost gave him a scary Aryan look. How did that happen? I still don’t really know. I was serious about giving him a chance, when I met him, because he was SO NICE back then. And he was funny, back then. We liked a ton of the same things. When we went to San Francisco a few months into dating, it was incredibly fun. So the looks-thing was easy to overlook as I got to know him, and I’ll admit that he did seem cute to me for a long time. (Although, as he brought up from time to time as the years went by, I did initially worry he was a skinhead when we first met because of the bald/shaved head thing… he’d pull this out to make me feel terrible about being a judgmental jerk, whenever he wanted to hurt my feelings. But come on. Skinheads are terrifying… if you look even a little like one, I’m gonna be wary.)
The wedding itself was OK. I mostly got what I wanted, which was a casual, small wedding outside. But something never felt 100% exciting about the whole thing, as we were planning it. We had a strict budget and he knew exactly how he wanted us to break it down. As a result, instead of hiring someone to help us with setting up the wedding site in the park, we allotted a retarded amount of money to alcohol for the backyard reception because his college buddies were supposedly big drinkers. I didn’t get to have my hair or nails done, and his Mom made our wedding cake for free, but at least we did have a caterer for the food, and that was very good.
I don’t know. The whole thing was an annoying affair and if I were to get married again, there is no way I’d do much of anything the same. In fact, a justice of the peace wedding sounds very appealing. Although I do like the idea of having a minister do the ceremony, so I’d be fine with a teeny, tiny private wedding with just family and a couple of close friends present, if any.
The wedding doesn’t make a difference. The marriage, however, DOES make a huge difference. And I refuse to give up my singlehood for just anyone, ever again. I’m enjoying my life way too much as it is to screw it up with a marriage. That sounds terrible, I guess. But it is how I think about it now. My own experience with marriage was so awful, and the great marriages I see among my friends and family seem like miracles, or exceptions to the rule. I don’t think everyone gets as lucky as they have been; to find someone that complements them and is a true partner. And that’s just the way life is, let’s be honest.
It’s hard to find a good man, and so, if you are reading this and you HAVE a good man (or woman), please appreciate him and don’t take him for granted, ever. He might be a pain in the ass sometimes, but you know what you have is definitely special and, well, sacred; and God doesn’t give it to everyone.
If I get lucky/blessed one day and I do find a wonderful man, that’s how I am going to feel about it, for sure. Because I know all too well how easy it could be to wind up with the wrong partner.
Yuck. I don’t want to think about this anymore, it’s too depressing.