So today I went to the Social Security office and changed my name back to my maiden name. It went smoothly, and I was done within minutes– I just need to wait about a week or so for my new card to arrive, and wait 48 hours before I can change my name at the DMV. Still, the first and most pain-in-the-ass step has been taken care of, finally.
When I got home I saw that I had an IM message on my screen; it was a notice that someone had denied my request to add them to my IM list. This person is friends with NX and I’m sure that’s why she turned me down. (Granted, I made that request probably about three or four months ago, now, so what’s with her waiting until now to respond?) Either way, seeing that this person denied my request made me feel kind of indignant and put-off. I felt kind of like I was back in middle school, being told I couldn’t sit at a certain table at lunch because I wasn’t cool enough.
That feeling only lasted a couple of minutes, though. Now I feel kind of like “screw you too” about her. When I was married to NX she always wanted to do girly things with me and acted like she would be there for me if I wanted to talk. But when things were going bad with me and NX, she kind of began the shutting-down process when it came to me, and instead only spoke to NX and from what I hear, said things like she couldn’t believe I was leaving like I was and taking his side of things. So clearly, her rejection of my IM request isn’t breaking my heart, because I don’t think she ever really liked me, anyway. I think she was trying to like me for NX’s sake. After I left, it’s not like I heard from her again or anything. Like I said, screw her.
But isn’t it funny how a little thing like seeing the words “your request has been denied” immediately causes a visceral reaction, anyway? It makes me realize I’m used to getting my way and having people like me more than they dislike me. So when someone does dislike me, it’s a little jarring. I’m just somewhat intrigued by my reaction, and that’s why I’m writing about it.
Hey, while I’m on the subject of feeling stupid for no good reason, I realize I will alter my route when I’m out walking Hurley if I have to walk past a group of teenagers. Nothing has ever happened, and the kids are usually just hanging out in front of someone’s house or by a car on the side of the street. No one ever says anything to me if I do walk by. But still… I again get this unreasonable feeling that they’re going to say something mean to me if they get a chance! How retarded, right? I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’m not a big, slobbering weirdo leering at them and making a scene (on most nights, anyway), so there would be no reason for them to even pay any attention to me. I know that. Yet there’s that middle school part of my brain again, acting like I am encroaching on cool-kid territory and I’d better just slip past as quickly as I can so they leave me alone. I find this kind of amusing, as I sit here thinking about it.
Just curious: did anyone else get called “stuck up” in school because you didn’t talk to the other kids enough? It wasn’t that I thought I was better– rather, I thought I was WORSE than they were, and I was too shy and scared to speak up. It was kind of depressing when I found out that the other kids thought I was the one snubbing them for some reason; so you mean I could have approached them and talked and they wouldn’t have chased me away? Whaaaa…? You’re kidding. I only found this out when I made friends with a girl that I thought hated me, and she said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were stuck-up before” and we talked about it. By that time, I was in high school, and the revelation that being liked was up to me, in a big way, and not the unspoken rules of high school society as I had assumed… well, it kind of woke me up and I stopped being as shy and as reserved. I still stuck to myself mostly, but I had friends in different groups and grades and it was nice. All because I started to lift my head and smile a little more.
So I guess all I need to do is be myself and look people in the eye as often as I want to. There’s no reason to avoid the high school kids if they’re in my path. I can just smile, or nod “what’s up” and walk by, no big deal. They’re just kids, anyway, and God knows they’re dealing with all that crap none of us would ever want to relive. I can be cool to them. Maybe not so cool that I’d buy them booze or anything… but you know what I mean.
Isn’t getting older weird? You still feel so much like that 16 year old you once were, but God knows you’re not, really. It reminds me of one of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:
Life is funny. One minute you’re a little kid, running through a meadow, and the next, you’re a skeleton, walking through a meadow, with dogs chasing you.