You almost have to laugh

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It’s all so ridiculous. The work thing has completely effed with my head, and ever since Wednesday I’ve been feeling a sense of dread and panic underneath everything I’m doing. That’s because I don’t believe that at the end of 60 days, I won’t be fired. It’s my gut feeling, and it sucks.

So far, I haven’t found a damn thing to apply for, but hopefully I have all of 60 days to keep trying. I know it’s a terrible job market, so how long it takes ultimately is beyond me. I’m scared and confused because I don’t know what else I can do. I’d like to change careers, but I don’t know what else I could be qualified for. I should go to one of those career counselor people who help you figure out what you’re supposed to be doing. But who has money for that shit? Ugh. This blows.

Well, anyway, in other news, the crap just keeps on crappin’ along. As most of you know, on Thursday as I was driving home from work, I was in yet another car accident. I was on the exit ramp right near my house, when I glance in the rearview mirror and see a yellow jeep just barreling up the ramp way too fast behind me. Sure enough, he tried to stop in time but slammed VERY hard into the back of my car. That horrible feeling of being banged around is the worst. I keep reliving the sensory memory of how that impact feels.

Yeah, the second time in 7 months… rear-ended. At least this time, I didn’t get pushed forward into the car in front of me. My brakes are tight on this car, which is awesome. I braced for impact, and got it. And all the other cars just went around me and the Jeep, no one stopped to ask if we needed help, nothing. But then again, we were on a freeway exit ramp. Not a lot of room to do that kind of thing.

The impact slammed my head into the headrest, where my hairclip broke into several pieces against my head. I didn’t know it until I went to get out of the car and pieces of plastic fell around me. I know that the very first thing I screamed out as I sat there seconds after the impact was “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!”

It felt so trippy and horrible. I was already reeling from a terrible day at work (trying to act normal when everything feels absolutely awful) and then BAM. Thanks for adding to the pile of shit, universe. Love ya.

The guy was nice and apologetic, and after the cop came we moved to a side street and the cop filled out the police report. I was standing there making small talk with the (nice) asshole who hit me, and I thought that I didn’t need to exchange insurance info with the guy. Why would I think that? Because of my experience. With the December accident, the cop handed us all accident reports that had all of our information written on them. I assumed that this cop would do the same thing. Turns out, though, he was a DPS officer, and they don’t do things like the municipal cops do. They only give you a sheet of paper with the accident report # and tell you it will be filed in “15 to 20 days.” Dumb me, I think to myself, “OK, well I can give this accident report # to my insurance agent, and she can call and get the information to get a claim started.” NOOOoooo. Doesn’t work that way. Of course.

I feel really stupid that I didn’t exchange info with that guy. We had plenty of time, too. What is the matter with me? Ugh. I feel like such a loser. Now, I have no choice but to wait for the accident report to be filed and then I’ll find out the other guy’s info. Fifteen to 20 days from now, of course. Until then I get to drive around with my smashed-up ghetto-looking car. Yay. Awesome.

That night, I started to feel kinda “off.” I had a headache, so I took two of my painkillers and tried to go to sleep early. It didn’t work… I was awake almost the whole night. At this point, no real thoughts of “possible concussion” were in my head, so at least I wasn’t panicking about that. No, instead, the headache felt like a tension headache, and my brain felt tired from all the sadness and rage from the past c0uple of days.

I woke up early on Friday morning and knew: There was no way I could go to work. My head was throbbing, all over, but especially at the base of my skull. It took me awhile to make the connection but I kept hearing a sound all day, and I thought it was rain outside. Once I sat and listened, I thought it was just my computer. But soon I recognized the sound: It’s the sound your ears have after you leave a loud concert. Not a high-pitched ringing; just a fuzzy static kind of noise.

And even then I didn’t connect the two things. Finally, I ate lunch and could only force down about an eighth of it. I vomited everything up within minutes. That got my attention, so I went to the trusty internet to look up “symptoms of a concussion.”

Wow, I was surprised, actually. First, I didn’t know your head doesn’t even need to make actual impact with another object for you to get concussed; just the acceleration, deceleration of a very short stop can make your brain slosh around a bit inside your skull, tearing little nerve fibers.

I spent the next 20 minutes reading all the more reputable websites, self-diagnosing. I determined that since the vomiting only happened once, and the ringing in my ears was fading as the day went on, that if I did have a concussion, it wasn’t a bad one. I wasn’t dizzy, or confused, or slurring my speech, and my pupils were the same size. I decided that if anything got worse or didn’t go away by 7pm, I would go to the hospital.

Turns out, I only felt better. I took a shower and my sister took me to get something decent to eat. For us, when we are recovering from being sick or want comfort food, that means Cracker Barrel. I get the grilled chicken salad. Mmmm. It was so great. It was just what I needed. I took some plain Tylenol (recommended for concussions; whereas ibuprofen and aspirin are not. They can cause bleeding) and tried to go to bed early. I couldn’t, so I watched the first two episodes of True Blood, season 2 and finally felt sleepy enough to get in there and pass out. (And ladies, so far I STILL don’t get the big deal about Eric! He’s got red around his eyes and looks kind of, well, unattractive! I might be missing something here.)

By the way, according to the Mayo Clinic, there’s no proof that not letting a person with a concussion go to sleep makes any difference at all. In fact, some neurologists are speculating that sleep helps move the healing process along faster, because you are not using your senses as you sleep (vision, hearing, etc) and your brain rests. So that was why I had no fear about falling asleep.

I’m gonna admit something: on Thursday night, when I took those painkillers, I did wonder briefly if I did have a concussion, and was thinking about the no-sleep thing… and I deliberately wanted to go to sleep. If God decided to take me in my sleep, so be it. See, I can be suicidal, but I’m not capable of doing it myself. Times like this past week have me walking that trippy little line. I’m not proud of it. I’m kind of ashamed, actually. I would like to be a stronger person, and not a quitter. I know how absolutely life-shattering suicide is to your loved ones, and so that keeps me from ever getting even CLOSE to doing it. I love everyone way, way, WAY too much. So, what I am saying is, don’t worry. I won’t kill myself. I might hurt myself, but that’s not the same thing, I promise.

So anyway, moving on.

Me and my sister had planned a hiking trip to Sedona for the day on Saturday (today) because we both needed to get out of the city, and into nature for a few hours. All I’ve been craving lately is being deep in the woods someplace. Surrounded by green and vibrant, buzzing life. Pure oxygen coming from the trees. Just… calmness. I was totally looking forward to this day trip. (I would love to take a week, even two, to just go camping or something, but I can’t do that anytime soon.)

However, with the possible concussion, I knew that hiking wasn’t the greatest idea right now. Exerting yourself too much after a concussion can give you seizures or bleeding on the brain. YEAH, I don’t need that right now. So we opted to be safe, rather than sorry, which sucks. No Sedona, trees or hiking for us today. I was so sad. I still feel sad.

Instead, I slept in and got three hours of uninterrupted sleep. I woke up feeling better than ever since this accident happened. I checked the mail and saw I got my 12th jury duty notice. TERRIFIC!!! I can’t believe how the shit keeps piling on. But, I had to laugh too, because of course I’d get a jury duty notice right now. That’s so in keeping with how things have been going for me. I can’t believe I have friends and family who have only been called once or twice over the last decade… or not at ALL. I can’t even imagine that at this point. I just keep my running tally going, and wait for the next one to inevitably appear.

After that, we went to see Inception, which was really good. I thought I’d be totally lost or confused, but I wasn’t, which was a nice surprise. Of course, the end has me thinking, but kind of in that “end of LOST” kind of way. So I don’t mind. Anyway, it was cool going to a movie and getting out of the house on a day when we could have been in Sedona. At least we did something.

Well, it’s getting late again and I feel like it’s time to get changed into comfy bed clothes and do some more relaxing. I’m just doing whatever my body tells me it wants, honestly. I don’t want to do the crap my MIND wants to do, which is sit and worry and obsessively keep checking the job websites. Nope. I can’t do that right now. I have to be a little more basic and visceral right now, and take care of this ol’ mortal coil. It’s got to carry me through what will likely be 60 days of stress and worry. Sigh.

Like usual, I’ll end this post saying that I love my pets. My boys have been wonderful these past couple of days. Simon has even been kissing me. He never licks me, ever. But yesterday he was licking my calves as I lay in bed, and then came up and licked my forearms. It was fantastic because it made me smile. And Hurley’s been his usual wonderful self… just sitting next to me on the bed, letting me pet and talk to him for long periods of time. When I cry, he climbs up and licks my face very aggressively; meaning he will keep climbing after me if I try to turn my face away or move back, he just keeps on coming, and he licks very fast mostly near my nose, mouth and eyes, which inevitably makes me laugh no matter HOW down I am. I’m sure he’s after the gross saltiness of my tears and snot, but I like to think that he does this because he knows it will make me laugh. It’s like he knows what he has to do to make me feel better. God, he’s incredible. Gross, but incredible. My little bird. No matter what happens, where I end up or how poor I become, one thing is absolutely certain: my two boys will ALWAYS be with me. And that makes me feel so much better and safer somehow.

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3 responses »

  1. Be sure you inform HR about your suspicions and how those people at that job are making you feel now…

  2. I agree with Jen, like I said in my last comment on your previous post. File your own complain with HR.

    The thing with sleep and concussion is not that you shouldn’t sleep but that someone should check on you ever four hours or so to make sure you are not unconsious since bleeding on the brain is a bad bad thing. So yes, you can sleep, just need to be woken up and checked to make sure you’re still you. 🙂

    I can’t believe all the stuff that has happened to you in a week. Although I have been having pretty much the same type of week so I can relate. I think you and I need to be our own personal watchdogs so we can handle each other’s shit. Might be easier that way. 🙂

  3. Aw man, so sorry to hear what a crapstorm you’ve been going through lately. Sending you NJ hugs and strength (and attitude)!!!

    (Ditto to what the others said about talking to HR also. Make sure you get/keep copies of anything you or they write down too – in case anything gets “lost” later)

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