I have been working harder than ever, meeting the deadlines and following the rules and today, they STILL WROTE ME UP because of “performance issues.”
I can’t get into it, I don’t have the strength. But it’s just more than I feel like I can handle right now. I know I did everything I could and I honestly thought I was improving at everything they wanted me to do. Instead, they dug super deep and found ‘issues’ that are complete bullshit. I recognize what’s going on.
My company has a strict policy about giving everyone a chance before they are canned. They want to can me. So badly. I think they thought I would quit before now, based on the stress and frustration they put me under. But I didn’t. So now, according to company protocol, they have no choice but to find shit wrong with what I’m doing, document it with HR, and give me 60 days to “meet stated performance goals.” And these goals, man… I have been doing them. Or, I honestly thought I was. But it seems like I can’t win no matter what I do, because when I defended myself (quite calmly, I might add) and even had my boss look up an email I sent her to prove one of my points, they were trying so hard to find the negative, or the thing I could have ‘done differently’, anyway. I wish I had a video camera to document it all, just so you all could see what I’m talking about. They were GRASPING to find ways to not-back-down on their criticisms of me. I could see it, smell it, hear it… it was just so flat-out obvious I would have laughed if I wasn’t so angry.
I’ve had it, I am done, I am not going to do this anymore. I can’t. I don’t have the strength. I have enough trouble hanging on as it is, fighting off depression with a stick around every turn. But then the thing with the book happened, and this on top of it just feels… I don’t know. Too huge.
I keep on getting challenged in life, and I think I’m failing the various challenges. I don’t know what else to say other than: I don’t know what else to do. What can I do different to be a better Me? If I can’t be a writer for a job, what the hell else can I be? Clearly, this shit isn’t working out as a paid job. If this is the third company to lay me off, then there has to be something to it. Universe, you can stop hitting me over the head with this now.
But please, give me an indication or idea of what else I can do, who or what else I can be.
I’m really exhausted and defeated.