Tossing the Junk

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Whew, hey now! I like the sound of that headline! It sounds like something so deliciously dirty…scandalous, even! My, my.

All it refers to, really, is the fact that this morning before I left for work, I did a sweep of my kitchen and threw out all of the junk food. All the candy, any baked goods… gone. There’s still an unopened bag of Doritos, but I’m hanging on to them to bring to a party this weekend.

It felt so good to just do this. I’ve been meaning to do it for awhile, as I have felt powerless against my sugar addiction while grocery shopping…and this weird “I can’t help myself!” urge is scaring me. I know I have to do something about it, and so, I am. Tossing all the junk food was a great step.

A long time ago, I tried hypnosis to deal with my sweet tooth. The funny thing is, it did work for a little while. I remember not feeling those cravings, and how great it felt to be able to easily pass on buying a box of Nerds. It faded away, though… and I tried it again, and the second time did not work like the first time. Anyway, I was thinking about that hypnosis thing today after reading an article on Yahoo on the subject of hypnosis: Brain Scans Show How Hypnosis Can Paralyze a Limb. (This is kind of amazing stuff!) It really can work; it’s not just in our heads. Well, to be technical, it IS in our heads. But so many people, myself included (after my second failed session, anyway), view hypnosis as a kind of silly thing that only works because you want it to work, so you make it work. I figured the first time hypnosis worked on me because I was so anxious for it to work; and the second time it didn’t because I was thinking about it too much, hunting to see how it didn’t work. I’ve always felt that I went into it more as a skeptic the second time, and so I didn’t allow it to work. So I wrote it off. After all, I’m the kind of personality that wants instant results, and if I don’t see them consistently, I stop doing whatever that thing is.

I’m going off track. The thoughts of hypnosis, of eliminating and fighting all the temptations…all of this makes me want to sit down and make real changes in my behavior so I take better care of myself. I need to be actively aware as I eat. I need to think about why I am eating something, and not just eating mindlessly. I’ve been terrible about that since I’ve been on my own. It’s been way too easy to revert back to my old “reading while eating” habit, especially in the morning. I will sit with a magazine or book and eat my cereal, and find myself pouring more cereal into the bowl and eating because I’m not done reading yet. Seriously! I only just realized exactly what I am doing. I’ve always known I am distracted when I eat, and figured that was all it was… but no, I will keep eating because I somehow have reading and eating tied together in my mind. Like I can’t do one without doing the other. Especially at my dining room table.

So the new goal is to eat in a new location, with no reading material in front of me at all. I did it this morning and it wasn’t terrible. I still had to go and read a little bit, but I read after I was done eating.

And no more of this being helpless in the face of sugar. Oh, my GOD. If I took an inventory of the things I eat on a given day, it’s horrendous. It doesn’t seem too bad on the surface, because I love salads and veggies, but those aren’t enough to counter the other crap. There’s sugar in so much more than just my stupid candy or cookies. In the salad dressings I choose. In the iced tea I drink. In the yogurt. And of course, in the juices. I love OJ in the morning more than anything. Even if I get the “no sugar added” variety, it’s still got sugars in it and it’s still feeding my cravings for something sweet. I know it. OJ will be the toughest one to break if I determine I need to cut it out of my diet.

I’m going to take a close look at the 12 Steps; because I think in some ways it could be a guideline to helping myself work past my addiction to sugar. I do believe a lot of it is in my head. And I believe I can retrain my brain to think about food, especially sugar, in a different way. It’s going to take hard work that…sigh…I am a little worried about, because I’m thinking of my own personal track record with this stuff and know I am not always that great at sticking to things like this. I’ve done the low-sugar thing before, sometimes for a couple of months at a time. But it always ended. Maybe it will be different this time. Maybe it will stick.

Soooo… yeah. I am taking the first step and admitting I have a problem. Because I DO have a problem.

And now, it’s in the “doing soemthing about it” phase and I have no choice but to try. If I don’t I will just feel worse about myself and allow the spiral to continue. I am at my all-time heaviest weight, and have gained about 20 pounds over the past year. My clothes are tighter, my face looks worse in photos. I’ve had just about enough of feeling like this. It’s not just about physical appearance, though, at all: it’s about the way my body feels these days, lugging around the excess weight. My joints feel it more, I really think they do. I feel tired and want to nap all the time. The cellulite around my middle just bugs the crap out of me, with the way it pokes out above my waistband and brings a sense of heaviness to the center of my body. It feels gross. That’s it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m not getting any younger, and doing this injustice to my own body is certainly going to speed up the process of aging, that’s for sure!

I know a few of the bloggers are working on weight loss plans right now (or is it ALL of us?!), and it’s really just very inspiring and encouraging to read what you’re all doing, whether it’s on the blog or Facebook. Vegas Princess, I love reading about your bike rides and how they make you feel. Holly, you are just so HAPPY lately since beginning your own regime and I love it and feel inspired by it–I want to be happy with life, too! Naynay, you’re tackling tough exercise and the mindset of being heavy, and I can feel ya on both those counts. Fraulein, I know you’re out there too, attempting healthy changes and doing the (hilarious) workout videos… you bring humor into the challenge of fitness that I completely need right now, so keep it up! And Shades? Well, we all know Shades is a bona fide expert on fitness. I think I want to show you, Shades, what I can do, on some level. Not to be competitive or something like that; rather, to be closer to your equal in these matters. So you’ll be talking more to a kindred spirit, if that makes any sense. I just respect and admire your skills and say to myself, “Hey, I want to be a little more like that!

So, I guess what I am saying is, thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s not easy to go out there and write about this stuff, since it’s highly personal. I know I, for one, have lots of shame involved in there. But anyway, I just like knowing you’re there, you’re doing it, you are achieving results. I want to join your ranks now.

Let’s do it!

(Ugh. I want to kick me for sounding like such a cheerleader on that last sentence. But that’s another thing: I need to stop doing that thing where I pull back from being positive about myself and my endeavors. I tend to roll my eyes, get sarcastic, all of that…rather than just go ahead and embrace the cheerleader in me.)

Thanks for reading my diary. Heh. 🙂

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3 responses »

  1. LOL!

    Nice work! Bring it on! I’m happy to hear about whatever you want to blog, bitch or brag about! Being ready/willing to change is half the battle!

  2. Yay, join the ranks! I wish we all lived closer, so we could encourage each other in person! The other women in my office go to the gym together without me because a) they never asked me to go (Betches.) and b) they’re all thin and (I guess) trying to maintain their weight, whereas I’m trying to “toss my junk” (that really does sound like a euphemism for something naughty — hee!). We’re on totally different pages, and I’d just end up feeling worse about myself if I tried to keep up with them.

    I wish you — all of you, my friendternets — the best of luck in your weight-loss endeavors. And I think when it comes to something as tough as this, we need all the positivity we can get. (And you know how much I love clinging to my world-weary cynicism, so that should tell you something.) LET’S DO IT!

  3. Woo-hoo! It’s the bloggers united against weight!! We can all do this by supporting each other and being cheerleaders for our struggles. I think we should set a goal. Like maybe in a year we all get together and show off our new thinner selves. How cool would that be?

    Congrats on taking steps. It’s hard, I should know since I have been doing it too. But it is important and I am so proud of you for doing it!

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