Now that it’s Thursday, I have really got to finish up the packing. Last night I did nothing to pack. At least yesterday afternoon I cruised behind a shopping center searching for boxes and found a TON of them behind the Wal-Mart. Still, they aren’t doing me much good stacked in my car (they’re folded); they kind of need to be filled with stuff in order to be useful.
Dudes. Some interesting crap is going on. STBX is being NICE to me.
I mean, very nice. On Tuesday, he brought home a bunch of really good moving boxes from his work and then helped me pack. We went through the kitchen, one cabinet and drawer at a time, sorting through things and deciding who was keeping what and in some cases, giving things to one another. (He’ll get more use out of my cast iron skillet than I would, since I never, ever used it, so I gave it to him, for example) Then we moved on to the DVD collection and did the same thing. Finally, we tackled the two hallway closets, sorting through and packing linens and random junk. We have a pretty big stack of boxes and empty shelves in the kitchen/living room area now, all ready to go.
I’m glad he is being friendly, instead of mopey and depressed like he was all weekend long. But there’s a problem. Like I said, he is being TOO NICE. If you know what I mean.
The first time he kissed me, it was Tuesday morning before work. I woke up and he was holding me. Which never happens! He always likes to be as far away from me as possible in bed, because I am “too hot” and he can’t tolerate my body heat. Weird, I know, but it is true. I heat up like a furnace when I sleep, seriously. Anyway, to wake up in his arms was just like waking up in BizarroWorld. What? Huh? Um, hi…you might remember me, the woman you are about to divorce?!
But this closeness that morning wigged me out to no end. I got very emotional and freaked out for a good hour or so. I was an hour late to work as a result. And I apparently looked like ass too, because people commented and asked me if I “felt OK”. That night was when he helped me pack.
Yesterday this pattern continued. He was nice and gave me a goodbye kiss before he left for work. We’re not saying “I love you,” but the physical contact is messing with my head. Even though I know how wrong it is, I am hugging him back and kissing him back. It’s so sad. I’m getting what I wanted all along…him being NICER to me…just in the week before I move the hell OUT. And days after filing for divorce. It’s mind-boggling.
I’m giving in because I do have love for him; I do know that the good times were very, very nice, and those memories will always be special to me. Also, our physical closeness for the most part was always great– by that I mean, it was the one time we were guaranteed NOT to fight or criticize one another. I think I am going to mourn that. If that makes sense. And maybe the hugs/kisses right now are a way of saying goodbye to all of that. Even though it makes me tear up and sometimes sob for a few minutes, it’s still much better than screaming or crying in frustration for the last week of living together. It’s less stressful, and getting a hug when it all gets to me does feel pretty good.
I like to think that this all means this will be an amicable divorce. That we might be able to become friends at some point. That there will be no fighting in the courts about who-gets-what or anything. (Heck, we have already split up all our money and accounts, and decided who is keeping what from the house, so there’s nothing left to grab from one another, really.) I’m hopeful that we will remain adults about this decision, both of us.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on. Other than that:
* I still need to find a couch. I’ve tried to get two different ones off of Craigslist now, only to be beaten out by someone who replied to the ads faster than I did. I’ve gone to several furniture stores and hated what I found, or was unwilling to pay the high prices being asked for the stuff.
* I rented the U-Haul, all the utilities are set up…but it sucks because I have to wait all the way until THURSDAY to get my internet and cable hooked up! I am really annoyed by that. I’m going to have to buy a DVD player ASAP because I won’t be able to do anything except watch movies for a few days. (Can’t really get much reception without cable out here.)
* I have put in adoption applications at the rescue where Moe and Spanky are, as well as one that rescues collies and shelties. I started to journal out what it was about my dog Sam that I loved so much, and I think it was the collie temperment in him. He wasn’t very retriever-ish, really, because he wasn’t goofy or clumsy, or into tennis balls, licking people like crazy and all of that. He was super loyal, though, very intelligent, talkative when we played together (we always had a conversation when I came home at the end of the day, like clockwork. It sounded like him squealing and whining and me going, “What? What? Didya watch the house? Were you a good boy? Tell me, tell me!” It was probably crazy-sounding to anyone else) and just very calm and intuitive, almost. Those are collie traits. So that led to me doing some searching online last night, finding the rescue group, and sending in an application. I’ll go to see a bunch of their dogs on Saturday after the move is done, because it happens they’re doing a big adoption event at a PetSmart in Phoenix. I’ll just see how it goes.
It’s such an interesting and messed-up time. I don’t know whether I am happy or sad sometimes. But I know it will all work out for the very best, so that pulls me through and encourages me.