Heh heh, not so fast.

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OK, it turns out that more people came to tonight’s audition than the earlier callback email indicated. There were 4 more women going for the role I’m up for. And one of them is an old friend! I was shocked when I walked in and saw her. We sat together and shared stories from Back In The Day and stuff, so that was fun. But I’m not good at doing that phony social thing, where you’re all nice and all and acting like “oh, I hope you get the part, you were sooo good” so I was glad when she didn’t do that, either. I think we both knew we wanted that part. It’s been so long, seriously, since I felt that feeling of competitiveness. I think that the only place I really get competitive is in theater. I like to watch the other girls audition and then blow them out of the water with my own cool interpretations of a character. Whether I end up cast in the part or not doesn’t matter; the game of the audition was always its own rush.

Everything was going well until She read. I don’t mean my friend. This other chick… a chick I have been up against for parts before. I even did a show with her once, and she was nice and VERY talented. I kind of sit back and admire her technique, and her ease of speaking the lines so naturally and fluid. If I were a director, I’d cast her in anything.

But, ya know… I sort-of was owning this audition until the director had Her read for the part I’m up for. (Initially, she was there to read the younger woman character. But the director saw something in her and had her read for the older part. Multiple times.) And as she read, I saw my chance at getting cast just melting away. I felt like the villain shaking my fist and going, “Curses! You win this round, you sly little fox! Once more, you’ve outplayed me!”

To make matters worse, the director announced that he still has other people to see outside of these callbacks, so there’s even more competition. I learned from another friend who was there tonight that yet ANOTHER friend of mine, a very good friend who I see regularly, is up for the part too and just couldn’t make the callback tonight. I’m not too concerned about her, though. Sounds evil, I know. But the thing is, she’s a great comedic actress (I have directed her before, myself), and she shines in those kind of parts, not necessarily these dramatic parts.

Everything is a big question mark. I still did a decent job tonight, especially in my first read of the night. It was a new scene and I was paired with… ahem… a hot guy. It was an intense scene, with my character losing it and crying and cursing, but also being a little turned on by the guy. So, yeah. That was fun! In a perfect world, he and I would both be cast and we could flirt during rehearsals like we’re teenagers, because some cute flirting already was happening a little bit tonight. Hee hee hee.  😉

The thing that happened later, though, was I had to read the scene again towards the end of the night. I read with a different guy I didn’t feel much chemistry with, AND I had just seen Her do the scene beautifully. I got flustered again, and stumbled over the lines in the beginning. I was pretty disappointed in that performance. I was more worried about the blocking, about trying to work in the sexual tension thing, and it felt off. It sucks, because I didn’t have another shot after that.

I’m surprised that I feel bummed out. Nothing’s decided yet, and it won’t be until the end of the week according to the director. So who knows what could happen. But I guess that this show is sort of different than how shows and auditions felt to me, back before 2003. I used to not care at all if I didn’t get a part. I can only think of one time in the past when I was disappointed, but it definitely had a lot more to do with a personal relationship I had with the director than the part, itself.

Why do I care about this show? What’s changed in seven+ years, anyway? I’m feeling thoughtful and self-reflective tonight, trying to sort out why I feel this way. I’m not, like, seriously bummed out and crying or something. Nooo… it’s more like a dull “oh, well, I guess that’s the end of THAT” feeling.

I’ve devoted way too much blog time to this subject already. But, I guess I do need to talk about it because… here I am. This all means something. Not sure what will ultimately come out of this experience, but it’s definitely got me thinking. I’ll admit I am becoming really aware of Where I Am In Life these days…I’m contemplative, but in a good way. I’m accepting the paths that I am on, and finding the reason why I am where I am at any given time. Know what I mean? I’ve got that “everything is an experience to add to the mosaic” attitude. I wonder about big things, like life, the universe (and everything… ha ha, you Douglas Adams fans). Lately, I believe everything truly is deliberate, like it’s all part of the bigger plan for my life. Even the things like this– one crummy little audition. It’s all supposed to happen just this way. I think. I don’t know.

Well, I’m off to bed because the callback didn’t end until 11:15 and I had a 25 minute drive home after that… I’m exhausted. I’m praying that by blogging this, I’ve freed it from my mind somewhat so I can sleep. I have a bad feeling that I’ll be thinkingthinkingthinking too much again tonight and won’t be able to sleep. So if this helps take the edge off of that, yippee.

OK. Unless I hear anything about the casting of the show, I won’t talk about it anymore for now. It’s time for me to think about the kind of stuff I had been thinking about up until this past weekend when I happened to see this audition notice and all this happened. I want to think about my writing. The books I’m reading. The volunteer work I could do with Hurley down the road. So, that is what I am going to make myself think about, damn it! It’s just a stupid show, for Christ’s sake. I know better. Sheesh.

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4 responses »

  1. Hey, at least you put yourself out there, did something fun that you love and have missed! You never know what might come of it!

  2. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for you. I’m just so amazed that you’re able to put yourself out there like this. It’s sounds so exciting when I hear about behind-the-scenes theater stuff, but I know I’d literally make myself *sick* if I tried to do it. So I’ll just live vicariously and enjoy your stories here!

  3. Yeah, I don’t regret doing this at all! It was definitely a fun time. Now, as the days go by, it’s already become a fun little memory (especially the part with being told to touch a hot guy) and as a result, I just might go to some other auditions down the road. As long the show sounds interesting, that is.

    Fraulein, I honestly don’t understand why I can do this, and yet can’t talk as myself to people. It’s a mystery. I blame the storyteller in me. Even when I was a little kid, I was always acting out make-believe stuff and pretending to be characters in books and movies. (Most of the time, I pretended in-secret; just walked around like the character would walk, say things the character would say; I’m surprised school psychologists never caught on and tried to label me schizophrenic or something.)

    You can try this, too, you know. You’re a writer. I’m not saying to go out and get up on a stage right away. Instead, just read aloud some of your writing, in character. It can be really illuminating and help you gain new insights into a story. It’s almost bizarre how well it can work sometimes. 🙂

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