Breaking

Standard

I have been working harder than ever, meeting the deadlines and following the rules and today, they STILL WROTE ME UP because of “performance issues.”

I can’t get into it, I don’t have the strength. But it’s just more than I feel like I can handle right now. I know I did everything I could and I honestly thought I was improving at everything they wanted me to do. Instead, they dug super deep and found ‘issues’ that are complete bullshit. I recognize what’s going on.

My company has a strict policy about giving everyone a chance before they are canned. They want to can me. So badly. I think they thought I would quit before now, based on the stress and frustration they put me under. But I didn’t. So now, according to company protocol, they have no choice but to find shit wrong with what I’m doing, document it with HR, and give me 60 days to “meet stated performance goals.” And these goals, man… I have been doing them. Or, I honestly thought I was. But it seems like I can’t win no matter what I do, because when I defended myself (quite calmly, I might add) and even had my boss look up an email I sent her to prove one of my points, they were trying so hard to find the negative, or the thing I could have ‘done differently’, anyway. I wish I had a video camera to document it all, just so you all could see what I’m talking about. They were GRASPING to find ways to not-back-down on their criticisms of me. I could see it, smell it, hear it… it was just so flat-out obvious I would have laughed if I wasn’t so angry.

I’ve had it, I am done, I am not going to do this anymore. I can’t. I don’t have the strength. I have enough trouble hanging on as it is, fighting off depression with a stick around every turn. But then the thing with the book happened, and this on top of it just feels… I don’t know. Too huge.

I keep on getting challenged in life, and I think I’m failing the various challenges. I don’t know what else to say other than: I don’t know what else to do. What can I do different to be a better Me? If I can’t be a writer for a job, what the hell else can I be? Clearly, this shit isn’t working out as a paid job. If this is the third company to lay me off, then there has to be something to it. Universe, you can stop hitting me over the head with this now.

But please, give me an indication or idea of what else I can do, who or what else I can be.

I’m really exhausted and defeated.

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7 responses »

  1. I got canned from each job I’ve had since moving back East, if I wasn’t incubating I was thinking of changing professions. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, I know how it feels. I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem with you or your work ethic, I just find employers suck these days.

  2. That’s so hard. I bless your strength in the face of this. It’s a beautiful grace that you kept your cool. You have more control than I!

    ~Muse LeMorgon

  3. Funny, I want to go “home” so much anymore, and this makes it even clearer. If I didn’t own this house, I would totally move back to NJ. I know it’s expensive, and I know the job market sucks everywhere, but at least I’d be with my family, in MY place, where I was supposed to be. I screwed up in 1997 when I purposely blew my opportunity with the NY DGA program. I’d be a 2nd Assistant Director right now (or better) if I’d stayed. Stupid me, I had to “go where it’s warm.” Yeah, well, LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME. Nothing but one epic fail after another out here.

    I’m thinking seriously of returning the $8K tax credit (because you have to if you sell before 3 years’ ownership), putting my place on the market or renting it out, and getting the fuck outta Dodge. Start over in the place where I started in the first place. Maybe I can make up for lost time somehow. I don’t know.
    Everything’s a fuckin’ mess in my head right now.

  4. I admit if felt good to “come home” after 6 years in Cali and a bad marriage, but your Mom and sister are out there, so your situation is a little different. Also, I came back East with a big, fat wad of cash from selling my house to use as a cushion. But, every job I’ve had since I’ve been back East has sucked. Again, it may be that I need to get the hell out of marketing, but I don’t really know how to do anything else and although I’m hoping to stay home with the baby, if I do any work part time, it will probably be marketing related, sans a slight opportunity to be an adjunct professor at a college a friend works at. I know your frustration and anger and hopelessness and I’m here if there’s anything I can do.

  5. My very first thought after reading your first paragraph was, “They’re trying to get rid of you.” Not to sound all paranoid on your behalf, but it sounds like someone at the office has a personal problem with you and it’s led to this crap. It’s *their* problem, and unfortunately they’ve made it into yours as well, but that doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for it. Getting canned doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with *you*.

    Step back and figure out what you really want to do. What’s best for you. Let me know if you need to talk.

  6. Start documenting everything yourself as well. And you have every right to go to HR yourself and tell them you fele like they are purposely trying to get rid of you. Back yourself up and make it harder for them to do this so that gives you some more time to find something you want to do instead. Believe me, I know how it feels to be “stuck.” I fele stuck myself. In my job, in this city, in my life in general. I ahve had a lot of unpleasant thoughts lately. Thoughts I don’t like but know I am having because I am unhappy. Problem is I don’t know what would make me happy. I hope you stick it to your idiot bosses because they won’t know what their loss is until you are gone.

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