Ugly Whining


Sometimes I really hate that my job blocks Facebook. Well, to be more accurate, it blocks Facebook for everyone BUT the stupid marketing department… which definitely ticks me off because I know what they’re doing (and not doing) on FB, and none of it is benefiting our company in any way.

But I think I’ve come to see Facebook as a relaxing, fun diversion. I seem to get in a better mood every time I go on there for more than a few minutes. That’s because my friends are awesome. They post great photos, they post funny movie and TV quotes, they share hilarious videos and internet crap… it’s just the kind of thing that makes me exclaim (to no one) “I love the internet!”

Today I’m in what could be considered a glum mood. Why? Because I’m exhausted. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep yet again last night. By my estimations, I got only about 2 hours total of sleep last night. It’s not always the house ghost, either. I don’t actually know WHAT it is. I’m not eating too close to bed time, and I usually don’t have much caffeine, if any, after lunch time. I don’t turn my TV on before bed anymore, since I read that it can be too stimulating for your brain in the moments before sleep. I keep the room cool, and very dark. So what the hell else can I be doing? Or not doing?

More and more, I am suspecting sleep apnea. That’s because in many of the instances when I startle awake, my heart is racing and I find myself taking deep breaths to calm down. Maybe I’m snoring so much I’m not breathing. This is an instance where I wish I knew if I am a big snorer or not. I should have someone sleep over and listen to me. (Boy, that really sounds like lots of fun for one lucky friend or family member! Reminds me of the Cinco Sleep Chair, actually. Which is hilarious. But I digress.)

I just went to the ladies’ room and when I looked in the mirror, I’m horrified by just how awful I look today. I know I have bags under my eyes, because I tried to shrink them with an ice pack this morning, and then cover them with makeup. But damned if my entire HEAD doesn’t look exhausted somehow. I feel kind of gray, and droopy. I know it’s my imagination, but even my hair looks dull. Jeez, I really have had ENOUGH of this sleeplessness crap.

One more thing not helping my mood is the fact that I have NOT heard a thing from either of the general contractors who came to my house last Friday and were supposed to give me bids for replacing my shitty RV gate and/or covering my back patio. Both said I would get something “by Monday”… well, Monday came and went. In fact, the whole WEEK came and went, and we’re now at a full week since they came out. I could understand one of the contractors falling through, but BOTH of them?! Son of a bitch. I’m really angry, and resent the fact that I apparently need to call them and ask them to send me the fucking bids. If they wanted the work, they should be able to do this without me having to remind them. Is this some indication of how they would do the actual job? Maybe. Oh, man. I hate this shit. Why don’t I have superhuman strength, some tools and skills? Then I could do it my goddamned self and KNOW it will be completed. I hate having to depend on stupid men for things like this that I don’t think I can realistically handle myself. HATE. IT. SO. MUCH.

When I think back to all the houses I put bids in on last year that already HAD covered back porches and normal RV gates, I want to puke all over myself. Figures the one house I DO end up getting doesn’t have either of those things, and it apparently is haunted, too. And buying it did not get me the homebuyer tax credit I was led to believe I was entitled to get. I swear to God, I don’t know how shit like this turns out this way. I feel really dumb, though. I mean, I signed up for this. I bought this house. I signed the fucking papers and agreed to the way-overpriced ‘remodeling’ shit that was done. It’s my bed and I have to lie in it. I know. I just wish I had thought this through a little more, maybe even waited a little bit until I found a house I really wanted. Now I am tied here, to this house, to Arizona, even…for an indefinite amount of time. If my sister ends up living permanently in California and having children, will I be able to move out there to be with them? Doubt it. And I hate that.


Someone just slap the shit out of me now, please.


2 responses »

  1. Okay *rolls up sleeves* watch out. I am going to give advice.

    First about the sleeping thing. It could be sleep apnea or it could be stress. I know I always sleep less when I am stressed (Ironically when you need good sleep the most) So perhaps try the sound machine thing I suggested in another post. Also, do you have a nighttime ritual? Routine at night to relax you is a good way to get uninterrupted sleep. Also do you have access to video camera? Perhaps taping yourself at night would help you pinpoint what happens when you wake up at night?

    I really think you should do a house cleansing. I’m not saying that your House Ghosts are bad but you do seem to be a bit offset by them lately. And plus a house cleansing is a good thing to do with a new house. Sea salt in corners of the home is a quick way to keep good energy in and keep bad energy out. There are several other things to do to get your new home inline with your personal energy.

    This may make me sound wacky but it has worked for me in the past. 🙂

  2. Hey, you know what I’ve been doing? Using lavender/chamomile lotion before bed, and keeping a nightlight on all night long. So far I have been doing this for two nights…and it’s been WORKING! Something about the night light seems to ease my anxiety about the ghost-thing, because I don’t wake up and immediately start eyeing all the shadows around my room. And the lavender just smells so nice it actually does work the way people say it does…

    I haven’t done the home cleansing stuff, but if this stuff picks up again and my sleep suffers once more, I totally will! I’m not going to forget how crappy this experience has been… I won’t tolerate it if it repeats itself! Grrr!

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