So, I got through the day. November 11, what would have been our two year anniversary. Funny that I honestly don’t remember what we did this time last year to celebrate. I think we just got home from our cruise… but for some reason there’s nothing else showing up in my memory at the moment. Interesting.
I had braced myself for a sad day. Instead, it was a pretty nice day, with the exception of me blowing a perfectly great hiking day because I was too lazy to get off the computer and drive over to the mountain with enough time to get a hike in before it got dark. Oh, and I pushed Hurley too far for the first time tonight when we were playing and he snapped at me. (I was taking his pork chew away from him and throwing it across the room…and he tolerated it for awhile but when I yanked it from his mouth that last time he was like, “Stop it, I said it’s MINE!”) I felt sooo bad for being a jerk with the way I was playing with him–because I was–, and for the first time today, I cried a little. He looked really concerned when I freaked out, and came over with his tail wagging low, and licked my leg. So I stopped crying. That was the end of the ‘sadness’ today.
I saw my counselor and it was a great session. In fact, I’m not going back unless I feel like I want to or need to. She read me some statements that I’d made at our first session in July, and compared to things I said today, and it was truly eye-opening. For instance, she asked me today: “What are some of your strengths?” I thought and said, “Well, I’m resilient… I’m more confident… I’m kind of creative…I’m proud of my relationships with my family and friends…I’m self-reliant…” and she shook her head and said, “Whew! Want to know what you said on your first visit?”
I nodded, and she said, “When I asked you what your strengths were, you told me you weren’t sure. That was it. And today you rambled and listed a bunch of things! That’s just great!”
That made me feel kind of nice. And thankful that everything I’ve had to go through to get to this point meant something. Nothing was in vain; everything that sucked actually did force me to grow and get with the program and take better care of myself. I realized, for real now, that I had better like myself or else the rest of my life was going to be a lot harder, a lot less fun. I know I am different today than I was this summer. I also know it’s been a relatively short time period, too. But I honestly feel like the changes are real. I DO feel better about myself than I have in years and years. My father told me how happy he was to see me doing “even better than he had expected” and said I just seemed more at-ease and happier than ever. He didn’t like what he saw when I brought Now-Ex back to NJ this summer, not at all. My Dad hated how I behaved around NX, looking to him for approval on how I answered questions, acting out of character because I was trying very hard not to rock the boat. Hell, Dad even called me a week after I went home to tell me: “Listen, I have to tell you something that’s been bothering me so much. I just do NOT like that guy. There is something seriously wrong with him, and I don’t think he is making you happy, from where I’m standing.” WOW! Knowing how my Dad has a hard time giving us blunt criticism, this was a huge deal and I knew how big a problem I had on my hands at that moment, for sure. Then my best friend told me that while I was staying with her and her husband, “I didn’t seem like myself.” All I heard about that trip was about how subdued I was, how I seemed to be walking on eggshells, how I seemed tired, stressed and kind of depressed. I feel bad for you guys who met me for the first time on that trip! I wonder if you got to meet the real me or not. I THINK so, because when I was hanging out with you guys I had such a fun time it was hard not to have a blast. But I wonder…if NX hadn’t been there, how much MORE fun could we have had?!
OK, so, I just realized I didn’t say this part yet, but yes: yesterday I received the papers that showed the divorce is, in fact, finalized. It was signed on November 6. So I am officially back to a single legal status now. I am going to change my name back with the DMV and SS next week.
Sure, I felt sad when I opened the envelope when it came yesterday. But I read it over, sighed, and immediately filed it away in my file cabinet so I wouldn’t be sitting there looking at it. And that was really all there was to it. I didn’t feel an urge to cry; I did call my family to tell them the news, though. Each of them was happy to hear it was final…and SURPRISED that it was over so quickly! Aren’t divorces supposed to take about a year, or something? Well, thank God it didn’t in this case. It’s much better to have this over and done with!
It definitely seemed symbolic, but I didn’t think of it being symbolic until I was in the middle of it, but I dyed my hair this morning. Finally. I hadn’t done it in over a YEAR. I’m not entirely sure why that was, really… I thought it was kind of pretty as the color grew out, and I did get compliments on it. But lately it was looking very brassy and uneven to me, because the roots were darker and the ends faded to a weird reddish-blondish color. I just got sick of it and wanted dark hair again. I’m super happy with my new dark brown hair. When I dried it and styled it, I was like, “Ahhhh. There I am again.” I think I look so much nicer with dark hair, more like how I think I am supposed to look. Now I am considering getting a haircut that will be a little more interesting than my long, blunt nothing-cut.
It’s kind of funny to me that I changed my hair color and now I will change my name, too. But it’s all going back to the way I used to be when I was just ME. It’s like the reverse witness protection program.
I feel so much better, so much healthier and balanced. I’ve been loving the word serenity for months now as I go through this. I’ve said it to myself whenever I felt stress or that I was overwhelmed with emotions. It’s a soft word, and a very powerful one too, if you think about its meaning. To find serenity is like going a step beyond peace. I like it. I feel closer to serenity now than I thought I could. And I look back at what I do remember from one year ago, and it feels like it was 10 years ago or something. I was a whole other person then; I was pushing myself through the motions and feeling miserable in my own skin. I used to wish for a new brain. I thought mine was defective. I’m really not joking. He made me feel that way with the way he talked to me and criticized me.
But now I know…my brain is just fine. He was the problem. And my own low self-esteem let it happen.
Well, I know one thing: while I am in no hurry to get involved with someone again, if and when I ever do, it’s going to be a hell of a lot different and I’m going to break the bad patterns I’ve fallen into in the past. The next guy is going to be funny, at-ease, sweet, friendly to my family and devastingly cute. I figured while I’m shooting high, why not go for the ENTIRE package? Package being the operative word…SNAP! 😉
Thanks for being there for me through all of this. You have no idea just how much I appreciate your comments and support! I feel so lucky that you’re my friends. Even if some of you try to bro-rape me, or refuse to let me ride in their CATBUS, or call me the Smut Monster (I love inside jokes! Hee hee hee)… I still love ya.