Not much has happened since the other day when they took our Facebook, making us all revert back to the Stone Age (at least that’s how it feels). I’ve just been working on my writing, both fiction and work-related, and keeping pretty much to myself. Well, I did go to my sister’s place the other night to watch LOST and have some dinner, but that’s about it.
I thought that I would write a post that lists some of my fears. Why? Because some of them are kind of weird, and I can’t think of anything else that could be interesting to write about today! And I want to write! I feel like doing some blabwritery.
I made that word up.
And I don’t think it’s witty, no. It’s kind of dumb, actually!
OK, here are my fears:
Fear of fish: I get all squirmy and sick when I look too long at fish. And I can’t take being near real ones, live OR dead. That means that I avoid the seafood section at the grocery store, and you won’t find me in a seafood or sushi restaurant any time soon. In fact, if you DID see me in one of those places, you should call 911, because it likely means I have suffered some sort of cerebral hemorrhage or something and I’m minutes from death. Only a massive change in my brain chemistry would ever allow me to spend a decent amount of time around fish.
However, there have been exceptions. I have been able to make it through aquariums without screaming or crying (loudly, anyway). It’s not easy at all! I hate being in a building surrounded by fish. Those tanks could break at like, any second. Water and floppy fish everywhere! OK, as I typed that, bile rose in my throat, because just the phrase “floppy fish” kills me. Ugh.
I’ve managed to eat like a civilized person in a Chinese restaurant with a fish tank in the lobby. Again, it is hard. But I need to put on a brave face. Besides, there are certain people I’d never want to arm with this sort of information that could be used against me. Not the Chinese, per se. It could be anyone. You never know who will be a sworn, blood enemy someday. Keep your cards close to your chest.
Fear of being shot: For awhile, when I was in middle and high school, I had an irrational fear that I was going to be shot while I was out riding my bike or walking home from school. I seriously believed that some crazed killer was going to be driving around, randomly shooting at young girls. I even believed that it was possible that I’d be shot and NOT KNOW IT. I read too many National Enquirer stories as a kid about people that walked around with a bullet in their brain for 10 years and didn’t know it until a dental X-ray showed it; I thought I’d think I was hit by a stray rock or pebble but in fact it would be a bullet and it would slowly kill me over the course of a couple of years. I really thought this out.
I used to brace myself when a car was driving up behind me, and say the Our Father prayer because I was convinced I was about to be killed. Luckily, I outgrew this. UNTIL… the Phoenix Serial Shooters entered the scene back in 2005-2006.
My nightmare was horribly true. Two guys were driving around my city, shooting people at random. Since several shootings occurred within 5-10 miles of my home, I didn’t dare go out to walk the dogs or anything until the guys who are accused of doing it were arrested. (And of COURSE they did it…there hasn’t been a single random shooting with that pattern ever since. Those dickheads need to rot in jail.) So yes, when an irrational fear from your childhood suddenly becomes a RATIONAL fear? That’s some weird shit.
Fear of Surprise Farts: OK, OK, I am scared that I will fart by accident when people are around to witness it. It sounds funny, but I worry about it! It’s because in the past couple of years, once in a great while a surprise fart will slip out when I am laughing really hard. It’s always happened when I am hanging out with my sister…so far. At least with her it’s funny. And I always own up to it; I never want to pretend I didn’t fart when I clearly did. But seriously, what the hell am I going to do when I have a surprise fart sneak up on me when I am at work? Out with friends? Speaking in a meeting? Serving jury duty? Oh man, this definitely worries me more than it should.
I’ve been trying to cut back on gassy foods, when I can, and I did invest in a bottle of Bean-O. So far, I have cheated fate and been lucky enough to only surprise-fart in “safe” locations. Still… the possibility is out there. It could happen, and I could be shamed forever. Because who wants to just stand there and FART when you shouldn’t be farting?! Nobody. Unless you are a dude and you’re trying to impress your friends with your farts. Then, it’s awesome. I’m sure. (The only consolation I have is that so far, when the surprise farts occur, they are odorless. Whew. Thank God for small mercies!)
Fear of waking up during surgery: I’ve had way too many nightmares about this, my entire life, even though I have only had real surgery one time. I’ve also got a fear of being gutted while I am still alive. You know that scene in Braveheart? Ohhhhh nooooo. I can’t watch it. I can’t. You do know that they are yanking his intestines out of his body with a big hook, right?! AHHH! SRSLY, English dudes. Not cool. Thanks to that movie, my nightmares began to involve my intestines. It used to be brain surgery, or eye surgery, that I would wake up in the middle of. Now I get to wake up in the middle of people taking out my liver and shit. I hate these nightmares so much I could scream! I’d pay money to have this particular recurring nightmare erased from the repertoire. Yuck.
Anyway, the freaky part of this is that I think I might have actually awakened during my surgery. I think this because I have a very strange memory of waking up, all bleary eyed and confused, seeing people around me and hearing them say “go back to sleep”…and feeling intense, searing pain in my abdomen, which was where they were operating. Most likely, this was just when I woke up in recovery after it was over, and before painkillers kicked in. But I don’t have any definitive proof that THAT’s what it was, so I continue to live in fear. I pray I’ll never need surgery again. Not just because surgery sucks. But because I can’t take any more details to be added to that nightmare.
Fear of mutants: Why do I fear this? Um, The Hills Have Eyes. That’s all I have to say… I really cannot take that movie. I saw most of the original, too, and it was just as bad. Just, NO on the mutated cannibal people. Please, universe. No.
Now, as for X-Men mutants? They’re absolutely OK. In fact, I’d like to have a few on my side should the cannibal mutants attack. Forget zombies. It’s the cannibal mutants we need to be on alert for! Mark my words! Help me, Wolverine and Xavier!!