We have to split up a lot of material items around the house, and I think we’re both avoiding talking about it for the most part. I have mentioned a few things I want to take (my TV, the Kitchenaid mixer, the video camera) and he has stated he wanted to keep a few things (the new digital camera, the new printer, the high-def DVD player). I’m not going to take the living room furniture, except for the tall cabinet from IKEA that we store the DVDs in. That’s mostly because I have more movies than he does, and I’m not sure he ever really liked that cabinet all that much for some reason.
Yesterday I got some boxes to pack my CDs in and I almost fit them all into three of these boxes, but I need one more to get them all in. This was the first thing I have officially packed, and it felt so awkward. He was out in the kitchen making something to eat, and I was in the bedroom stacking CDs into boxes. He walked past the doorway and looked in, paused for a second, and went about his business after I muttered, “Well, I have to start packing sometime,” which I said because of the weird look on his face. I can’t shake the odd feeling I have of being the one who “won” by getting what I wanted (leaving him) and that he is the one left dealing with defeat. I don’t see this as a win/lose thing for either of us. This isn’t a victory for me. It’s still emotional, surreal, uncomfortable and sad anyway I look at it. Even though I am happy about the next phase of my life, there’s still room for me to feel more or less unhappy about the awkwardness of the current situation. It’s still a marriage coming to an end, and I still have weird feelings about that prospect because I was raised to not see divorce as a solution to problems. I thought I’d be in this for the long haul, and we’d work together to make things better all the time. It’s sad that it wasn’t meant to be, I guess.
Getting back to packing and the issues regarding “stuff”: He was home ALL weekend. I mean, he didn’t go out anywhere except to the grocery store a couple of times. He’d initially said something on Thursday about going down to Tucson for the weekend with his friend, but then that fizzled out for whatever reason and he just moped around the house, mostly watching TV with a blank expression on his face, drinking beer. I can’t determine if this was something he was doing to manipulate me or not– sitting around, looking sullen, thereby making me feel remorseful for leaving, even THOUGH he was the one who wanted to jump into filing for divorce right away (I wanted to separate first, try going to counseling while we are living apart even just once or twice, and see how that goes and if we both want to go through with the finality of divorce)– or if these were legitimate depressed feelings. If he was just flat-out depressed, it stands to reason he’d be uninterested in going anywhere or doing much of anything. Either way, the fact remains that he was around the house all weekend long, and I didn’t know what to do with myself whenever I was in the house, too. Packing felt wrong, and talking about the upcoming move also felt weird.
Tonight after work, I am meeting the real estate agent to sign the lease and pay the deposit on the place. Hopefully I will also get final confirmation that I can get the keys Friday night, and if I can keep the couch that’s in the house.
Another weird thing is that he wants to help me “load the truck” when I move out. He doesn’t want anyone coming into the house to help me move out. He’d rather any friends who are going to help me just meet me at the new house and unload the truck there. I don’t know what I want to do, first off because I wasn’t planning on renting a truck, and because I think that would set his mind at ease because he can watch to see what I load onto the truck to make sure I only take what I am “supposed to”… but on the other hand = AWKWARD. Again. It’s got to be awful to watch your spouse’s stuff all leave the house, box by box. And I think it would be sad for me, too, to have to look over and see his upset face as we do it. I think it could be better for both of us if he was out somewhere and I had a couple people come over to help me. I’ve got two couples ready and willing to help out, with two pickup trucks. Ehh. I have to decide within the next day or two what I’m doing.
Stupid stuff, complicating matters. In a lot of ways I want to leave most of it. Just take my clothes, books, personal stuff, and not have to worry about moving furniture of any kind. The bedroom furniture is a weird situation because the bed is mine, but the mattress is ours. He already said I could take the bed but does that mean the mattress, too? And then there are my dressers. Once mine are gone from the room, he will have no furniture except his one small dresser in the corner.
Oh my God, why am I worrying about how empty HIS bedroom will look after I go?! How stupid of me. Who cares, right? Just take what is mine, what is fair, and get the hell out. Sheesh.
Anyway, this is just difficult and I know it’s only going to feel like this for a few days. It’ll be over once I actually do it and move out. Not too long off now.