So far, my Monday is a piece of shit.
I know things could be so much worse, and they have been worse, but it’s the little things that can just add up to personal misery. For me, the trouble started late last night/ early morning. I just couldn’t sleep. I felt OK, and I didn’t have any caffeine or sweets close to bedtime. My brain just kept churning around and thinking of the dumbest stuff. For example, I spent an inordinate amount of time remembering all of the details I could about my bedroom in my Mom’s condo in NJ. So I was just laying there, recalling where everything was and remembering the weird crap I hung on my walls, instead of going to sleep. I started crying because that room reminds me of my dog Sam, since he and I pretty much “lived” down there. I would let him out into the little backyard right from the backdoor in my room. He slept on a retired mattress pad from my bed, right up until the end. In fact, Hurley has now carried on this tradition. I replaced my mattress pad a few weeks back, and while the old one was lying on the floor, he just went over and sat on it. It definitely made me stop and think for a minute when he did that. I wonder what it is about dogs and mattress pads? Or maybe it’s just my dogs. I bet that if I’d replaced a mattress pad while living with Malcolm, he might have tried to claim it, too. Either way, it’s so strange to me that right now, I have another dog sleeping on a mattress pad next to my bed. Just like 15-17 years ago.
After that, I tried to make myself sleepy by reading a book. Unfortunately, it’s a fun book to read and I think it only made me wake up more. My TV in the bedroom is shot (again) so I couldn’t watch anything, and going out to the living room seemed like too much work, or something.
I fell asleep a little while after that anyway, but woke up again feeling hot and like my right leg was all achy. I ended up using the heating pad on my leg and sleeping outside the covers. But I just laid there again, thinking. This time I thought about the time my Mom had a blockage in one of the veins in her leg, and I became a hypochondriac, wondering if I was about to have a blockage shoot to my lungs and kill me or something (note: my Mom’s clot did not shoot anywhere; she had it stented through an angiogram and is fine). Then I thought about how I really should get a lockbox for my important documents, like the birth certificate, SS card and the new Living Will forms I just filled out last week. I’d need to give my sister the combination, or at least tell her where I kept it, since she’s named the executor of my “estate” in my will. So like a dumb ass, I was lying there, scaring myself silly about blood clots and fire-proof lockboxes instead of trying to get back to sleep.
Why does this happen? Why is insomnia so strange? At one point, I was finally drifting off to sleep (by now it was around 4am) and I thought I saw the black figure that haunts my room. And I did something I’ve never done before. I said to it, “I’m so hot. Come over here and sit on the bed so I can cool off.”
I’m 99% sure it was my imagination and my dreams that were probably already starting in that jumping-off-point between being awake and asleep, but I felt something sit down on the edge of the bed and a cool breeze wash over me. It was nice– not cold or chilly, just like a fan on the low setting. I fell asleep, finally, after that.
So, who else uses their house spirits as a fan? Anyone? Anyone?
I finally fell asleep at the most innopportune time: twenty minutes before the alarm clock went off. I remember seeing the clock at that time. When I woke up, I was pissed off and tired. Terrific. What a way to begin a new week.
My hair wouldn’t cooperate today, so I just gave up and twisted it up into a clip. I left the house later than I should have, so I was a little late to work today. There’s a troublesome headache on deck, growing little by little in that familiar way that is sure to completely ruin whatever decent mood I had if it goes full-blown. I really can’t remember what I was working on last Friday, and feel brain dead regarding my work for this week. I’m just in a very bleak mood and want nothing more than to curl up in a dark, warm place for the rest of the day and sleep, without any dreams or weird insomnia-thoughts.
Anyone else having a crappy start to the week? And like I said, I know my problems mean very little, really, and if this is the most I have to complain about, I’m lucky. Still, I do hope that it improves quickly and I can feel like I am alive again. Quick: someone send me something funny! It’s an emergency. (Well, I can take my own self over to Regretsy or Cracked if I need it so bad, so I will do that now. Fare thee well, blog. I will come back later, maybe.)