This post sucks.
I’m just not feeling right today. All day, I’ve been so off, it’s almost disturbing. Yet another poor night’s sleep… I slept in as long as I could, and stumbled around having breakfast and then starting work.
I talked to my Mom, and then my Dad. I edited one article that was written by a guy whose first language is German, created a questionnaire for another article, edited another article my supervisor wants turned over like, yesterday… it was a lot of work, but now I can be like HA, I showed you… Bet you didn’t think I would work over the weekend, or do whatever I have to, in order to make your impossible deadlines. But I did.
The thing is, I know it doesn’t matter all that much. She’s not going to really care. No one will. It’s just more stuff that’s completed, and that’s the end of it. And I’ll be working on a whole other batch of stuff this week, and the week after, and after…
It feels so pointless and depressing. I work so hard, like we all do, and yet: what’s it all for? Just so we can earn money to buy possessions? Pretty much. I’m just having the kind of day when I wonder when I will actually feel like I’m doing what I SHOULD BE doing.
And I feel so alone, sometimes. The house can be so lonely, and overwhelming. Yesterday it hit me hard, just how much I wish my life here wasn’t tied so closely to this damn house. What would have been so bad about renting, rather than buying something? Do I really think I will ever feel settled here, in this house? HA! I’ve been moving constantly since I moved to this damn state, never throwing away cardboard boxes because I know it’ll only be a year or so before I move again. And I already know that I won’t be in this house for very long. Sure, for a little while, this felt like home and the right place for me to settle and relax. I might have been wrong.
I have so very much to do, just in everyday upkeep on this place. For example, I have weeds coming up in the back yard again, and I have a choice: either I get out there with the hoe, rip them out and spray what cannot be pulled; or I hire someone to do it for me. Yeah, like I have any more money to spare. I have to do it. And yet, I am not supposed to because of my stupid, slow-healing injuries. OK, I literally CAN’T right now. This sucks because as time goes by, I’m healing but the weeds only get worse. Argh.
Same thing with the painting. I had been doing it myself right up until the day I fell. I still have paint cans, trays and other stuff all over my kitchen counter, waiting for me to finish. It’s hard to see it every day. It drives me nuts at this point; having to be home here so much, staring at it, and not being able to do anything about it.
I apologize to anyone who reads this post, because it’s nothing but a long bitch-session. Well, off to bed. Got to go the office tomorrow, be told how much I suck again, I’m sure… I got a lot done recently, but it will not be enough to get people off my back. I’m so sick to death of my mediocre life.
I have to change it. Time to move on to the next phase, because this one is not working anymore. I have some thoughts about what to do, new things I have to learn, etc. It’s not all hopeless. I hope not, anyway. It’s just today has been so gloomy and lame.