Confessional

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I’m having one of those over-thoughtful nights, and I hope that by writing I can get some of it off my chest and move on to something productive.

I don’t feel well today. I’ve got a raging headcold, and my defenses just feel shot to hell. I took a two hour nap this afternoon. I think I should have been doing something, anything, but nope. A nap it was. Ever since, I’ve been kind of comatose on the couch watching movies I’ve already seen a dozen times (Underworld, two Resident Evil movies and part of Fellowship of the Ring all on TNT) and looking blankly at my computer. Today’s a day where I don’t feel interested in anything at all, and that bugs me to no end. I feel like a complete waste of space when my brain’s functioning at such a low level.

At the moment, little snippets of thought are drifting here and there, but nothing’s sticking to the walls of my brain. Some of the stuff I’m thinking of: I need to change my eating habits because I don’t think I know how to eat right anymore. I mean, I know what I should eat, but I don’t do it. This makes me mad at myself.

I could have cleaned my house today, or taken down the outdoor lights. I didn’t.

I worry sometimes if I do enough with Hurley. He can seem so bored sometimes, on days like this when I’m sitting around like a schlub. Yesterday was OK, because I took him to a park near our house that we haven’t been to before, and we walked the whole thing. This park has a mini-amusement park for kids, including a carousel, a tiny Ferris wheel and a train; Hurley was kind of scared of the carousel when we walked past it. He kept averting his eyes and banging into my legs, trying to “hide” from it. Definitely amusing.

Tonight we went on our nightly walk and it was OK, but is it enough for him? I changed it up by taking a new route we haven’t done yet, so that was something. Still. I don’t want to be one of these pet owners who never spends quality time with their pets. I want their quality of life to be really great. I’m sure I’m thinking too much about this.

I’m also thinking way too much about my appearance. I feel so bloated, average and frumpy. I know I’m not dressing all that well these days, because I think I look so bad, I think I figure: why try? But then I think about how I’m getting older all the time and I’m not going to look any better with every passing day; I might as well make the most of what I do have now, rather than think back on it someday with regret. I already do that about my 20s. I wasted those with low self-esteem and low expectations… and four years into my 30s, I see I am still doing exactly the same thing. The only difference is that now I am much fatter than I ever was, and no one ever gives me a second glance anymore.

I might have written about this before, but it’s a sobering day when you realize that no one is checking you out anymore. I can walk every single night with Hurley, and countless cars will pass us, and no one pays us any attention. I know this, because when I was younger, I would walk my dog and every once in awhile someone would honk, or lean out the window and yell something lame like “wooo!” as they went by. I hated that stuff, I really did. But when you stop and realize that no one does it at all anymore, it’s so strange. I feel old.

It can’t just be my weight gain. I know some women who are heavier than I am, that look really great and seem so content in who they are. I’ve admired the radiance oozing from these kind of people for awhile now, but lately I’m taking little mental notes about what the specific traits are that they have, and I don’t. And to no one’s surprise, of course, I know what the big thing is: CONFIDENCE. They’re embracing their femininity, and their personalities, and having fun. Do I do this? No. I don’t.

I’m going back to counseling. I don’t know what my problem is, what’s stopping me all the time from just going over the threshold of happiness. Sometimes I’m so close. Now that it’s 2010, and I’m intent on making this a great year (at least, MUCH BETTER than 2009 was), I definitely need to stop wasting time and get to the heart of the problem. If I waste any more time, I’m just going to get older and go deeper and deeper into a life of mehhhh. I’ve wasted more than enough of my life as it is.

By the way: I haven’t written anything for my book. I had such plans to write this past week while I was off of work, and I DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT.

I couldn’t be more angry at myself for this. I’ve had time. I could have made time when there were moments I was doing nothing of importance. I didn’t. I have my reasons… and they’re all tied to lack of confidence in what I’m doing, damn it anyway. See what I mean? I have to believe in what I’m doing, who I am. I have to do this, in order to succeed in being me this year. Otherwise, it’ll just be another beige, milquetoast kind of year all over again.

This is just not an option.

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7 responses »

  1. Just remember not to take on too much at once. Try and make just one small change at a time. If you’re really inclined to focus on diet, you might check out Tosca Reno. Her “Eating Clean” book & program are the focus of one of the gyms I’m working at right now. Just try to buy more raw foods, and do more of your own cooking and food preparation, rather than purchasing the prepackaged, processed stuff. That right there will cut some really unhealthy things out of your diet, not to mention creating more space in your garbage/recycle bins. I have been doing this for years, without reading the books, simply because I’m not going to pay for something that I’m going to throw part of away. If it comes packaged excessively in paper, plastic or metal, forget it, unless it’s a necessity. You might also pick up Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma”. That book made me not want to eat for a week, and I don’t even eat most of the stuff discussed!

    Maybe a goal of drinking just one additional glass of water/day, or attempting to consume 5 fruits/vegetables a day is sufficient. Or try the oatmeal every morning for two weeks thing. Or do the Special K thing. Heck, why not just measure your cereal and only consume the recommended serving size. Or eat off a smaller plate. You have lots of options!

    Re: Hurley- a book I have on “childproofing” your dog states that your dog has to be well balanced & adjusted enough to settle for “just 10 minutes” of your time each day. That’s not a lot, but in a busy household it can be, and it’s sufficient where the dog is concerned. Also, don’t forget that even training sessions are kept brief. 5 minutes, max. So if you could just make a point to spend 5 extra minutes with him/day, that might make you feel better. It would definitely make him happy. Maybe find a new trick to teach him, or play a game of hide-and-seek, or wind down every evening before bed with a doggy massage.

    It’s also been pointed out that some people are so focused on draining their dog’s energy that they don’t realize what they are really doing is teaching him to be ramped up all the time. Dogs need to learn to have calm, quiet downtimes as well as active times, so don’t beat yourself up too badly.

    Do things to boost your self esteem like giving yourself a weekly pedicure: taking a few minutes to soak your feet, adding a splash of baby oil or a handful of bath salts to the water, pushing back your cuticles, exfoliating your feet (or just slathering on some rich lotion and then putting some cozy socks on while it soaks in) painting your toes a color that cheers you up or relaxes you so that every time you look down, you are reminded to take that moment and boost your mood.

  2. Wow, thanks, Jen! I copied this comment and saved it to my ‘puter so I don’t forget it. I will definitely look into Tosca Reno. I think because I’m only cooking for one person, it never feels worth the effort and mess. But I can do it. I should, and need to, do it. All these fast meals (I only cook pasta or make salads for myself) aren’t enough.

    Again, I appreciate you taking the time to share all of this with me. It’s so nice of you. Thanks again!

  3. You’re welcome! I’m happy it helped! Looks like I screwed up every single one of those handy codes I intended to use for italics & linking. Damn it. I like Tosca’s story “from frumpy, 40-year-old depressed housewife to…” well, you’ll just have to check it out! Motivational speaker among other things. She’s got a whole website (or two), plus a blog, plus updates on Facebook and Twitter- and NINE books!

    I hate cooking for one person, too, but when DH worked out-of-state I mostly ate cereal, yogurt with fruit, condensed soups (or made my own soups)… I mostly ate out of bowls. You could at least substitute whole grain pasta, that would be a positive, nutritious step. Adding a protein source to your salad, even if it’s canned tuna, salmon or chicken, or a handful of nuts is also a plus!

  4. I think about 3 or 4 years ago, I blogged about the same thing…about getting old. It sucks. I became invisible girl…big time! But, I would go to the gym and it was kind of nice…because I could stare at all the people and it was like I was actually invisible. Nobody noticed me…or noticed me staring. ha! In the last year or so though, it’s gotten better. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve accepted it, or if I’ve just fixed that part of me that was causing me to be invisible. Hmm.

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