(Written Sunday night, 7/19) Ahh. It’s thundering quite a bit right now, and lightning keeps streaking the sky. No rain, of course. That’s par for the course anymore, as those prone to using that cliche often say. But at least it’s helped me feel a little bit better.
I had one of those days today. No, scratch that. It was one of those weekends. I was in a crappy mood all weekend long. I don’t normally get that way anymore, and I have to admit the depression has me just a little concerned. I don’t want to fall backwards in that area at all. Luckily, common sense reminds me that everyone–even those who aren’t prone to clinical depression–gets the blues once in awhile. Still, it does blow when it hits. It’s the same as when a stomach flu hits, or a migraine.
I know I’m down primarily because I miss S. I’m kind of ashamed of how much, in fact. I feel like such a wuss. He’s challenged me, and shaken up the status quo around here. I was really so content and used to just hanging out all alone, doing my thing. I was happy not having to deal with dating or any of the issues related to relationship crap. God knows I was. And then he comes out here, and the very thing I was afraid of happening kind of came to pass. I find myself CARING about HIM. And missing him. What the hell, man! I didn’t want this, I truly didn’t. But…damn. It’s happened, and so, I have to deal with it.
I’m also thinking a lot about Olive. On Friday I began to seriously consider having her live with someone else. I talked about it with my Mom, and she thought that would be a very good thing for her, and for me. It’s not just the constant urination problems. It’s the fact that she seems so stressed out being around Hurley and Simon. She doesn’t want anyone to give them attention. She constantly butts in, demands all the attention, and the other two just give in to it and slink away. I’ve begun to notice her trying to cover up all scents of Hurley. If he pees in a spot in the yard or on a walk, she runs right over and pees over it. She’s been sleeping on his dog bed, uncharacteristically. And weirdly, if he licks me on my arm, I notice she will push her way over so she can lick my arm in the same place. She pants and growls and seems basically uncomfortable.
I know there are probably a bunch of Cesar Milan things to try; books to read; videos and blogs to take a look at. But there is this unshakeable feeling deep down that she was never meant to be here in the first place. I know I was trying to find her another home before I decided to just keep her…she’s so damn cute and sweet!… and that was because she was so unexpected. I rescued her, technically; and one of the things they talk about in rescue is that you don’t (and shouldn’t) need to keep all the animals you find. You work to pinpoint the perfect home for the animal, and foster it in the meantime. I think I forgot about that, and pushed my instincts about her aside because I fell for her.
But my sister and Mom can both attest to the strange fact that she just doesn’t seem to fit in. I feel bad about it, I really do. I’m sure she can feel it. In fact, that very emotion coming out of me might be causing her to act the way she does. I don’t know for sure, of course. But knowing how attuned animals are to our emotions, I wouldn’t say it’s impossible by any stretch.
(Written today, Monday) I’m back at work now. An hour in, and I’m already wanting to just quit or something. I had lined up a profile article with Target and on Friday, they called because the corporate office wanted to back out of it. Today’s main task is finding another company to profile in practically no time at all, because the article should have been written already. Once more, I am late on something. Damn it. I just don’t want to do it. I want to run away. I know I can’t, but still. Wish I could.
I didn’t finish writing last night because I just had to go to bed. I was exhausted, and my head hurt. I also wanted to lie in bed and fall asleep to the sound of the thunder, which did end up bringing rain (yay!).
I’m so blah. I listened to comedy last night and watched funny stuff to try to cheer up, and it only marginally helped. I’m right back where I started. When I woke up this morning, I saw that both/ one of the dogs had pooped AND peed in the living room overnight. I guess that was the downside of putting them outside earlier than usual, and during a thunder and lightning storm. I saw them both squat, but they were in pretty quick last night. And again, it was earlier than we normally go to bed by about two hours. Still… why was this my payback, Universe? I just wanted to curl up and sleep. I wanted to wake up feeling a lot better. Instead I wasted a good half an hour on carpet detail. My Spotlifter is about to go at this point. It’s hardly got any suction left and there’s a crack in the waste reservoir. Gross.
After I cleaned the carpet I fell back on my bed and cried. Even though I shouldn’t have, I somehow fell asleep again.
I woke up a half an hour before I was supposed to be at work. Again, this wasn’t part of my plan. So I had to rush around to get dressed and get to work. I’d wanted to be in by 8 today, but it ended up being 8:35 when I finally walked in the door. (Not a big deal, since 8:30 is my normal starting time these days…today I just wanted to be early, is all.)
The dogs, by the way, know I am upset and BOTH of them acted guilty. My thoughts are that the poop was Hurley, since he has been constipated a little bit lately, and the pee was Olive. Although it was a huge spot this time, so maybe both of them went in the same spot. I put them back in the kitchen behind the baby gate again today. Oddly, they never seem to go on the floor in there. They’re great at holding it like they are supposed to when they’re in the kitchen.
I should also mention that this latest peeing/poop incident occured within one to three feet of the food dish. It worked for awhile to feed them in the spot where they are peeing, but apparently, not anymore. They seemed content to do their business right next to the dish last night.
I’ve got to train them to bark or wake me up if they have to go out. Because the other housebreaking things just aren’t working well enough.
I just feel exhausted by all of this, and more than a little angry. How and when did my entire living room become their bathroom? The layout of the house is such that I can’t close them off from the living room entirely because it’s right in the middle of everything; it’s more like a glorified hallway between the kitchen and the bathroom and bedrooms. I guess I can just keep them in the kitchen at all times. Only let them out when I can give them my full attention so if they start going I can catch them in the act and get them outside, where I can praise them for going potty like they are supposed to. Because clearly, if I let them have the run of the house while I sleep, this will happen. I’m so mad at myself because I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. And I was lazy and left them out last night anyway. I am a shitty dog owner. No consistency, and an unstable mind. Terrific combination there, jackass. I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this.
Having two is too much for me. Especially when one doesn’t completely fit in. So maybe I have to find her a better home. Someone who can give her undivided attention. She’d be great with an older person or couple with no other pets. She might even be…dare I say…happier with someone else. I don’t know. I’m so confused. I don’t want to “give up” on another dog. I feel like I gave up on Katie that time when we brought her back to the rescue when she wouldn’t stop fighting with Hailie. Yet, she did end up in a home that suited her better. So I know it works out sometimes.
Yuck. I’m hating this crap.
And now I have a meeting that will likely last an hour, and I will need to get out of that meeting on time because I need to do a phone interview for another article at that time. It’s another thing that got all screwed up today. I tried to call in to the conference call line at the time they gave me (8:45 AZ time) and no one ever picked up even though I sat there for about 10 minutes. A couple minutes ago, I got a call from one of the people I was to interview wondering why I didn’t call in. I guess they got their times mixed up and thought I was calling at 9:30 my time. Luckily, the lady was pretty understanding and apologized for messing up the time and agreed to try again this morning (after my meeting). Seriously though… today feels so, so, SO off it’s not even funny.