Mean n’ snarky

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I think I have a strong Mean Girl streak in me sometimes. I mean, not for real… I would never be blatantly mean to someone, and in fact, a lot of my problems stem from being too nice and too willing to stand there and tolerate BS for longer than is socially necessary. What I’m talking about is my Inner Snark.

This is the part of my personality that can find something nasty to think about almost ANYTHING if I am in the proper mood. Today, me and R (oh whatever, her name is RaeAnn so I should just use her name already) were in McDonald’s for lunch and could not stop watching this heavyset mess of a woman lumber around the parking lot and the sidewalk just outside the doors in a very suspicious manner. Just wandering and looking around, seeming like she was up to something. She had poorly-fitting pants, a huge striped T-shirt with ketchup stains on the front, and hair that likely hadn’t been washed yet for the week. Just kind of filthy, kind of slow…and definitely someone I looked down my nose upon. Because what was she DOING just walking slowly back and forth around the McDonald’s property?! Who was she waiting for? What was she waiting for? When were they or it going to show up? And why would she be out there right when we, two perfectly average women in our 30s, were trying to eat our lunch in peace? Just seeing her through the window was definitely cutting into our enjoyment of our meals. “Be gone, Beastie!” Nope. She was there for a long time.

She even got in a car at one point with this dude who was with her, and then got out and walked around the building. She came back with a grubby fistful of dollars. Oh, my God. Was she just–

Maybe. We really don’t know. Hopefully it wasn’t a whore thing, but a drug dealing thing. And this wasn’t just weed or something, this had to be something stronger. Like pain pills or something else stolen from the local pharmacy. She had too many teeth for meth, but then again she could be at the beginning of her addiction. What a sorry excuse for a human being. We were so glad when she and the dopey guy in the car pulled away we almost cheered. But we did not, for we are classy. Classy women eating off of paper wrappers in the McDonald’s.

And now, I am sitting here, hating that I overheard someone misquote Napoleon Dynamite. Loudly. It went like this:

“I love the Grandma. ‘You have to eat your torteeeeella, Napoleon.'”

No, come on now. That’s not it. Everyone knows it’s a ques-a-DILL-a. A dang ques-a-DILL-a, at that. Get it right, genius. Until then, keep your mouth tightly clamped shut.

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Oh, and if you think it’s heeeelarious to bring a little rubber toy worm to work that sings “Born to be Alive” in a weird little ‘funny’ voice, let me tell you friend: it’s not. It’s not a great idea to keep pushing the button so the thing sings whenever a new person stops by your desk. Not to the people sitting on the other side of the cube wall from you. I appreciate really dumb stuff, I do, but I don’t appreciate the morons who can’t get enough of the novelty shit they bought in Spencer’s last night and insist on making everyone check it out. Keep it home, Cool Guy.

Also today, I have made fun of fat chicks, Mexicans, the police, pregnant girls, my old boss, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Clearly it is a Snarktastic Day. Nothing is safe.

I might even go home and find something about Hurley that I can mock. Yeah, it’s bad today!

This whole thing reminds me of “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” I love that segment.

Well, this has been fun. I have to go the bathroom. And one thing I can’t stand is the arduous task of peeing. Grrrr!

By the way, this picture really makes me laugh, and I love Obama. Even he’s not safe from my meanness:

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6 responses »

  1. I know! Kinda makes you jealous, doesn’t it? I bet you would love to work in an office cubicle everyday, with hijinks like this. 😉

  2. Sometimes I think to myself, “I’m terrible! God, I am thinking SUCH uncharitable thoughts about my co-workers.” And people I see when I’m driving. And old people. And ugly children.

  3. I am a complete bitch in my head while the outside is all sweetness and cream. But sometimes my inner bitch rears her ugly head. Like today when I saw a homeless guy shuffle towards the entrance of my work building and I immediately thought, “Don’t you DARE come near my car ass wipe or I will so smoke your ass.” And this guy was doing nothing but walking by. I think we all have days like these. 🙂

  4. Hey! Who you callin’ “average”?

    Kidding.

    That woman *deserved* our derision, Lisa. She has to learn that you don’t just go out into the world a-week-unbathed with condiment stains on your shirt. And by the way, (to use a Carolla-ism), I’m totally with VP up there, too — she and her freak-a-deak “partner” were parked right next to MY car. My precious, precious car. If they’d touched it, I would’ve lost my freakin’ mind.

    I’m also with Fraulein on the ugly children front. Recall how I sent you that picture of Tori Shovel-Face Spelling TSFS and her infant son earlier this week? Yeah. Leave it to the Queen of the Homely to breed even more homely kids.

    God, I gotta stop. The snarkiness … it’s taking over. And I need to get work done today.

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