Out of sorts


I had a great time with S while he was here. It was strange to see him again, in a good way. We ended up makin’ out relatively quickly once we got back to my house the night he arrived. Well… maybe not that quickly. I was feeling on edge a little, not sure how to act or what he was thinking (or even what I was thinking; should I try to hold his hand or not, etc?) and tried to settle in. We watched a couple of Arrested Development episodes and had some popcorn. And then Olive decided it was a fabulous time to squat on the carpet in front of us and start peeing.

So that was fun. I was so embarassed and angry about it!

Once that was out of the way, we inched closer together and talked on the couch, like we were still in high school. It was cute. Finally, we kissed, and I’m telling you, it was such a bizarre thing because I completely remembered his taste. Now it’s better, because he’s no longer a smoker, but still… there is something there that’s just HIM, and I found myself reacting in an old, old way.

So yes, things were good in that department. No further discussion about this. You understand.

We explored the Phoenix area a little on Friday, and then Saturday we went up north to Jerome, Sedona and Flagstaff. Things got a little strange by the time we were in Flagstaff, mostly because he was hardly talking to me anymore. I found out he wasn’t feeling too hot– he had a headache. Dinner was a little strained, and then we just went back to the hotel and fell asleep in separate beds. I found myself kind of wishing he would go home early or something, because I felt like being alone again and not dealing with any drama at all with a guy. When he snapped at me because I accidentally startled him in the middle of the night, I started to cry and took it WAY too far in my head. I was snapped back into how I always felt when X would snap at me; how I felt so stupid, so foolish, and like the guy hated me for “screwing up.” I laid there for about an hour in the dark, torturing myself by letting this get to me. It was absurd that I was allowing myself to think this way even as I knew in another part of my brain that I was being ridiculous. Ugh. It was a crappy night.

Things got better up at the Grand Canyon. He was awed by it, of course. We walked for quite a long time on the rim trail, taking photos, talking and laughing. It was nice. I felt a lot better about things as the day went on. Even though we were getting out of the park much later than I’d planned, I think it was worth it. I was enjoying seeing him have such a great time, and didn’t want to rush him out of there when there really is so much to see. (We also saw the Tusayan ruins, and a huge buck elk eating at the side of the road, which caused tons of tourists to pull over to snap photos and, yes, get out of their cars to try to get close to it…SIGH…people are so retarded!!)

Monday was nice because we just stayed home in the air conditioning, watching TV and making a run to the grocery store. We had dinner with my sister and BIL that night, and went back to their place where we played Rock Band for a couple of hours. It was a lot of fun! I really got a kick out of seeing S interact with them, and how they really took to him. I knew my sister always liked him and that it wasn’t going to be weird at all, but it was awesome to see (and later hear about) BIL having fun with him. They couldn’t get over the difference between S and X. How S is more relaxed, fun, weird in a nerdy way, and more talkative than X ever was. It was even said later that they felt they knew more about who S is in only a few hours than they ever knew about X after a few YEARS of knowing him. Huh. That’s a pretty accurate statement, though. X was just beyond odd when it came to my family and friends.

On Tuesday, we decided to drive north again so we could visit Montezuma’s Castle and then, the Tuzigoot ruins. This was by far my favorite day for the two of us. We were now back to being comfortable around one another, and got into a kind of rhythm with our babbling and joking. He can be so silly, I love it. We had a blast just exploring all the ruins, and then making wisecracks about everything from the trees (yeah) to the tourists and their loud talking. It was so much fun. We took a million pictures and I introduced him to the fine culinary experience that is Sonic (he liked it a lot, in fact). Later at home, I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner…even though I’d never made meatballs before and had no recipe to work from. I remembered ingredients people have mentioned over the years and threw it all in there. He really liked it, and ate a lot. This made me quite happy. It would have sucked to make nasty, half-cooked meatballs for him. Or me, for that matter.

We watched the happiest film I have seen in, like, forever: Waltz with Bashir. It was an animated laugh-fest about the aftermath of the Lebanese war in 1982 and subsequent massacres that the Israeli army stood by and allowed to happen. Hilarious, heart-warming fun. And in case you didn’t pick up on my subtle sarcasm, yes…I am being sarcastic. Very. This movie was such a downer we just sat there staring at the screen when it was over, unsure of what to say. Finally, we laughed. Because what else are you gonna do when you’ve just spent an hour and a half watching the most downbeat film since maybe Requiem for a Dream? Laughing is your only sane option.

And then Wednesday came; the day he had to leave. We took our time getting up in the morning and went to lunch at a very good Mexican restaurant. It turned out he went crazy for the Mexican food out here. We had some up in Flagstaff on our way home on Sunday that was outstanding. Ironically, we only went there because it was called Casa Bonita and he loves South Park. We didn’t expect the food to be so good!

Then we drove out to see the Jobing.com arena, so he could see where the Coyotes play and where the 2008 Superbowl was held. For dinner, we met up with my Mom and sister and had pizza together. My Mom had a great time seeing him again, and was smiling a lot and it was just really cool to see all four of us talking like we were and having a great time over a meal. Again, totally different than how it was with X. But after dinner, it was time to drive him to the airport already. 😦

I’ll admit that I was crying. I tried not to, but I did anyway. I didn’t want him to leave because damn, who knows when I will really see him again? And it figures that we were only just starting to get totally comfortable around one another again right when it was time to end the vacation. He was really sweet and tried to make me not cry, and saying goodbye really was very hard. For both of us. He didn’t want to walk away and into the terminal. But he had to, and I had to finally drive home. I cried pretty much the entire way back, and then when I got to the house and it felt so empty again and I saw that he had forgotten his pistachios… and I saw the pillow that still had the imprint from his head as he slept… waaaah. Like a big baby, for cryin’ out loud. Sheesh.

But I have to say that I feel kind of out of sorts now. Yesterday was kind of hard, and I was missing him at random times throughout the day. I was thinking a lot about what I wanted, and what might happen now going forward. Would I want to start a long-distance relationship (LDR) of some kind with him? On one hand, it’s a little easier because we wouldn’t see each other much to get on one another’s nerves. But even a LDR requires some degree of work, of course. And commitment. I don’t know that I can feasibly do it yet. I feel so confused and unsure of myself all of the sudden.

I just don’t know what to think. I’m quite monogamous, and have a record of living with my boyfriends. What if we progressed as a couple, and he wanted to move out here? What would happen? I probably shouldn’t let him move in with me because the track record for me doing that has really sucked. But he’d probably need to move somewhere at first, and in-with-me is the logical solution. I worry about even that much.

I know I am putting a cart way before a horse here! I don’t have any idea what will happen down the road. But the way my mind works is to just think, think and then when I think I’m done thinking, go right ahead and think some more. I run all sorts of alternatives and possibilities through my head on a constant parade, cranking up the volume as I go until I am finally stressed, freaking out and feeling crazy at the crowded mess in my head. I do this with anything important. The house-buying thing has been the biggest example of this, recently. And now I am poised to let thoughts of S and the what-ifs move in and drive me nuts. Honestly, you’d think I’d know better by now. You’d think I would learn from the past, and even learn from this blog/diary and self-correct. Not so far.

But maybe I will be OK this time. Maybe I will actually do what I always intend to do, which is “just let it happen as it happens.” I’ll shut off the thoughts-valve when it comes to S, and just have fun and when we talk, we talk. When we see each other, we see each other. No sense trying to predict the future! Seriously… there is NO SENSE in doing that. It’s a waste of good mental energy.

Well, this post has taken me two days to write. I should just slap an ending on here and get back to work already. So, I will. Here in random order are other things going on, in list form:

* Still haven’t heard on the final closing date; it looks like it will be July 24. I need confirmation, though. Also– the closing costs have come in at much higher than was expected. Chalk it up to added fees associated with the FHA loan and the costs the renovations are adding. Son of a bitch!

* (singsong)Simon is getting neutered, Simon is getting neutered! This coming Tuesday. Poor little dude has no idea. I can’t wait much longer because he’s already at about 7 pounds and could start spraying soon. I can’t handle that on top of the problem that is Olive. So… here he goes! Snip snip, little baby. I do it because I love you.

* I’ve had more contact with X, and I am still mourning Hailie. I can’t get into it right now, but I have all of that on my mind too. That might require its own blog post soon.

* I need to get my car emissions tested so I can renew my registration– and the spay surgery, upcoming moving expenses, the higher electric bill because of the A/C use, and other car maintenance I have to do soon all weigh on me. This all comes when I have the closing coming up, with money being tight. Figures.

* I need a haircut. Can’t afford one, though. Not until August. Hurley also needs to go to the groomers. Again: must wait.

* I’m a little confused about how to get the things I really want in the house when I am working through this one contractor. For instance, last night my sister and I found a PERFECT bathroom vanity with integrated sink at the HomeGoods store, and I want it for the new place. But how do I do it? The renovation funds will be in an escrow account that will be distributed to the contractor. Maybe I have to call the contractor and find this stuff out, huh? Yeah, ya think?! (Sometimes I am so dense and don’t see the obvious answer until I write it out.)

* Not sure when I will see the new Harry Potter movie. I know I will, just…I don’t feel like I’m in a rush. Something about those kids bugs me. And the whole Potter universe is kind of meh for me anymore. I guess I’m over it. Does anyone else feel like that?

* I am going now to have lunch with my friend D. So that effectively ends this here blog post. Good day to you!


3 responses »

  1. I’m so glad to hear you had a good time with S. Sloooow down (not that you haven’t already figured that out) and let yourself enjoy … whatever. Que sera sera, and all that.

    Sorry, but I’m still giggling thinking about Olive’s little welcome “present.” Who are you I don’t know you oh HERE IS SOME PEE.

  2. My thoughts on this post- in chronological order:

    Woooooo! ( sounds like when the live studio audience does it on a sitcom)


    I hate it when men have headaches. Why do THEY get to be so nasty to us when they have one, like it’s some kind of excuse? I have NEVER copped to the “I have a headache” excuse for ANY reason.

    🙂 Meatballs are easy!

    There’s a movie that’s even more of a downer than Empire of the Sun?

    Oooh, Simon… look out!

    Aww, Hailie… *sniff*

  3. Glad you had a great time with S, but no need to stress over any sort of relationship or moving too quickly. Take things slow. He sounds like a great guy and will be willing to stay friends so I see no rush. It may help that he lives in another state too, so things don’t progress too quickly. 🙂

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