Speak slower, you jackass.

Standard

Before I retire for the eve, I wanted to share this awesomely bad slip of the tongue that my sister and I enjoyed on Friday night. I was hanging out at her place, being silly and trying to pet the cats. They’re such cute cats. So there I was, crouched on the floor as the little one ran by. I caught her and started petting her, loudly announcing:

“Ah HA! You’re the first to wander into my snatch!!”

**

What happens is, the brain mixes up “catch” and “snare” and well, those two words combined make “snatch.”

At least that’s my explanation. Otherwise, I am just your garden variety sick bastard.

It reminds me of my most famous slip of the tongue. I was hanging out with my sister and her fiance a few years ago, and we were pretending to do pop-lock dancing. I did some dorky moves, and then announced as I moved backwards towards the door:

“Hey, watch me cock-block outta here!”

We still say that, all the time. I’m proud of being the creator of that one. Will the snatch comment live up to my first creation? Only time will tell, my friends.

These people are doing something truly remarkable: I think they are pop locking AND cock blocking at the same time. (“Terry the Tiger does the Spider” is my favorite; if that ain’t cock something-or-other, I don’t know what is!)

Advertisements

9 responses »

  1. ROTFLMAO!

    My two “claims to fame” are pointing out a can of SPAM in the grocery store and yelling “Look, Mom! SPERM!”

    and

    Talking to a friend on the phone. Trying to say “The second time”.
    It kept coming out “The sex…. the nekkid…”

  2. Y’all are awesome. The only thing I have that comes close is the time I was trying to greet my friend’s mom like I was Kermit the Frog (as you do), and it came out sounding like I was calling her a ho. Good times.

  3. Oh, I’m so sad that I don’t have any good slip o’ the tongue moments like this. Do they count if you say them on purpose? Cos in that case, I can probably come up with some crazy shiz.

    PS: I want to be part of that breakdancing couple. Not just for Halloween, but for LIFE.

  4. Lisa:
    Thats way funnier than if you had tried to say “catch”and “lair” which would have come out “latch” Yes, snatch is way funnier!

    I always say “HIlo” when I see someone and can’t decide on “hi” or “hello.” Sucks.

  5. LOL! The best I can do is I was telling my mother how someone called me an asshole, but my mother hates (and I mean HATES) all types of cursing so I was just going to say “bleep hole.” Instead I said “ass bleep.” Yeah, not fun.

  6. This is the best thing I could possibly look at in a clandestine fashion at work! Thanks, Lisa! I mean, snatch, cock-blocking, lengli pulling shorts on over her sweatpants FOR LIFE!

    Also, if this evolves into an “accidentally cursing in front of the parents” thread, I’ve got two tales (one’s mine, one’s borrowed)…

  7. That is pretty funny. I wish it would’ve been in public though. Now that would’ve been a classic. I would try the snatch one though especially with the cats. Try and freak them out a little.

    My best slip of the tongue moment was when I was in Sears in 2000 and my ex and I were looking for a new comforter. So I went up to an employee and asked her, “Excuse me, where is the bedding sex. Uh, I mean section?” And she responded, “Heh, what’s on your mind?” It was awesome. Bed… Sex….. how can I not think of the two together? 🙂

  8. I do this ALL THE TIME. It’s like my brian is not attached to my mouth. If I can’t think of the word, I say the completely wrong one and it usually is inappropriate, unfortunately. Like the time I said to a co-worker “Wow, I never met anyone who actually uses ballsac root” Was supposed to be balsum. Or when I told my husband that I couldn’t crotch anymore in that position while helping him change his brake pads. He laughed so hard he sprayed oil all over himself. I have a whole slew of these slips of the tongue.

  9. Hee hee! And you just typed “it’s like my BRIAN is not attached to my mouth.” Didja do that on purpose for the joke? Because WHEW, it’s a good one. (Because, of course your Brian is attached to your mouth.)

    Crotching in position is very, very difficult. Hell yeah.

    Look at me- I’m a jerk– I only replied to you, VP! Well, it’s nothing personal, everyone else. You all cracked me up too, it’s just that it’s late right now and I’m so damn lazy I can’t possibly go through each one and reply. Hillo, all you Sperms who live in the bedding sex of Sears. I DO want to be part of that couple, for life, as well. Now goodnight, ass bleeps.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s