Only sad for a minute


So, about a week ago, I wrote a nice e-mail to STBX’s sister. I wanted to just apologize, tell her how much I appreciated all she and her family did for me, and let them know that I thought they were great people. She wrote back the next day, saying a lot of very nice things back to me. She said she always liked me and my Mom and sister, and often wondered how we are all doing… she said I was welcome back in her home state anytime I wanted to visit (um, that would be too much, actually) and told me that she hoped STBX and I could manage to come out of this as friends of some sort.

The only part of the e-mail that threw me is that she said something along the lines of the following:

She once asked STBX why the rush to get divorced, and his answer was that “she (meaning me) could contest it and stop it at any time.” This might be true, technically-speaking, but seriously? I did NOT think that was an option with him. Anytime I tried to talk sanely about separation as opposed to flat-out divorce, he freaked out and got all angry. I even brought it up in front of the counselor that time. I’m thinking that, if he had been serious about letting me know I could stop the divorce, that would have been an opportune time to say so! So I’m thinking he is either just saying that for his family’s sake, so I can be painted as the bad guy a little more… or if it was really true and he was just too proud to tell me that I had the power to stop it. I guess I was supposed to just figure that out on my own. Take from his nasty behavior that I should be the one to step up and fight the divorce. Because I had nothing but good vibes from him; trusted that he wouldn’t fight me in court on it… of course! My mistake!

OK, well, after that e-mail I was a little messed up, wondering about the possibilities if I had in fact not signed the paperwork. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion pretty quickly that no, I like my life now, I am happier and healthier than ever, and I don’t want to be his wife. Especially if he still pulls manipulative crap like this.

Fast forward to Friday. This is the last month we are on the same car insurance, so I had to mail him a check for my share of the bill. I mailed it around the 4th and it had never been cashed. So I sent a brief e-mail on Friday that said:

Did you receive a check from me for October, for the $86 (and change) insurance bill? I saw you cashed the one from September…but I mailed you another one the first week of October. It was in a green envelope. If you didn’t get it I have to do a stop payment I guess.

 Hope you’re doing well. Take care.


He didn’t reply, and the check didn’t show up in my bank account as cashed over the weekend, either. I had been nervous about making any contact with him, since it’s been over a full month now since we spoke at all. But I had to know about the check. I’ve had issues with checks getting lost in the mail recently (remember, the September rent check fiasco?) so I’m paranoid.

This morning, I turn my computer on to see that he wrote back to me late last night. And here it is, verbatim:

I got it.

Please, stop contacting my family. Not my parents, not my sister, not my nieces. Just because they are too polite to tell you — what you’d think you’d already realize in this situation — it makes them feel awkward and puts them in a compromising situation when you continue to do so. They know this is the worst thing I’ve been through. Why would they want to hear from the person who caused it? They shouldn’t be getting messages from you, or invitations, or announcements, or emails, or calls, or letters. They shouldn’t be your friends or contacts on social networking sites. You don’t want a life with me; you don’t have the right to try to keep one with any of my family. Purge them from your phone and address books, contact lists and online sites. Move on like you wanted. I’m sure you can continue to live your new life, unabated, without any sign-off, approval or validation from them.


I have to admit it kind of kicked me in the gut when I read it. There’s a lot of anger, lots of blame and pity-party shit in there, and he knows that’s my weak spot. The stuff that gets to me, makes me upset. I thought about replying with his sister’s email from last week so he could read what she told me, but luckily I calmed down and refrained from any of that. I talked to my Mom, who encouraged me to just give it up, and not get in touch with him or any of them from now on.


So that’s what I’m going to do. I wrote quick notes to his sister, his niece and nephew, who are the only three I am in contact with, really. I told them I was taking them off my friends lists on MySpace and Facebook, and I just said why. I don’t care that they know what STBX said. I just didn’t want to drop them without saying a final goodbye and letting them know why I wasn’t going to be in touch anymore. I haven’t heard back from any of them yet, and I don’t expect to, honestly. It just sucks that he has to say things like this, period. And I feel kind of pathetic, anyway, when I think about it. Why try to stay friendly with his family? What could I possibly gain from that? I’m embarrassed. (For the record, I have not written any letters, or made a single phone call to any of them. And I haven’t invited them to anything. I only stayed friends with them on the social sites, and sent that one e-mail to his sister.)


Well, like my title says, I was only sad for a minute. Because I am giddy and so happy about the huge development that happened late last night… I started writing new material for my book! I guess the dreams and the thinking-about-dolphins really did make a difference. I wrote until it was very late, and when I got to work today, I kept going. I really have to write two more articles for work as soon as possible, yet here I am with Google docs open on my screen, typing dialogue and getting that familiar excitement of telling the story all over again. It’s addictive when it hits me, and it’s hard to turn away from the screen when it happens. I love it so much! I wish it happened all the time, but I have to tell you how relieved and perfectly happy I am to have the story come back again at all. Man, I was worried there. Two entire months with no new material at all. The streak is broken, for now. Maybe for good…? I hope so!


I want to be a fiction author so badly. I love my job, I really do. But I certainly don’t plan on stopping at being just a business magazine writer. There has to be a reason I’ve always done this crazy writing stuff, always have these dark, weird stories in my head, why I am obsessed with my subjects and constantly listen to music that would be “on the soundtrack” to whatever book I am writing at the moment. I judge every song by how it fits into my story. I rarely listen to stuff that doesn’t relate or inspire me in some way. It’s been this way since I got my first tape recorder and record stuff off the radio for the first time. The concept of a mix tape was, to me, a writing device, even back in 1985.


Anyway, as I was saying… I am writing right now. It’s good. Stupid, nasty STBX can never take that from me, so he can kiss my ASS.




3 responses »

  1. Mmm-hmmm. Big, bad STBX has to get all jealous of any potential relationships/friendships he’s realized you might actually get to walk away with intact after all of this, and he’s jealous. Because I know those relatives are all adults with their own minds and they can certainly decide for themselves whom they want to/choose to associate with. I hope you at least told them the truth when you messaged them all yoru goodbyes, instead of some flip, trite, piddly stuff.

    That crap he said about the divorce sounds like more defensiveness, to me.
    Put it all off on you again and assume no fault or responsibility of his own.
    What a way to shut down any further conversation with his loving family on the subject, really. Sounds like good ol’ male code for “leave me the eff alone about it.” At least you can take solace in knowing he’s not the only man on the planet that behaves that way, says such things or reasons that way.

    Yes, pride. Yes, for the family’s sake.
    And myriads of other reasons.

    Look how he’s now objecting to your relationships with his family the same way he did your relationships with your own.

    Will the need/desperation/attempt to control everything around him never stop?

  2. I was going to say the eact same thing. He is jealous of even the idea that you would stay friends with anyone that is supposed to be “on his side.” Because that is what this is. Your side and his side and his family should be HIS! How dare you attempt to “steal” away his supporters and commiserators! Why you evil person you!! 🙂

    STBX has some severely mental issues and needs to grow up and be adult, like his sister, who can clearly see there are two sides to this story. I would be surprised if she contacted you again after things have cooled down. But maybe not if her brother whined enough about her being unfaithful and betraying him, she may not. I hope she does. Because he needs to realize this is not all about him. There were two people in this relationship, two people who decided to take this path. Just because you are doing well is no reason to try and make you miserable as he is.

    I was pissed for you reading that emailf rom him because you have been nothing if not accomadating to every whim of his. And stilll he demands more from you. Well, you know what? You are so much better off without him and probably even his family, in your life. And these petty little acts of his prove it more and more every time.

    Write baby write, I can’t wait!

  3. I think Shades and VP said it best. I hate when that happens but I don’t to write and be redundant. I will add; however, I agree that is seriously mind effing you with his jealousy and pity party crap. Wahhh, it is YOUR fault this is happening and I am so tortured by how horrible you treated me. Um, if I recall, he was the one who wanted the divorce and pushed for it as opposed to you who wanted to separate. There is nothing wrong with recognizing obvious issues in a relationship and wanting to fix them, which is what you wanted to do. You knew, deep down inside it wasn’t going to work but you were willing to try which is more than he did. He just played the victim and made you out to be the bad guy which is really immature and manipulating. He is still mad because he no longer has someone he can control and treat badly; that’s the real reason for his depressed behavior. It’s like, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Fuck that, L….. you are so much better than that.

    It is hard, when you are in a relationship with someone who will not change, doesn’t even see their bad points to change the, yet they continue to tell you YOU are the problem. I have a friendship like that and sometimes I wonder why I am still friends with this person. She openly has admitted to reading books on “power” and manipulation and I swear she does it to me and her husband who is completely whipped and wrapped around her finger. She reminds me a lot of Greg with the control and then the turning around that it is your fault. I’ve said stuff to her before that I didn’t like that she said/did and she’ll blame me and say I am too sensitive when she is being outright rude or whatever. People say why are you friends with her and I really don’t know anymore. I guess I need therapy too. Anyway, my point is and sorry I wrote, like a novel, is we all have these dysfunctional relationships at one point in our life and it is important that we learn to change ourselves and not the other person because if that were the case, we’d be trying forever. I am up to what said friend is doing and only let her say/do certain things now. I am not going to let her try to control me, she can do that to her husband. One day, when the time is right, I will make my escape from her ways. You got out earlier and I commend you for it.

    Okay, longest comment EVER is done. 🙂 Also, I am not proofreading it because I am not in the mood. haha

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