I need to get some stuff done. Specifically, work stuff. And then I have to move back to my book.
My book. My poor, poor book. I’ve let it slip. I swore I wouldn’t do it when things started happening again this past spring and summer. I was writing so much, and the book was piecing together in a way I had almost given up hope of every happening. For years, it languished and I had no clue how it would ever become anything even close to cohesive or interesting. But then I started over with a totally new direction and it was just the kick in the brain I needed. It was so incredible, that feeling of “I’m writing this again and it’s working!” And then…
I resent that life gets in my face and demands my attention, even against my will. I didn’t want to have to focus on marriage problems and the subsequent stress of making hard decisions, moving out and building a new life and routine. But it was necessary.
I really thought that my book would become my escape during all of this. I honestly tried to make it come out again, several times. I sat there in front of the computer, re-reading things and only making edits to my work…not adding anything new. It’s been a couple of MONTHS now since I wrote a new chapter. Suffice to say, I am freaking out right about now.
Why now? I guess because I am settling in. Today marks three full weeks since I heard a peep from STBX, and life has been good overall. Sure, I had a couple of sick days there, and Hurley had his little paw-pad incident last week (he’s 100% fine now, by the way), but seriously, if those are my biggest complaints, I feel SO fortunate.
I do have some remaining home projects to take care of, that’s true. I know I can’t totally relax until things around me are finished. It’s kind of like how I hate to sit down to watch a movie if the living room is a mess. I have to clean it up before I can watch anything. I feel strange about sitting down to write when there’s stuff on my mind that I want to or need to accomplish. I have to get over this feeling, because seriously…there’s always going to be SOMETHING else that needs to be done! Always. I wonder if I am subconsciously finding excuses not to write. But why would I do that? Hell, I don’t know. Blah.
I finally got to hike again on Sunday! And I brought Hurley. He did well! Although he definitely shows a preference for walking on sand, and on even surfaces. He kind of slowed down and dragged ass whenever we went upwards on any surface. (The other dogs would practically pull me up the mountain in their excitement.) But I honestly think he was just unsure of what the hell it was we were doing out there. After all, up until that day, we had been taking long walks at night in the neighborhood, where there are no steep elevations or uneven surfaces. He probably wondered what the eff we were doing out in broad daylight, in the desert, amongst rocks and scrubby cacti. But he was such a little trooper and he lasted much longer than I originally had planned for. I carried a bottle of water for him, and stopped every so often to offer him something to drink and check his paws for any thorns or debris. I was so careful it was probably overkill. (It crossed into overkill territory when I tripped and stumbled into a bush because I was so busy watching Hurley navigate some rocks that I forgot to watch my own damn self. And the time when I worried about him not being able to figure out this one area of smooth rock and considered carrying him down the mountain. Good thing I didn’t…I would have toppled over for sure! And it turned out he did super well hopping down the slope on his own. Nothing to worry about.) I have a feeling that the next time we go back he will do even better because it will now be familiar.
It was probably fortunate that he was with me on Sunday, because it was my first hike since May or sometime back when it was still tolerable outside, so I knew I was out of practice. I tend to overdo it, right out of the gate, though. With Hurley there, I was forced to slow down, stop once in awhile, and not jog on the trail. I need to remember to build back up to that. No running yet. Plus, yesterday I was not sore. Normally I’d be achy the next day from the exertion. Thanks to him, I did it correctly for once. See? That dog is single-pawedly improving my life.
I guess I should get back to work. I did a bunch of stuff in a flurry of activity today, and then the urge to do THIS hit and now I am feeling sluggish. I’m also hungry and thinking about getting something from the vending machine, and I’m fighting the urge because no good can come of that vending machine. If I am so hungry I should get in my car and drive my ass over to the grocery store down the street and buy a goddamn banana or some yogurt.