Fear of … lots of things, actually.

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Not much has happened since the other day when they took our Facebook, making us all revert back to the Stone Age (at least that’s how it feels). I’ve just been working on my writing, both fiction and work-related, and keeping pretty much to myself. Well, I did go to my sister’s place the other night to watch LOST and have some dinner, but that’s about it.

I thought that I would write a post that lists some of my fears. Why? Because some of them are kind of weird, and I can’t think of anything else that could be interesting to write about today! And I want to write! I feel like doing some blabwritery.

I made that word up.

And I don’t think it’s witty, no. It’s kind of dumb, actually!

OK, here are my fears:

Fear of fish: I get all squirmy and sick when I look too long at fish. And I can’t take being near real ones, live OR dead. That means that I avoid the seafood section at the grocery store, and you won’t find me in a seafood or sushi restaurant any time soon. In fact, if you DID see me in one of those places, you should call 911, because it likely means I have suffered some sort of cerebral hemorrhage or something and I’m minutes from death. Only a massive change in my brain chemistry would ever allow me to spend a decent amount of time around fish.

However, there have been exceptions. I have been able to make it through aquariums without screaming or crying (loudly, anyway). It’s not easy at all! I hate being in a building surrounded by fish. Those tanks could break at like, any second. Water and floppy fish everywhere! OK, as I typed that, bile rose in my throat, because just the phrase “floppy fish” kills me. Ugh.

I’ve managed to eat like a civilized person in a Chinese restaurant with a fish tank in the lobby. Again, it is hard. But I need to put on a brave face. Besides, there are certain people I’d never want to arm with this sort of information that could be used against me. Not the Chinese, per se. It could be anyone. You never know who will be a sworn, blood enemy someday. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Fear of being shot: For awhile, when I was in middle and high school, I had an irrational fear that I was going to be shot while I was out riding my bike or walking home from school. I seriously believed that some crazed killer was going to be driving around, randomly shooting at young girls. I even believed that it was possible that I’d be shot and NOT KNOW IT. I read too many National Enquirer stories as a kid about people that walked around with a bullet in their brain for 10 years and didn’t know it until a dental X-ray showed it; I thought I’d think I was hit by a stray rock or pebble but in fact it would be a bullet and it would slowly kill me over the course of a couple of years. I really thought this out.

I used to brace myself when a car was driving up behind me, and say the Our Father prayer because I was convinced I was about to be killed. Luckily, I outgrew this. UNTIL… the Phoenix Serial Shooters entered the scene back in 2005-2006.

My nightmare was horribly true. Two guys were driving around my city, shooting people at random. Since several shootings occurred within 5-10 miles of  my home, I didn’t dare go out to walk the dogs or anything until the guys who are accused of doing it were arrested. (And of COURSE they did it…there hasn’t been a single random shooting with that pattern ever since. Those dickheads need to rot in jail.) So yes, when an irrational fear from your childhood suddenly becomes a RATIONAL fear? That’s some weird shit.

Fear of Surprise Farts: OK, OK, I am scared that I will fart by accident when people are around to witness it. It sounds funny, but I worry about it! It’s because in the past couple of years, once in a great while a surprise fart will slip out when I am laughing really hard. It’s always happened when I am hanging out with my sister…so far. At least with her it’s funny. And I always own up to it; I never want to pretend I didn’t fart when I clearly did. But seriously, what the hell am I going to do when I have a surprise fart sneak up on me when I am at work? Out with friends? Speaking in a meeting? Serving jury duty? Oh man, this definitely worries me more than it should.

I’ve been trying to cut back on gassy foods, when I can, and I did invest in a bottle of Bean-O. So far, I have cheated fate and been lucky enough to only surprise-fart in “safe” locations. Still… the possibility is out there. It could happen, and I could be shamed forever. Because who wants to just stand there and FART when you shouldn’t be farting?! Nobody. Unless you are a dude and you’re trying to impress your friends with your farts. Then, it’s awesome. I’m sure. (The only consolation I have is that so far, when the surprise farts occur, they are odorless. Whew. Thank God for small mercies!)

Fear of waking up during surgery: I’ve had way too many nightmares about this, my entire life, even though I have only had real surgery one time. I’ve also got a fear of being gutted while I am still alive. You know that scene in Braveheart? Ohhhhh nooooo. I can’t watch it. I can’t. You do know that they are yanking his intestines out of his body with a big hook, right?! AHHH! SRSLY, English dudes. Not cool. Thanks to that movie, my nightmares began to involve my intestines. It used to be brain surgery, or eye surgery, that I would wake up in the middle of. Now I get to wake up in the middle of people taking out my liver and shit. I hate these nightmares so much I could scream! I’d pay money to have this particular recurring nightmare erased from the repertoire. Yuck.

Anyway, the freaky part of this is that I think I might have actually awakened during my surgery. I think this because I have a very strange memory of waking up, all bleary eyed and confused, seeing people around me and hearing them say “go back to sleep”…and feeling intense, searing pain in my abdomen, which was where they were operating. Most likely, this was just when I woke up in recovery after it was over, and before painkillers kicked in. But I don’t have any definitive proof that THAT’s what it was, so I continue to live in fear. I pray I’ll never need surgery again. Not just because surgery sucks. But because I can’t take any more details to be added to that nightmare.

Fear of mutants: Why do I fear this? Um, The Hills Have Eyes. That’s all I have to say… I really cannot take that movie. I saw most of the original, too, and it was just as bad. Just, NO on the mutated cannibal people. Please, universe. No.

Now, as for X-Men mutants? They’re absolutely OK. In fact, I’d like to have a few on my side should the cannibal mutants attack. Forget zombies. It’s the cannibal mutants we need to be on alert for! Mark my words! Help me, Wolverine and Xavier!!

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15 responses »

  1. I have two of the same fears-of being shot and waking up during surgery. It’s why I never got my molars removed even though several dentists have told me I should. It’s also why I hope that I never have to have surgery on any body part. Seriously, I almost rather live with the pain.

    That is so freaky with your fear becoming reality. Mine has always been a “wrong place, wrong time” type of fear. And I, too, hope they rot.

  2. That fart photo is great! We have lots of surprise farts in yoga/Pilates class. Not by me, but it happens. My yoga teacher in college would always acknowledge these with a lecture on how it’s ok, yoga encourages such things, because holding them in totally goes against purpose… I just pretend I didn’t hear it.

    What I don’t like, though, is how if I’m laughing really hard, I end up exhaling hard enough to “cough”… it really sounds like I’m braying like a donkey. I did it in front of my boss once. It was awful.

    When I was a kid, I had a nightmare about being kidnapped and thrown in the trunk of a car by a man with blond, curly hair… kind of like Willie Aames. Sometimes I am still surprised by the irrational fear of “kidnappers”. They are all blond w/ curly hair.

  3. I like that fart photo as well. I am scared of surprise farts as well. Luckily I have been talented enough to hold them in quite well. I have sphincter muscles of STEEL. he he

    Oh my gosh, L. Do you remember that story I told about two years ago about the fish getting killed by another fish in the tank while Nestor and I were at the sushi restaurant? If not, I can blog about it again or tell it on here. It was horrific! But I think, well I hope, you’d be okay to hear it. I had to witness it and it was so nasty.

    This wasn’t a dumb post by any means. I love random L posts.

  4. I have a fear of birds. After being attacked by them three times I think this fear is totally rational.

    I also fear my house burning down. If I am away overnight I will always call my answering machine because my reasoning is, if the house has burned down the answering machine will not pick up.

    I also fear anethesia. I am so afraid of NOT waking up. Which I guess is the reverse of your surgury fear.

    About Braveheart, I was always upset about that movie because after all the blood and gore in that film the two things they don’t show is his wife getting her throat slashed and what they to do him at the end. I always felt gypped. Not that I particularly wanted to see mel Gibson gutted, but it seemed odd to me.

  5. I am sorry that you are going to get excited thinking that all of these people commented and then you find out it is just your turd friend from NJ having ADD and not remembering to comment correctly. I wrote on Facebook but didn’t write it here that I am afraid of my house burning down (like VP) robots and cockroaches. I never really thought about waking up during surgery but come to think of it, that is pretty scary!

    Okay, that is it. I will not speak again unless I am spoken to.

  6. I have had two procedures done thus far, and I have woken up during both of them. It’s pretty awesome (not awesome)–luckily, for the one that involved cutting (wisdom teeth), there will enough nitrous going on that I didn’t feel anything and was still pretty loopy. I guess I metabolize things ultra fast, so from now on, this will definitely be something I bring up with the anesthesologist.

    Mmmm, talking about surgeries on Valentine’s Day (Happy ValentiMe’s DAY!): two great tastes in one! Better than a Twix!

  7. Aw, DAY shouldn’t have been capitalized. Who emphasizes the day bit? Now I just look retartar. And my feet are stinky, so you can tell I’m in a good way this morn.

  8. Wow, there’s a lot of stuff here from you guys. And I am so lazy I don’t think I can do the neat separate comment thing for each of ya, so lets’ just say that Shades, if I see Willie Aames anywhere I promise I will attack with fury and take him OUT so he can’t kidnap you. PROMISE. Although if you do get kidnapped, try to do that loud donkey bray and people might hear you through the trunk and rescue you. Have faith in the bray!

    Naynay, no offense, but I don’t know if I do want to hear that fish vs. fish story. I saw something similar one time and couldn’t sleep that night. Serious. I am actually putting a scene that’s inspired by that one time in my book, and just writing it makes me almost dry heave. (Wow, my writing MUST be good if it makes me puke just doing it!!! Hooo wah!)

    Robots, huh? Hmm. I guess you’ve been taking that Flight of the Conchords stuff a little seriously. Don’t worry… it’s a fake song!! The humans are NOT all dead! Unless… I am a robot just telling you that. Oh noes!

    I am scared of my house burning down, too, but I don’t have an answering machine to call to check. This blows. I wonder if I should give my cell # to a neighbor or two so they can call to tell me if the shit goes down while I’m out. I have to save the pups! And my computer! It’s terrifying to think of losing the dogs. 😦

    I think Braveheart is a clever movie b/c they don’t show those two bloody things… they just show the victim’s faces as it’s happening. That is GRUESOME to do. That way, the viewer imagines it being so much worse since they can’t see it. Holy crap… those scenes both disturb me very deeply. VP, I think the opposite of a good time with you would be watching Braveheart. So let’s make sure we skip it. Let’s go drink, hike or scream obscenities at random… fun stuff…when we get together one of these days. 🙂

    Lengli, WHAT?! You woke up during oral surgery?!!! Nooooooo way. That’s horrifying, even if you couldn’t feel the pain really. Eeep. I want to cry. You poor thing. At least you’re right about the surgeries & VD thing: they go together like chocolate and a thin candy shell. Perfect. And of course, now I want Twix and M&Ms.

    I absolutely love calling it Valentimes. I bet that in 1,000 years, that will be its official name. (Think Idiocracy-type evolution.) I want to ask why your feet are stinky, but I won’t. I bet you were doing something quite interesting. I think not-knowing is that much better… kind of like not seeing the bloodiness in Braveheart.

    HAPPY VALENTIMES day, EVERYONE! Hope you have fun doing whatever with whomever and for whatever price. Make him wear a dickjacket though. BYE! 🙂

  9. ValentiMes, gah! See, it’s funny because you guys are doing it on purpose but when people are just wrong and say it I want to hit them. I think all of your fears are quite rational, really, in that they probably won’t happen but they COULD. Somehow. Maybe. And that’s good enough for me.

  10. I asked you first because I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hear the story so no offense taken. I totally understand. You’re smart.

    And holy shit, you called a condom a “dick jacket”. That is some funny stuff.

  11. 1, Fish: I get a bit freaked out by the idea of swimming in water that could be occupied by fish. I enjoy pools, but you would be hard pressed to get me into a lake or ocean without water slippers and a mild anxiety attack accompanying it.

    2. Serial Shooters: I was in the Scotsdale/Phoenix area when this was going on. Scary stuff. We were visiting some friends and had hoped to meet you but was suffering from awful morning sickness at the time. The pregnancy hadn’t been announced publicly to many people yet and timing to meet just wasn’t right. That still bothers me.

    3. I accidentally farted in my Science class in seventh grade while we were in the middle of taking a test. Possibly the worst type of surprise fart—one that happens in a completely silent room full of 12 & 13 year olds.

    4. EYE SURGERY! AHHHH!!!!! Anything that has to do with the eye becoming impaired FREAKS me out. I’m cringing just typing this. Yikes.

    5. For some reason I pictured you as a Southern Belle saying that last line. 🙂

  12. Lisa:
    Boy I’m late on this one! I totally get your fear of surprise farts. Fish? Wow! Your writing seems to be informed in large part by some of these fears (mutants? fish?) so maybe you can see them as a good thing. Except for the fear of farts, of course. no one needs that.

  13. I read on the news that there was this guy, and he was at an aquarium, and there were some gangs there (looking at fish, of course) and they started shooting. Well, one stray bullet hit one of the tanks, and another stray bullet hit some innocent dude who was looking at fish. He was knocked to the ground amidst the wriggling fish, and then subsequently he was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery! If getting shot and lying with fish wasn’t bad enough, they screwed up the anesthesia and we woke up in the middle. I know what you’re thinking now, you’re thinking “let me guess, right after waking up he lets out a surprise fart.” Well, if you were thinking that, you obviously didn’t read the news story, because, while he did pass significant gas on the operating table, he later admitted that it was no mistake. True story.

  14. Oh, my goodness. I’m glad I’m not the only one with my fears. I’ve met a few people now who are skeeved out by fish, so I don’t feel so alone anymore. Well, my sister is almost as freaked out by fish as I am… and since she’s marrying into a mostly-Phillipino family, she’ll likely be attending quite a few more meals with steamed-whole-fish on the table, so she has it worse than I do, I guess. Poor kid.

    It’s been so many days since ValenTIMES, Fraulein! Can you believe I am only getting to these replies today??

    Pixie- you farted in a class as a teenager? That’s awful! My condolences to you. I don’t know how you turned out so normal after something like that. I’d be a broken, probably-homeless person by now if it had happened to me. And feel free to picture me as a Southern belle anytime, if it makes you happy. These days, we gotta take our happy where we can get it!

    Lisa, it’s totally true that my fears show up ALL the time in my writing. I love writing about things that make me uncomfortable. I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess… but a counselor told me once this is a very healthy way to work through issues, by throwing some of them into my fiction. That’s cool. Now let’s see me finish that first draft and get moving on publishing my fear-laden fiction, right?!

    And finally, Paul. My God. That poor fellow. I think I recall seeing something on the news about that. Wasn’t there a big controversy about the surprise/planned flatulence? I thought that Larry King interviewed the guy once and couldn’t get a straight answer. Oh, well. Either way, thanks for reminding me of the true news.

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