Health and Wealth can kiss my ass


When I worked for the nutritional supplement company, I had to write copy for brochures and websites about how awesome our products were, and it was incredibly boring. And soul-sucking. Because the longer you work for a nutritional supplement company, you start to realize how very snake-oil-salesman-y it really is… I felt like I was lying to people when I told them how they “could see an improvement in your energy levels in just a few short days!” and “feel and look your best by drinking just 8 ounces of our ground-breaking new formula…BLAH BLAH BLAH” and all the other bullshit ad nauseum. The stuff isn’t tested before it’s marketed, and a handful of products failed miserably in the time I worked there.

Anyway, I don’t miss that writing at all. I always think about it, though, when I hear people use “health” and “wealth” together… and I get all irritated because I really HATE combining health and wealth.

At the shitastic job, I had been hired to write copy for the sales side of the business– the “business affiliates”, AKA “the poor jackasses who bought into a pyramid scheme”, were my target audience– and had to talk about how, by buying into our business, one could achieve wealth AND health (by enjoying our fine products). I had to try to make it sound like a noble cause. That making money off of people who buy supplements was somehow different than making money off of people who buy Amway crap or something. (“Think of the rewards you’ll enjoy; knowing you are helping others achieve health and wellness goals!”) It was TERRIBLE.

I was just telling my sister the other day about how I felt like the writing I did for that job was me being a complete sell-out. I was writing stuff I was personally and morally ashamed of…all for a paycheck. I never wanted to tell anyone where I worked. And I certainly didn’t want to share any writing clips from that job as I searched for another job. I felt like having my name on such total crap was going to come back to haunt me in a total inability to get hired ANYWHERE else as a writer.

I think it did, for a long time. After all, I started looking for a new job within two weeks of working there. It took me just under THREE years to get out of there! I really do think that having that company on my resume, or including any clips from that job, seriously hurt my chances in a town where it’s next to impossible to find decent writing jobs.

I don’t have a big point to this post or anything. I just felt like bitching about that stupid job. Perhaps I’m doing it in an effort to not feel so awful about having to go back to work tomorrow; as in, “well, at least my job NOW isn’t THAT horrible job, so I have that going for me!” Or I could be writing it because I just overheard a GNC commercial in the other room that mentioned the reprehensible “health and wealth” rhyme and it made me grit my teeth in disgust.

Even worse? There’s a big “Health and Wealth Raffle” twice a year here in Arizona. It’s meant to raise money for some hospital or something; but they advertise it like you wouldn’t believe and people buy tons of tickets for their chance to win a dream home, a dream car, a dream vacation, a dream golf cart (seriously, they always seem to be giving away about 400 golf carts every year; it’s weird) or a dream clock radio. The prizes vary and there are “HUNDREDS!” of prizes. At one point they said everyone entering had a 1 in 11 chance of winning something. You look it up, and it’s a legit raffle; not a scheme or anything. Pretty cool, huh?


Tickets cost about $100 a PIECE and people are encouraged to buy them in packs of 2 to 5 tickets. Yikes. And remember, it’s marketed everywhere, to everyone, so they are not just going after the wealthy people who go to $400-a-plate charity dinners and things like that. Nope, they’re asking ordinary working class people to fork over hundreds of dollars for a chance to win a golf cart or clock radio. So that’s the first thing I hate about it.

And the second thing is just that name. Health and Wealth Raffle. There it is! I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT. Don’t even say it out loud to me, if you see me. I might turn nasty. I’m not joking. The phrase just puts me in a bad mood somehow. I hate that those two words rhyme… they shouldn’t rhyme like that because marketing and ad people LOOOOOOOooooove that shit and use it all the time, predictably and poorly.

Kind of like “Surf N’ Turf.”

That’s another rhyme I totally hate.  And not just because the “surf” part of the meal always taints the “turf” part because surf juices run everywhere and they’re smelly and–

You know what? I’m gonna shut up now. I realize I should be doing something worthwhile, rather than spewing about rhymes I hate. I could be doing something like… Facebook.


8 responses »

  1. Well. I enjoyed reading this! it was neat to get some insight into you that I didn’t know previously, and it made me laugh, as well! So… not a total loss. Sometimes things just piss you off!

  2. I agree. This was completely entertaining. And I discovered our shared loathing for the term “surf and turf.” To me, the term is innocuous since cows don’t live on turf or else football teams across the country would be really ticked off. And covered in cowpies.

  3. I hate the web address they end those commercials with. Sometimes that friggin web address just pops into my head at random.
    I also hate that new Publisher’s Clearinghouse commercial where it’s like, “Win $5000 every week for a year!” or whatever, because it just shows the same footage of people screaming over and over and over again. It makes me cringe worse than watching Willard Scott on the Today show.
    Also, remember how when I was little and I’d be eating my breakfast before school and mom would have the Today Show on, and when Willard would say,”Happy Birthday from Smuckers, how sweet it is…”, I’d have to turn away? Looking at the pictures of the old people made me nauseous!! I seriously couldn’t eat my Fruity Pebbles because I’d be looking at half dead old people and their rotting 100 year-old flesh. Alright, maybe I still have to look away!!!!

  4. I was gonna ask her that, too! Well, I guess I could go look, too, but I am so lazy tonight and I think Naynay’s descriptions of such illustrations would be way better anyway.

    Trish, you had to go and mention Willard Scott and that damn Smuckers thing. Now I feel a little queasy, too, because that never sat well with me, either. Why is that? Also- people should retire the phrase “How sweet it is!” forever, because it sounds so ridiculous. That’s what I think, anyway.

    And I should mention, VP, that now I am picturing some disturbing images of a cow vs. men football game. It ain’t pretty. I’m not sure who’d win. Tackling a cow can’t be easy, helmets or not. Although those high-methane cow farts would be effective defense. Hmm. The mind boggles.

  5. Confession: I’m rooting for the cows. Seriously, though, I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention to anyone talking about “health and wealth” like that. Of course, NOW I’ll see it everywhere. Watch.

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