And then, I cried a little.

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Tonight was fun. I went to the film festival with my sister, and we saw a great little movie called Best Worst Movie… it was pretty hilarious. And now I have to watch “the worst movie ever made,” which is the movie BWM is devoted to, Troll 2. Good, good stuff.

However, something weird happened to me when I left the theater to drive home. I got all sad and I couldn’t really pinpoint the reason. I spent the drive home listening to music, crying and trying to figure out what was bothering me.

Here’s what I think it could be:

* Sometimes, I feel lonely. I remember all the failed relationships and think about how I seriously don’t have any interest in actually dating. I wonder when I will feel like allowing another person into my life. If ever. What if I never get out of this phase? Because it’s not like I am in a hurry or anything, that’s for sure. I just wonder about myself, sometimes. And how it might be when I am old and completely alone.

* I am jealous of my friends in solid, healthy relationships. And most of all, I am feeling a weird sense of mortality when I remember that “oh yeah, I have no kids, and I am nowhere close to being able to have them” when I see, read about or talk to my friends who have kids. I’m confused by this, though, because I’m still not convinced or sure that yes, I do want to be a parent. I feel too selfish and immature in a lot of ways to see myself as anyone’s mother. But… come on. People do it every day. And people do it well everyday. It’s easy to focus on the negative cases, the messes, the improper parenting and poorly-raised brats we all see every day… but when I stop and look at people doing it right, I feel the strangest, deepest pang of sadness. I don’t completely understand this feeling, yet. I don’t know what to do with it. I just know something isn’t feeling quite right anymore. Part of me truly yearns to raise a child into adulthood. I know I could do it right. And I know I could easily love an adopted child, a child someone else didn’t want. In fact, that’s what I have a calling to do. BUT WOW. How the hell do I do that?! You know how much money you need to adopt? Or how strict the home studies are, and how people with a history of depression are often screened out early on in the process? I know it has to be strict, because these are children’s lives here, and you don’t want just anyone to adopt them… but sometimes it does seem impossible for people like me. Why it should be so difficult for someone like me to adopt a child, and yet any bonehead with a working set of fallopian tubes can have a kid out of wedlock? Ahhh, hell. Whatever. You’ve heard me bitch about this kind of thing before. No sense talking about it any further tonight.

* My friend Jason is one of the founders of this film festival. This is the 10th year it’s been in existence. It began as a small little thing downtown, with a handful of volunteers. I volunteered for the second and third years, introducing films and directing festival-goers to different theaters. And now, it’s kind of a major event. Every year it draws big crowds, the movies are better all the time (last year, 500 Days of Summer premiered there, or at least, played there, for example). I’m really so very proud of Jason and amazed at how successful this thing has become. I’m very happy for him, and definitely enjoy going every year… S0 why do I feel worse about myself when I go to this event? What’s the deal?

* Here’s the deal: I am reminded once more that I have not done anything worth noting yet. All the things I could be doing, to use my once-strong writing skills, I’m not doing them. WHY? Seriously, I’m not really sure why, anymore. I think about how this festival has been going on for 10 years, and I remember that first year and how, back then, I had such plans and ideas about what I was going to do. I was going to play some kick-ass parts on stage yet; I was going to direct shows, and do more sound design. And most of all, I was going to (say it with me now, you’ve heard this tune on repeat now for-fuckin’-ever) write and be published. Did I do it? Nope. I got so damn sidetracked that I don’t really even know where the tracks are anymore. I was in crappy relationships, buying houses and condos, moving pretty much every other year or more, facing the whole endometriosis thing, struggling my way out of depression and crappy, go-nowhere jobs… YEAH, suffice to say, the last 10 years haven’t been anything worth remembering, really. Kind of a wasted decade. Which is what has me sad, I think: I feel old, I feel unaccomplished, I feel stunted. I regret losing a decade to pretty-much-nothing, I really do. I thought I was a little better than that, more intelligent and resilient.

I think I’m tired of all the BLINKING, BLINDING, IN-MY-FACE REMINDERS of my own inadequency. It’s getting to me now, it really is. I have connections to some pretty successful people, and there are opportunities to go down a more fulfilling, successful path that would make me feel better about how I am living my life. Yet, at the same time, I think I get intimidated and sad instead of charged-up by being near these people, directly and even indirectly.

I have officially had enough of this. I’m going to talk to someone, because if I lose any more of my life to NOTHINGNESS, I’m only going to feel worse with every single day that goes by. I thought I could work my way out of this, by journaling and even talking with friends and family, but nights like tonight remind me that I’m actually more fragile about this shit than I can really handle. I like to think I’m smart and capable enough to work through it, toughen up and kick my own ass into shape, but… yeah. Maybe not so much. Time to get reinforcements.

And also, maybe reframe my thinking regarding this house. It’s a distraction from doing what’s really important. I think about the house too much, spend too much money and time on it. I can’t lie: I do wish I hadn’t bought it. Big time buyer’s remorse. I got sucked into thinking I needed a house, that a house was the smartest way to spend my money, but… it’s also a leg iron, keeping me tied RIGHT HERE, where I am. It’s too easy to shift my thinking to ‘what color should I paint this room’ and NOT deal with the hard work of writing myself out of a tough chapter of my book. Or writing the damn 30 Rock spec script. If I could go back one year, I’d be looking at places to rent, instead of buy.

Oh, well. Woulda coulda shoulda, right? Right.

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8 responses »

  1. I really hate to say this, but this all sounds very familiar and for once I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about my EX. You cannot go down the path he went down.

    We have been out of contact for quite some time, so I don’t know the particulars of a lot of your life, but I’m sure there have been some accomplishments that would be astounding to others.

    With the number of people that come in and out of our lives, there’s always going to be a variety of successes and failures. You CANNOT judge your own life by other people.

    Everyone has different life experiences and their own views of how their life has turned out. I truly sympathize. The reason I can’t take compliments is because there is always someone I know who is smarter, or more talented or more attractive, so I feel like taking a compliment is equivalent to thinking I’m better than someone who I know excels at something more than I do.

    But I digress… you need to be able to find joy in your friend’s successes and try very hard not to let it leave you feeling like a failure… it is such a lonely road to go down and I know you’re better than that. I have such envy of your creativity. I have so many thoughts in my head, but fear if I start the writing process I’ll be disappointed, whereas you seem compelled to write.

    Plus, I luckily found a great man when I left EX, but you’ve found the strength to buy your own house and work on it yourself. I know you may be lonely sometimes, but we both know it’s better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship and you’ve been going through a lot of personal growth lately to get you ready for the next thing.

    You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to me, I really hope you can see how wonderful you are. Don’t let depression and self-doubt ruin you, you’re so much better than that.

  2. It’s funny how bogged down we sometimes get with those feelings that we’re not living life while we are, in fact, LIVING LIFE. I feel that way a lot. Not as much as I used to, but I do get hung up, from time to time, on thinking I’m not anybody, I don’t do anything amazing, I haven’t done anything that makes a difference in this world, I haven’t done anything important or significant the way I always thought I would… The truth is that we are all exactly WHO and WHEN and WHERE we are SUPPOSED TO BE right now. That doesn’t mean we can’t make changes, take steps to become more of what we want, follow our dreams…. it just means don’t forget to be here and now, in the moment, focused on the present. YOUR present.

    Also, I feel quite a lot like you stated after seeing a movie in the theatre, any movie. I didn’t realize it until the year my family went with me to see Titanic (after I’d already seen it twice). I was in a really surly, snappish mood once we departed the theatre. My mom had to remind me “It’s time to come back to reality now. Get your head back on straight. That was just a movie. You cannot treat people the way you are just because your emotions are all tangled thanks to a movie.”

    I still have to remind myself of that when leaving a dark movie theatre after losing myself in a film for a couple of hours. It takes a minute to come back to the present.

  3. “I think I get intimidated and sad instead of charged-up by being near these people, directly and even indirectly.”

    I hear ya sweetie. I feel this way just about every day. At first I get charged up but then I dont do anything about it. It IS easy to get distracted by either the fun stuff in my life or things I want to do with the house. Not having a job for this long takes its toll. I am starting to feel like Im crappy designer. If you find out how to fix it, please let me know.

  4. Okay sister, here’s the thing, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
    Just take a deep breath. I’m guessing it was the little old man in that movie talking about how he is old and alone, no kids, no grandkids, just a wasted life, that triggered this. That’s not going to be you. You don’t have to close yourself off like that, and act like your life is over. You have a LOT more years than that old man has. And so what if maybe you can’t have kids or you can’t adopt kids? You might date someone who has a kid. You might meet a man who has money and stability and you two may be able to adopt. And maybe you might just have nieces and nephews, get to hang out with them whenever you want and go home to peace and quiet afterwards.
    I guess my point is, you don’t always have to do it all YOURSELF. Other people can bring wonderful things into your life —–if you let them. So worry about this crap later, let someone else bring that to the table for you.
    As far as the house is concerned, I know you regret buying it, but try and remember what you like about having a house, why you had to have one in the first place. I know one of the reasons was to have an office you can write in, right? So next weekend make it your final project for a little while and get up early over the weekend and get in that office and clean it out and paint it. I’ll help if you want! Then after that, leave well enough alone. You have a lot of years to finish the kitchen, finish your bathroom, all of that stuff. Let it go.
    Remember that you are talented, not many people can write like you can. If you want proof, go on the amazon.com page for Tom’s book and read the negative review of it up there. (It’s pretty spot-on.) If you weren’t so funny, people wouldn’t want to be your friend, or read your blog. You are a FANTASTIC writer, and you ARE funny enough. That will take you places. Again, you just have to relax and let it.
    I love you sister, but stop kicking your own ass for a little while and just be brave enough to share the great person you are with everyone else!!!!!!

  5. Oh, man… in the light of day, this post is almost embarrassing. But it’s still true, and I know I have work to do in order to get out of my useless Me vs. Myself Battle.

    In the meantime: You guys rock. You said some lovely things here, and I love the encouraging words so much. It occurs to me: Is this more of a woman thing, you think… this second-guessing of ourselves, or do guys do this, too? Well, it doesn’t matter, of course. But I can’t say I have run into many guys who have as much of a problem with these kind of issues. Maybe estrogen= angst. Who knows. 🙂

    Thanks for the awesome suggestions, too. Some of this made me get a little teared up. Awww. I love you guys. And Trish, I haven’t seen that review of his book, but I bet it’s funny and *WILL* make me feel better. Sometime I’ll have to look for it, I guess.

    I have to be honest: I think what I really need is some weed. It would really help me relax and be silly again, I think. I need it for therapeutic purposes. Maybe I can get a prescription. Hey, it is better than drinking. No hangover…just happy munchies. 🙂 Soooo… who’s holding?

  6. Also, I was thinking, don’t forget you haven’t exactly been able to keep your meds down this past week, and I’m sure that a lot of what you think/feel is a result of the lack of those usual filters.

  7. I am a little late to this post due to my life spiraling out of control but I do want to say that I have these feelings as well. Especially with everything going on. Why is my life this way? How did things get so out of control? Then I have to stop myself and actually think about everything that is wonderful in my life. You need to do the same. Because you have an amazing life, a life you took control of and is all your own. Own it, love it, live it! 🙂

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