Sorry, in advance

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This post sucks.

I’m just not feeling right today. All day, I’ve been so off, it’s almost disturbing. Yet another poor night’s sleep… I slept in as long as I could, and stumbled around having breakfast and then starting work.

I talked to my Mom, and then my Dad. I edited one article that was written by a guy whose first language is German, created a questionnaire for another article, edited another article my supervisor wants turned over like, yesterday… it was a lot of work, but now I can be like HA, I showed you… Bet you didn’t think I would work over the weekend, or do whatever I have to, in order to make your impossible deadlines. But I did.

The thing is, I know it doesn’t matter all that much. She’s not going to really care. No one will. It’s just more stuff that’s completed, and that’s the end of it. And I’ll be working on a whole other batch of stuff this week, and the week after, and after…

It feels so pointless and depressing. I work so hard, like we all do, and yet: what’s it all for? Just so we can earn money to buy possessions? Pretty much. I’m just having the kind of day when I wonder when I will actually feel like I’m doing what I SHOULD BE doing.

And I feel so alone, sometimes. The house can be so lonely, and overwhelming. Yesterday it hit me hard, just how much I wish my life here wasn’t tied so closely to this damn house. What would have been so bad about renting, rather than buying something? Do I really think I will ever feel settled here, in this house? HA! I’ve been moving constantly since I moved to this damn state, never throwing away cardboard boxes because I know it’ll only be a year or so before I move again. And I already know that I won’t be in this house for very long. Sure, for a little while, this felt like home and the right place for me to settle and relax. I might have been wrong.

I have so very much to do, just in everyday upkeep on this place. For example, I have weeds coming up in the back yard again, and I have a choice: either I get out there with the hoe, rip them out and spray what cannot be pulled; or I hire someone to do it for me. Yeah, like I have any more money to spare. I have to do it. And yet, I am not supposed to because of my stupid, slow-healing injuries. OK, I literally CAN’T right now. This sucks because as time goes by, I’m healing but the weeds only get worse. Argh.

Same thing with the painting. I had been doing it myself right up until the day I fell. I still have paint cans, trays and other stuff all over my kitchen counter, waiting for me to finish. It’s hard to see it every day. It drives me nuts at this point; having to be home here so much, staring at it, and not being able to do anything about it.

I apologize to anyone who reads this post, because it’s nothing but a long bitch-session. Well, off to bed. Got to go the office tomorrow, be told how much I suck again, I’m sure… I got a lot done recently, but it will not be enough to get people off my back. I’m so sick to death of my mediocre life.

I have to change it. Time to move on to the next phase, because this one is not working anymore. I have some thoughts about what to do, new things I have to learn, etc. It’s not all hopeless. I hope not, anyway. It’s just today has been so gloomy and lame.

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5 responses »

  1. There’s probably not anything I can say or do to make you feel better, but girl, I feel your existential woes and I totally understand. So sorry you’re going through all this I’m sure I speak for everyone reading when I say if there’s anything we can do for you, just let us know–even if it’s something silly like talking about Nic Cage’s newest hairdo or Trace Cyrus’s latest bout of crying in the closet.

    Living on your own (whether it’s tangible or psychological) is a wonderful thing in so many respects, but it can really take a toll: I’m there right now with you, ready for a life change and ready for the next big thing. If you want me to send you Precious Moments and motivational posters in the mail, I will do so; if you want to read about my own musings, you know where to find them, but whatever the case, I’m here for you with a big hug and a can of whipped cream just ready for huffing. xoxo

  2. My sister and I help each other out with the weeds and tree trimmin. Im sure we could help if, when you get better, you help us. Ive always wanted to start a girl landscaping co-op. one day a week, everyone goes to someones house and gets a whole days work done in like an hour and then we all go for ice cream. πŸ™‚

    I tried to encourage T to do that with the guys and constructy hard labor stuff but they all slackers.

  3. Thank you, ladies. I’m really ready to huff that whipped cream now! Let’s go!

  4. I completely understand how you feel! Between work woes, having to move and being unable to do much due to my bum leg (I actually had a set-back and have to start all over again with PT) I feel worthless, depressed and unhappy. As we unpack I ask myself, why? If we are going to move again in a year why unpack everything? It is a vicious circle. 😦

    Understand your inability to do much is feeding your stress about the house. I know how much you love that house and how excited you were to get it. You will feel that again. πŸ™‚

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