Day 18: My wedding

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My wedding. Yes, I did have one, once. The memories of that day are so strange now; it feels like it happened to someone else and that there was no way I would have agreed to go through with that. But it did happen, and I did go through with it, and now I have the bizarre experience of trying to forget that I ever had a wedding… and that I was ever married. And you know what? It’s not hard to do this at all.

It’s amazing how little I think about that whole life, back then. Probably because I was never fully committed to it in the first place. I liked my X, but I don’t believe I ever loved him. I said I did, but I was kidding myself. It’s a shame I did that. Not only to myself, of course, but in a way, I do feel bad that I did that to him, too. I let him think it was OK that we had issues and that I would patiently work through the challenges he would admit to (which, he always said were MY problems or problems with me, not him or us), and I let him think that I thought he was attractive. I feel kind of terrible about that one. As I have mentioned here, my type of guy could be described as dark… I love lots of long, dark hair, dark eyes, and I prefer a more scrawny physique, if I’m going to be honest. I’m very attracted to guys who aren’t white, too. I’d totally love to date, say, an East Indian, an Asian, or a Black dude. And X was… bald, very White, with blue eyes that almost gave him a scary Aryan look. How did that happen? I still don’t really know. I was serious about giving him a chance, when I met him, because he was SO NICE back then. And he was funny, back then. We liked a ton of the same things. When we went to San Francisco a few months into dating, it was incredibly fun. So the looks-thing was easy to overlook as I got to know him, and I’ll admit that he did seem cute to me for a long time. (Although, as he brought up from time to time as the years went by, I did initially worry he was a skinhead when we first met because of the bald/shaved head thing… he’d pull this out to make me feel terrible about being a judgmental jerk, whenever he wanted to hurt my feelings. But come on. Skinheads are terrifying… if you look even a little like one, I’m gonna be wary.)

The wedding itself was OK. I mostly got what I wanted, which was a casual, small wedding outside. But something never felt 100% exciting about the whole thing, as we were planning it. We had a strict budget and he knew exactly how he wanted us to break it down. As a result, instead of hiring someone to help us with setting up the wedding site in the park, we allotted a retarded amount of money to alcohol for the backyard reception because his college buddies were supposedly big drinkers. I didn’t get to have my hair or nails done, and his Mom made our wedding cake for free, but at least we did have a caterer for the food, and that was very good.

I don’t know. The whole thing was an annoying affair and if I were to get married again, there is no way I’d do much of anything the same. In fact, a justice of the peace wedding sounds very appealing. Although I do like the idea of having a minister do the ceremony, so I’d be fine with a teeny, tiny private wedding with just family and a couple of close friends present, if any.

The wedding doesn’t make a difference. The marriage, however, DOES make a huge difference. And I refuse to give up my singlehood for just anyone, ever again. I’m enjoying my life way too much as it is to screw it up with a marriage. That sounds terrible, I guess. But it is how I think about it now. My own experience with marriage was so awful, and the great marriages I see among my friends and family seem like miracles, or exceptions to the rule. I don’t think everyone gets as lucky as they have been; to find someone that complements them and is a true partner. And that’s just the way life is, let’s be honest.

It’s hard to find a good man, and so, if you are reading this and you HAVE a good man (or woman), please appreciate him and don’t take him for granted, ever. He might be a pain in the ass sometimes, but you know what you have is definitely special and, well, sacred; and God doesn’t give it to everyone.

If I get lucky/blessed one day and I do find a wonderful man, that’s how I am going to feel about it, for sure. Because I know all too well how easy it could be to wind up with the wrong partner.

Yuck. I don’t want to think about this anymore, it’s too depressing.

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6 responses »

  1. I’m impressed, surprised and pleased you cooperated with this post at all. I haven’t looked ahead to any of the required topics in this 30-day challenge thing, but when I saw your title I figured I was in for a “oh, HELL no…” post. 😉

  2. Yes, you know me well at this point! I wrote most of this last night when I was feeling a little more serious about things, but today I am feeling way more snarky and sarcastic and if I wrote it now, it would probably be a ‘fake’ post about some strange wedding I made up. Kind of like the Dust Bowl post last week. 😉

    I am going to propose we collectively change two of the upcoming challenge topics, too. The ones about “my day in detail” and “my week in detail.” Does that sound fun to do, at all? I certainly don’t want to do it. Maybe we can come up with two replacement topics and do those instead.

  3. Oh can we, please? Because what the hell, man. I’ve been dreading those two.

    I don’t think it sounds weird that you don’t want to mess your life up with another marriage. If you’re enjoying your life, and living it well, why would you want to change it? That’s not to say that change isn’t good, or that I think you wouldn’t be open with it, but there’s nothing wrong with status quo if it’s good.

  4. I wasn’t very excited about doing this post concept. I love your honesty. It really helps me feel so much less “alone”. I really do hope we both find wonderful men. We deserve them!

  5. I love your honesty in this post. And you are right…a true partner doesn’t come along all the time. I am thankful for what I have and appreciate my husband more than anyone knows. He was the one who made me believe marriage could work. Because before him I had no intention of ever getting married. EVER.

    I agree about the Day and Week in detail posts. What should we change them to? I’m open for suggestions.

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