Changes for the better


I lost a day between Wednesday afternoon and yesterday afternoon… the migraine from hell attacked me and wouldn’t let up. I’ve been spoiled, since I haven’t had a bad one like that in a few months, at the very least. I’ve had tension headaches that hurt like hell, but they didn’t knock me out entirely. Wednesday night I considered ODing on the Vicodin I’ve got stockpiled, just to feel some relief. (And yes, ODing is what I meant. I would have taken two, possibly 3 tablets when I should have only taken one. One doesn’t seem to make a dent in anything, though. I’d have chugged them down if it meant the pain would cease.)

The weather was rainy and windy, so that was what brought my headache on. I tried to fight it off by taking Goody’s headache powders when it first started, but it was too late. Nothing was going to help. Instead, I had to ride it out by drinking double the amount of water I normally do, and sleeping as much as possible in a dark room. So that’s what I did yesterday. I called out sick and moved around very little. By dinnertime last night, the headache was pretty much gone. It sucks when you know medicines aren’t going to do shit, so you just need to deal with it until it’s over. Because in this case, it means I have to admit to myself that I can’t do anything about it and so I can either accept it and remember not to do anything, or keep trying to function and make myself absolutely miserable in the process. I’ve finally learned to pay attention and accept ‘defeat’ because, in the long run, I feel better faster.

So I did nothing yesterday. I didn’t even do the dishes, or empty the clean dishwasher. Poor Simon’s box didn’t get cleaned until after dinner. The idea was to move as little as possible and not bend over for ANY reason. (That seems to make my headache 10x worse, immediately.)

But yeah, today, I am here at work and I do not have a headache. I’m kind of wiped-out feeling, but that’s normal the day after.

Not much is going on in my life these days. It’s been quiet. I’ve been wondering if my depression is a factor lately, but on a more low-grade, subtle level than usual. I don’t feel openly unhappy. I just feel BLAH again. Uninterested in doing much of anything. Feeling unattractive and unhealthy again. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks… not good. But the good thing is, I know I am doing all of this, so I’m not oblivious or in denial of the negative way I’m behaving. So that’s something.

I think I need something to change. Something new, or a new burst of inspiration to keep me excited about my life. I’m thinking that if I get on the exercise bandwagon seriously enough, that could be the thing I need. I’d like to have that great “ahhhh!” feeling of accomplishment after a workout, on a regular basis. I want to know I am spending that dedicated time on myself, on my health. It’s satisfying. I know it. I’ve had that feeling before, in the past. I think it’s just time to do it again. And not take it lightly.

Because when I work out a lot, I think better, sleep better, feel more creative and happy.

Also– I want to try to budget something even though I know I don’t have the money to do it, really. I want to hire a landscaper to come out, spray for weeds and clean up the yards a couple of times a year. I think I look out at my yards with disgust right now because there’s so much to do– especially in the ugly backyard. I hate not enjoying the yard. But I really can’t do a lot of the work that needs to be done. I can’t get all of the weeds out of the backyard by myself, and I can’t haul away the pile of junk that’s sitting there after we tore down the pergola. I’m not a strong guy. I’m a woman with a bad back and now, a bad right wrist (which makes raking and sweeping very painful, unfortunately). I could use the help. I’d appreciate the help. And so, I am very close to deciding to make this a priority in the next few weeks or so. I can’t count on that tax return, and I can’t keep holding everything off anymore. I need my home to feel comfortable and look neat. That definitely needs to include the yard. I shouldn’t be avoiding the backyard, the way I do now. I never go out there, never sit on the porch and read or anything like that. It’s a shame. So I have to fix it.

This was a boring post. I doubt I’m even going to re-read this piece of shit anytime soon. But who cares? It’s Friday, and I am just feeling grateful to NOT have that migraine anymore. I don’t feel like I am dead anymore. And not feeling dead is cause enough to blog!


4 responses »

  1. So glad your headache finally went away, I have been there way too many times myself, just last Sunday in fact. 😦

    I will keep nagging you about the gym if you’d like, I know when I was working out I always felt better and more energized and happier for some inexplicable reason.

  2. I had one myself that lasted a few days. I haven’t had one for a long time either and I am surprised I haven’t gotten one before now. I hate how they make me feel so incapacitated. There is truly nothing you can do but lay in a dark room and pray you won’t puke, fall over or die. And that is how you feel. It sucks huge donkey balls.

    I need to do something, anything that gets me out of this funk. I have a little bit more of a confusing situation so I am not sure how possible it is for me to find an outlet for myself. But I need to try because I am drowning.

  3. I hate that type of weather for the very same reason. Living in a humid climate means it happens way more often than I’m willing to tolerate.

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