Well, I blew it. I had every opportunity to call my doctor and get him to re-write my prescription so I could get it filled in time before I ran out of my 300mg pills (he’d given me a prescription for 150mg pills so we could bump my dosage up to 450mg; that way, I could use my then-current 300mg until they were gone… ), and I didn’t do it. I know I should have just filled the damn thing and gotten the stupid pills, rather than waiting and waiting until I had money again and then over-worrying about the insurance part of it. Yeah, yeah… woulda shoulda whatever.
Because now I have NO pills left. No 300mgs, no nothing. I took my last pill yesterday morning and knew that first thing today I’d have to call the doctor to get him to write a “new” prescription up so I could get it ASAP. I did call, and I left a long voicemail message explaining everything and asking them to please call me back. Unfortuantely, that was at 9am, and now it is 4:30 and no one has returned my call. I just called a few minutes ago and the receptionist said that my doctor has been swamped today and she will try her best to get him to do it before he leaves at 5pm. GOD, I hope he can do it. And that they can fax the prescription over to my pharmacy. And then I can go get the pills and chug one down as fast as I can BECAUSE
I am having the first of the dreaded withdrawl symptoms.
If you’ve ever been in antidepressants and then suddenly just STOPPED taking them, you might know what I’m talking about. I’ve only done this one time before in my life, and it was horrible. I got dizzy, confused, sleepy as hell, headachy and blurred vision. That’s how come I can recognize my slow decline this afternoon for what it probably is. I feel dizzy, and my head is starting to hurt. My vision’s fine and I might not have to deal with that very scary side effect if I’m lucky. But I feel really dumb right now because I wouldn’t have to deal with this and the resulting stress of wondering when the hell I can get my pills again if I’d been a little more on the ball with my own health.
I’m glad I stayed home today, in retrospect. Not only have I dealt with my stomach problem (too graphic and gross to get into right now) and the low grade fever that just won’t go away today, but now this. I’m glad I don’t have to try to drive home while dizzy. And angry.
I’ve got to get moving with the self-care thing, for real now. This is just the latest example of how I wait and put off the things I need to do for my own well-being. I’m sick to death of the way I think so little of myself these days. I allow myself to eat bad foods and even binge sometimes. I don’t push myself to do anything that will be good for me, like exercise. (I can’t believe that there was a time not very long ago where I craved exercise, and loved going for a hike, all of that… where did that go?) I don’t even color my frickin’ hair. It’s unnecessary and stupid that I don’t take better care of myself, when I have a lot going for me and a lot of blessings in my life. I don’t understand how it works and why it is so terribly hard to change. But this latest mess, this running-out-of-medication business, needs to be a sign for me to sit up and pay attention and TRY HARDER, DAMN IT. Otherwise the habits will set in deeper and be even harder to break and I could wind up a pathetic mess of a woman, all unkempt and overweight, with no social life or job. (I worry that this way of thinking is sabotaging my work, and without my work, I have no money, and without money I would lose the life I have, the house… AHHH! I have to stop thinking so far out like this.)
Keep this post private? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I need to shame myself into doing something by telling people what I do–and don’t do.