The honest truth

I’ve reached a point where I need to get something off my chest.
I’ve been hiding the real me for a long time now. Months, at least. I have grown smarter and more experienced in life itself, and I know all the correct things to do, say and even think.

And yet, I’m having lots of trouble with my health and level of energy/motivation to do anything.

I’m in pain every day. My sciatica hurts all the time. Lucky for me, it’s manageable the majority of the time. (Pain level around 3 or 4.) I’ve gotten used to it, and I hate that I had to get used to that kind of pain. At any given moment, there’s pain in my left leg. Recently, the pain along the nerve spread further into my left foot and has given me cramping, throbbing pain in the bottom of my foot. I have been trying the thing with rolling a tennis ball under my bare foot and it has helped a little. I think some of my shoes actually exacerbate the problem so I am slowly weeding those pairs of shoes out of my closet. The thing that sucks is that the pain is now in a place where it once wasn’t. I feel so annoyed by that fact.

I’ve been short of breath a few times over the past few months, and that’s scared me. I have never been the most athletic person, even as a little kid. I used to get called to sit down and rest because I’d overheat easily (my face goes totally red and blotchy, making everyone ask me if I’m OK, which is annoying). I don’t know it it’s because of my heart murmur or what, but I’m not happy that breathing itself is sometimes a chore for me.

Right now, I’ve got ear pain that’s stabby and sharp in my left ear. It’s always my left ear. I get this pain several times throughout the year, at random. I think it’s related to my sinuses, which are constantly giving me trouble. I’m so tired of the pressure, the pain, the dryness. Neti pots and nasal moisturizers (saline) keep me functional, but functional is not the same as “feeling good.”

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I eat awful stuff. I think I’m addicted to sugar, even though I feel like shit after I eat it. I have no energy to get off my ass and exercise. I’ll even change into my workout clothes, but never make it to the gym. It’s pathetic and I feel disgusting. I hate how I feel. I hate it so much. I don’t understand what’s going on, because I KNOW exactly what I have to do. I have read the tricks and mental tips to motivate me into working out, and when I try them in real life, I haven’t had much luck. I know how I will feel better if I eat better– I have done it in the past and my body does remember how it worked so much easier when it was getting a steady diet of veggies and fruits (and juices). So what’s the friggin’ deal, now? What the hell is the big roadblock keeping me from being the BEST ME I can possibly be?

I don’t know anymore. I have tried journaling about it but all I wind up doing is berating myself for not acting and doing what I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING.

I think it’s time to bring my psychiatrist in on this. My past few visits have gone so well and I have only told him the good stuff. We haven’t changed my meds in years, now. But maybe we have to.

And maybe I have to begin counseling. Just try to work this stuff out, force myself into living a healthier life.

I may never get rid of all the pain, but maybe I can learn to cope with it better. If the pain is what’s creeping slowly in through the back of the theater to ruin the whole show, that’s stupid. I have to get better control of the psychological side effects, damn it.

This morning, a publisher asked me for the first three chapters of my book and normally that news would make me ecstatic. It’s a PUBLISHER, not an agent. I’d be skipping the agent step,  but that would be just fine. Today, though, I stayed home from work because I felt like shit, and I am still sitting here unable to pull those three chapters and send the damn email to the publisher. My writing looks terrible, the story all clunky and messy, and I’m doubting everything all over again.

So, yes. This is all bullshit.

And it has to stop.

A lack of interest… in me.

I’m feeling a bit dejected today. I haven’t heard back from a handful of agents I queried weeks ago. I am out there on Twitter, commenting on blogs, reading everything I can about the current market for science fiction and YA, and all of that has led to me thinking my book’s not good enough.

I think my plot might sound boring next to some of these high-concept, high-drama books. I don’t know. Maybe my style of writing just isn’t marketable. I was thinking today about what kind of books inspired me most back when I first began writing novel-length stuff, and that’s easy: The Catcher in the Rye, and The Outsiders.

Both have male protagonists, both have more of an internal-struggle plot–not a big ‘defining moment when everything changes’ plot– and both are more interested in the MC’s point of view as they go through certain situations.

My first novel was maybe my best in terms of writing a believable male protagonist who goes through a defined, clear plot. Also, he was nothing like me. He was a jock, a smoker, a guy who was dealing with a family going through divorce and issues with his older sister… I created everything from nowhere. Part of me is wondering if I should just go back and rewrite THAT book, and submit that one around to agents. At least it’s more of an adventure. Things happen, stakes are high, the MC can be killed at any time (and nearly does die at the end). These are the elements today’s hot books NEED TO HAVE.

Does my book have those elements? No, since it’s more like CITR and Outsiders. But are people interested in reading those kind of novels right now? Umm… I just don’t know anymore.

I’m circling a lonely little drain of self-doubt right now. (That’s why I came here. To whine about it.)

I participated in a stupid little Twitter event today, where you have to pitch your book in 140 characters or less. Super difficult to do! Anyway, agents read over all the tweets with the corresponding hashtag, and they favorite or reply to pitches they’d like to see as a full query. It’s been a few hours and no one’s favorited my tweet. Hey, I know, it’s just a silly Twitter event and it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. There are a LOT of tweets out there with the hashtag to sift through, and maybe the right agents for me just aren’t on Twitter today. Maybe. Still, seeing other tweets getting favorited and commented on left and right is making me more than a little jealous and insecure. I should just shut it all down for the day and not look anymore.

The other thing bothering me today is not knowing where things stand with this guy I’ve been texting with for a week now. Long story short, but last week after drinking some booze and laughing my ass off watching Parks & Recreation, I went online and scoped out dudes on that site OKCupid. I saw one that made me go, “Oh. Wait a second, what is THIS?” and I made a quick profile and messaged him one short sentence: “Nice Dalek.” (He’s a huge Doctor Who fan, and one of his pics was him with a Dalek.) I didn’t expect a response and was only doing it half-seriously. The next morning, I even had that regret moment of oh, boy. Did I just throw my ring into the online dating fray last night??

But he responded. We wrote emails on the site all day on Friday, and he sent me his phone # so we could text. And text we DID. Holy shit. I have lost count of how many texts I have sent in the past week. It’s been a lot of fun, and he sounds like a pretty smart, intuitive and nice guy. It’s a little weird he hasn’t tried to just call me by now. I can handle it, though. He said outright he hates talking on the phone. But the other day, he said he thought we should meet in person soon to see if we had actual chemistry in real life, since everything was going so well in our texts. I agreed, we started talking about where and when, and then he asked about my sexual expectations and the texting went all serious in tone for a day. But he didn’t say anything that was a dealbreaker for me. However, did I? I was 100% honest with him. He brings out the honesty. He’s a behavioral health counselor (which I am completely fascinated by) and very blunt with me, too. Anyway, I wonder if I scared him off or said something wrong.

Because yesterday and today, our texting dropped off significantly. He hasn’t said a thing about seeing me this week. I kinda feel like something has changed his mind. I don’t know what. It’s probably something on his end and not something I did or said. I know that. But it still sucks, because I was getting my hopes up about meeting him and now I don’t know if it will really happen or not.

(I think he is either way too nervous and afraid to meet me, or he is talking to some other girl and might like her more. He said he had his heart broken about 6 months ago, so he’s probably scared of dating again.)

I’m thinking of texting him and flat out asking if he wants to meet up soon. See what he says. It’s just weird he was all gung-ho about it and then it just disappeared, like we’d never discussed it.

FUCK. See, this crap, this drama, these games, whatever… this is precisely the crap I do not want to deal with. This is why I am not actively trying to date. I don’t like the guessing game shit. It’s probably for the best if he weirds out on me, because my life just goes back to the way it’s been and I don’t have to deal with a guy, a relationship, with all that bullcrap.

Well, there it all is. I’m frustrated about the lack of agent responses, my writing itself, and now this guy. It does feel better to just vomit it all out here on my trusty ol’ diary blog, though.

Newtown

It’s been a very difficult weekend. On the surface, it’s been fun, because I kept myself busy and I was social, and did a lot more things than the usual weekend. But inside I’m like every person in the country right now, crying out for the victims of Friday’s massacre.

Honestly. The words “children” and “massacre” should never be in the same sentence. Yet that’s all we are seeing in the news. It was surreal and unimaginable to read that news about what happened. I have been horrified by a lot of stories in the news. I have cried at news stories before this, but not like I cried over this one. The level of horror is beyond anything else I can think of, outside of 9-11. I know each person reading this right now feels just like I do; and I know we all desperately need something to CHANGE, so this can’t keep happening. This event, this loss of 20 innocent children’s lives, needs to be the final straw for all of us. We can’t just ignore the problem, or let politics get in the way of what needs to be done. And in my opinion, I’ve narrowed it down to three basic things:

1) Reinstate funding (federal, state) for psychiatric facilities and treatment. Too many of those places closed starting in the 1980s, and that’s right around the time people began these kind of massacres. It’s so sad to read about parents who are ‘terrified’ of their own mentally-ill children, and have almost no support or help. I don’t believe the parents of these disturbed killers are always to blame. I think sometimes they really do try to do everything they can to help their kids, but if the professional support isn’t available, what are they able to do?

2) Ban the sale of military-grade assault weapons. It doesn’t matter which gun models these killers used… they used weapons that can fire at fast succession so they could kill as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. Someone needs to explain to me WHY these are manufactured and available for sale in this country. For hunting? Why? Are deers really that hard to take down? They are items made specifically to end life, animal or human. Stop selling them, and when people are caught with them, give them massive fines, take the weapons away and possibly given them jail time if they have a criminal record. The pro-gun people are like, “people kill people, guns don’t kill people” but that’s bullshit, obviously, because all of these killers who have carried out the most deadly attacks have used GUNS. Yes, the person behind the gun was the problem, but it still took a multi-round weapon to carry out the killings. Gun control isn’t the entire answer, but it does need to be a big part of the national discussion if we’re talking about stemming violence. If the weapons are no longer as easy to acquire, it could save some lives. And some lives is worth the restrictions on the pro-gun people’s “rights.”

3) Encourage positive actions and getting to know other people as much as possible. The social disconnect in our society is nuts, if you think about it. So many people don’t know their neighbors’ names (myself included), or want to even have phone conversations anymore in favor of the less-personal text or email. If you don’t have regular interaction with other people, especially people outside of your own cultural circle, religion, etc, you won’t know how to empathize properly. Other people become just that– Others. Who cares about everyone else, right? As long as you and your little circle of family and friends are safe, screw the rest of the world. It’s become too easy to isolate yourself and become desensitized to the violence we see on TV, in movies and video games, and other places. Hell, even death on the news isn’t a big deal to most people. We’re used to it now. But I’m thinking, we start a conversation in this country to encourage everyone to step back and take a look at their own actions and attitudes. It’s hard to do, because not many people are comfortable admitting their own faults or flaws, but DAMN, I think it’s necessary at this point. Let’s put a premium on BEING NICE and INCLUSIVE instead of snarky, indifferent or even hostile. You know that whole “pay it forward” movement? It works. People who are the recipients of a kind act tend to reciprocate at some point, because they recognize the wonderful feeling they got when they realized someone reached out and cared to do something nice for a stranger– and how great it feels to do the same. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of some of my own indifference to others and I don’t want to write gratuitous violence into any of my books. Because, WHY? Why do I have to do that? Why add ugliness to the world when it’s easier and more satisfying to find something better to put out there?

So, that’s my reaction to this tragedy. I really do hope that this time, it’s enough to spur action and actual change. The answer isn’t stepped-up security at schools, or people keeping their kids home for fear the kids will get shot up at school. The kind of violence that happened Friday could have happened anywhere. (The mall, the movie theater, a ‘meet your Senator’ event at a supermarket…) So let’s get to the heart of the discussion and figure out where the violence comes from, and why it’s happening, and begin to sort out what we can ALL do. It’s on ALL OF US, I believe. I’m not sitting around waiting for politicians to get the work done. I’m doing my part to be a better member of society. I hope you’re thinking about this, too.

I’m not crying for those children and adults as much anymore. Because I am angry and totally fed-up with the world as it has been. Now I am just resolved to do my personal best to make this a country that properly honors their memory by working to ensure something like this never happens again. I mean it. Accepting this as a sad ‘sign of our times’ or something like that is a lazy cop-out. So stop whining, and do something to make your tiny contribution to this planet MATTER.

It might not be as tiny as you think.

 

The financial idiot

Remember the good old blogging days? When we all posted frequently, and could easily comment on one another’s posts? Those were some good times. But now, with all the elaborate word verification captchas, incompatabilities between WordPress and Blogger and everyone getting busy with life (what? Real life? What’s that?!), the blogging activity is falling by the wayside.

I still like it, though. I still check blogs that have not been updated in a year, just in case. I blog on my other blog. I blog here. Sure, it’s not as big a part of my life as it once was, but that’s fine. Things shift around and change. It’s OK.

So, I came here today to share my weird shame regarding my bank accounts. It’s just maddening to me that a grown woman with lots of responsibilities and a decent sized paycheck still manages to struggle each month to make ends meet. Especially months with holidays or trips. Dear GOD. I am without an effective budget right now, because I can’t seem to get ahead to the point where things are able to BE budgeted.

Right now, I am down to $44 in my checking account. And $21 in my savings.

That’s IT. That’s what I have to work with until I get paid on Friday.

The only reason I have $44 in checking is because I transferred a whopping $15 over this morning so I could buy some gas for the car this week. I want to get $10 worth.

This is so stupid and shameful. I don’t know how things got so out of control, but ALL of my money goes to paying bills and buying food/gas. The three basics. Every time I spend money on something fun, I wind up short. October it was Halloween and the trip to LA that did me in. November, it was the trip to NJ and then some money I threw in for Thanksgiving dinner stuff. Now this month, it’s friggin’ Christmas. Great. Well, this year they are all getting ‘creative’ gifts (AKA cheap/handmade) and a big pull-back from the years past where I went overboard on my family since I love buying for them. All those holidays added up, it turned out, and gave me a decent chunk of credit card debt. Who’da thunk it?

Well, something has to change soon. I’m considering a couple of options. One– refinancing my mortgage to a 30yr. fixed if I can qualify for it. That could potentially lower my payment. Or, turn the car in for a more affordable car. I thought I could handle jumping from a $128 car payment to a $286 one, but it turns out it’s really not working. I make the payment, yes, but because I am never one to skip a payment or pay less than the amount due. That means all my money that I’d use for other stuff just isn’t there. Maybe I should just do what so many people I know do: just pay what you can and leave it at that. I don’t know, though… I am proud of my credit score and don’t want to take any hits on it. I don’t know why it matters so much to me, but it does.

I’m starting to consider debt consolidation, too. Get all the stupid credit card bills together and make it into one payment. Maybe a lower payment overall. We’ll have to see on that one. I don’t want to close all of my cards out, or have trouble with my credit score down the road.

I hate being an adult sometimes. I really do.

I really have been feeling that hamster wheel thing these days… I keep running to keep up, and yet I never get anywhere.

Lonely without it

I wasn’t feeling well this past weekend, and spent two days stuck at home. Now, it could have been the illness (I had a fever and everything, yuck), but I realized I was feeling kind of depressed. My depression has been in ‘remission’ for the most part, thank God. So I was like, “what the hell is THIS?” What did I have to be depressed about?

I journaled about it, free associating all over the place, to work it out. Two things came to the forefront.

1) I’m sick of being single. FINALLY. Many times, I’ve wondered when this day would come! Because, of course, I love the way my life is right now without the drama of dealing with a relationship. But lately, I’ve been thinking about it again as a possibility. It comes up when I am at a party surrounded by couples, or when people post sickly-sweet things about their spouses on FB, or I am once more the only single person in a group of friends or people at work. I feel the creep of time closing in, and know I am (gulp) only 2.5 years away from FORTY… and think, damn it. Am I honestly going to wind up the weird cat-lady spinster I don’t want to be? Will I wake up one day and be like, oh shit! It happened! I’m Forever Alone(TM)!

Well, here’s the bitch of it: Dating as an activity just doesn’t appeal to me. I can’t get interested in trying the Match.com route again, at all. I’d rather it be the way I’ve done it in the past: I find someone I like. I find out a time and place we might be in the same place. I approach the guy. I tell him, bluntly, that I am interested. He asks me out, and before long we’re BF and GF.

OK. This approach has only worked twice, but those were fun relationships. I do have my eye on someone right now, but… I AM AN IDIOT.

I can’t seem to make eye contact with the dude when I’m around him! I feel all stupid and awkward. I’m not sure what my problem is. He’s now one of my FB friends, and I feel like I’m back in high school when he likes a comment or a post of mine. I’ve thought about messaging him, but don’t want to come on too strong. And THAT is my eternal problem with guys: My tendency is to just jump in with my blunt “I like you” approach, but normally my doubts trickle in and I chicken out. I’ve ‘passed up’ a few very good guys in the past because of this. (And ended up with lame-ass guys instead, blechh.)

So, who the hell knows? Either way, this little crush thing is more fun than it is depressing… so I know the “lonely because I’m single” thing isn’t actually a cause for full-on depression. No way. In fact, I was thinking about it this morning and realized that having this silly crush puts me in a GOOD mood. Maybe I’m a masochist. No. Maybe. I don’t know. Leave me alone!

OK, so the other thing that came out of my journaling was this sentence: “I miss writing Zachary.”

It probably sounds strange to non-writers, but I miss having Zachary in my head. He’s been in there for a good 16 years! And now he’s sort of left the building. I can’t explain it, but now that the first book is complete, he’s not in the forefront anymore. I go do something new, and I don’t immediately start imagining, “what would Zachary think of this? What would he do?” Now I just do something, and that’s it. It’s so weird…! I’m not explaining it well. All I know is there has yet to be another character that’s demanding my full attention. I know it’s only been about a month and a half since I finished, but I guess I thought I’d be deep into the next story by now. I have those two other novels started, both with very fun protagonists, but I suppose I’m not ready yet to get too involved with either of them…?

I did start messing around with the sequel to Zachary, but even that’s not taking off like I’d expected.

So, I appear to be in some sort of transitionary period, where my brain’s recalibrating and (hopefully) preparing for the next character that can’t be ignored.

It feels so, so weird. I’m anxious for it to go away.

I plan to FORCE it to go away, by writing. Writing anything, freely, who-cares-what-it-is. Just get my fingers flying over the keyboard again, see what happens. It may be an entirely new character is waiting to be created. I did get a brand-new idea (a romance!) on the plane ride home from our NJ trip that’s kind of fun to think about… I just need to figure out which of the two characters in that story is the protagonist.

In general, these are the rough physical prototypes for the new story:

And the whole thing came to me from listening to this EP: We Can Make the World Stop.

Yeah, this one is fun.

 

 

My blogging situation

I am beginning to move away from this blog, in favor of blogging on my website. If you know my name, it’s http://myname.com. No spaces – just my first and last name dot com.

I’ll still use this one as I’ve always intended it: more or less as a diary. Meaning, I will still write here occassionally about personal things or anything I wouldn’t want the professional writing community to read for whatever reason.

So, if you’re so inclined, go check out my website and if you want to give me any suggestions or ideas to improve it, please feel free. I like the site so far, but I still have more to add to it. I want it to be a good representation of my writing range.

My journey to landing an agent just began in earnest last week. I sent my samples out to the two interested agents… but one of them has a “full mailbox” and so my email bounced back three times. I’ll wait a couple more days, and try re-sending it. Hopefully by then she’ll have checked her email! I have to say I don’t see this as an encouraging sign, because I would want my agent to be professional in all regards, and that includes keeping her email account active. We’ll have to see.

And no news is good news with the other agent, I’m thinking. I don’t expect the first agent to be the one that “bites”… I’m all set to query the next batch of agents I’ve pinpointed through my research. I will be doing that next batch– it will be 4 or 5 at a time– this week. Not sure which day, but it’ll happen. I remain psyched.

In other news, I’ve got a really painful bout of sciatica going on these days. Holy crap. It’s doing something I’m calling “seizing up” whenever I first stand up after sitting for awhile. The pain just shoots down my nerve and the muscles around it almost freeze so I can’t put my foot flat on the ground. It only lasts a few seconds, but it’s ridiculously painful for those seconds. I’m trying not to be a wimp, and definitely trying not to complain about it, but there are times when I can’t hide it– like those “seizing up” moments. I tend to gasp a little, or make an involuntary little noise. Because of this, I chose not to go to a social event on Friday night where I could have possibly spoken to the guy I kind-of like. First, I was in no shape to do a lot of walking around or sitting on bar stools, etc… and second, if I ended up looking like a total gimp or something, that would be counterproductive. Mehh. It sucks a whole lot. It really does. I hate my spine.

I’m giving it another week or so to see if it eases up on its own. It usually does. This happened around this time last year, too. I do know what to do to take care of the problem: lie flat with my knees bent with an ice pack on the discs for 15-25 minutes at a time; do my stretches after a hot shower or using the heating pad; sit up straight and only wear shoes with a lot of support and no heels. I broke out the hydrocodone on friday. I had to. I rationed it all year so I would have it on-hand when I truly needed it. I’ve only taken it twice so far since Friday, but I will take it again if I absolutely have to.

When these sciatica episodes happen, I wind up feeling depressed at the same time. No coincidence there, really. I feel trapped in this body, with the constant pain, and I am self-conscious about how I move and walk around. I try to pass it off like I am just fine when I’m in public because I hate when someone asks me if I’m OK. If it gets to the point that someone has to ask, that means I failed at hiding it. I kind of pride myself on my high tolerance for pain… I know that’s kind of weird. But I do. I have some kind of sciatic nerve pain every single day of my life. But you know how it is with things that are chronic: You get used to it. You find ways to cope and keep things under control. It becomes no big deal. It really does. Because if I were to give in and take meds for each little twinge and pain, I’d be on all kinds of drugs all the time, probably. And I’d be whining a lot, too. Both in writing and in person. Nah. I do not want to be that way. And I don’t need to be that way, thankfully. Like I said, I have the “gift” of a high pain tolerance.

Anyway, I have already blabbed enough about this. As I was saying, I’ll give this another week or so and if it doesn’t get better by then, I’ll call the last spine specialist I saw last year and see if I can get started on a pain management treatment plan. My friend L at work got two cortisone injections when her sciatica was acting up, and it worked great for her. I will look into that. (The only thing holding me back is the fact that insurance only covers a portion of the expense b/c it’s not a “medical necessity.” The things that are excluded from insurance coverage are ridiculous sometimes. I’d say pain relief from not one but THREE ruptured discs should be a necessity, wouldn’t you? But last year when I looked into it, one injection would cost me around $450 AFTER insurance. Yeeesh! However, thanks to changes from the federal government, my insurance company is one of the ones that has had to answer for their sins against patient care– maybe if I look into it now, it would be different! I know I no longer pay for my birth control pills, or my annual well woman visit… seriously, NO co-pays. I love it. Maybe now the insurance will cover more of the expense of the injection.)

OK, my bitching about my sciatic nerve is done.

Now I really do need to get down to work. I’ve got a lot of assignments this week and very little time to get them finished. Also? I got my latest jury duty notice recently. I am supposed to report on Wednesday for jury duty. As most of you know, this is a common occurrence for me. But I’ve lost count. This is either the 13th or 14th time in 14 years I have been called to jury duty in AZ. I am NOT JOKING. They can serve you with any number of court notices: it could be superior court, or the local municipal court. I get called to both. I’ve had to show up in person only twice and I have yet to serve on an actual jury! Usually, I call the day before I find out my group doesn’t need to appear. I wonder if that’s why my name keeps getting thrown back into the system so much.

Either way, it totally doesn’t seem fair at all. I know people who have lived here as long as I have, and have NEVER been called once! I’ve looked into this and asked questions to try to find out why I am always called, and the answer is that names are chosen “by computer, at random” from a database made from the motor vehicles department and voter registration records. I’ve wondered if I had traffic tickets or any kind of misdemeanors on my record, if maybe they wouldn’t call me as often? Would doing something bad help push me to the bottom of the juror list? Probably not. Still, I do wonder…

I am so sick and tired of getting these notices in the mail every 6 months or so. I wonder if I move away, if another state will harass me this frequently, too. Probably not.

Truly scary

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I wish it were different this year. Normally, I’d be all excited and geeked out about it being Halloween. But then, Hurricane Sandy hit, and it changed a whole lot.

It’s still surreal that a storm of such force slammed NJ and hit hardest right where I grew up. I realized the majority of my FB friends are from the East Coast, because whenever someone posted about something other than the storm, I was surprised. Over the weekend when they were talking about the storm, I thought it would just be like the other hurricanes over the years: a little flooding along the coast, some trees and power lines knocked down, but nothing major. I remember how we all panicked back in 1985 with Hurricane Gloria. We were evacuated, and went to stay the night at my friend Tracy’s house since they were at a much higher elevation than we were in Atlantic Highlands. And then nothing really happened. I think we got some water in the basement, but that was pretty much it. (And water in the basement at that house was nothing new… happened almost any time it rained hard.)

On Monday, everything became more severe. The flooding was already starting, and spots along the shore were already underwater. People were being evacuated, and I got pretty scared. My sister and I talked to our dad, who lives in a coastal zone only a few blocks from the bay, and he said he wasn’t going to evacuate. He was still of the same mind that this storm wouldn’t be as bad as they were saying it was gonna be. But yeah, as the hours went by and the news kept coming in about how bad it was getting, we got VERY worried about him. (Not necessarily his wife, of course. She could stay in a dangerous, flooded house and we wouldn’t blink an eye.)

Yesterday I had to stay home to take care of my back and sciatic nerve, so I was glued to FB and the internet for the latest news about what had happened back home. It just got worse and worse.

Entire houses were pulled from their foundations and were drifting in the flood water or were blown out to sea. Boats in the Atlantic Highlands marina were thrown up and into the neighborhoods, so several houses actually had damage from boats hitting them in addition to the expected hurricane damage. It seemed like almost every friend on FB lost a tree or even a car in the storm. A LOT of big trees came down. One of my friends posted a photo she’d taken while driving down route 36– someone’s back porch was in the highway. It had been ripped off a house, and was now floating into the road. Crazy!

The photos and videos just make me so sad. I keep getting all emotional and crying, the more I see. I am really upset about Seaside and the other boardwalks, because that’s what NJ is all about, to me. Those boardwalks are so important to all of us in NJ. Everyone went there while growing up, every summer… all our lives. Everyone. I can’t think of a single person back there who doesn’t have very specific memories of at least one or two of those boardwalks. (For the record, my favorites were Seaside, Point Pleasant, Ocean City, Asbury Park and Cape May/Wildwood.) Like, Remember when Asbury was beautiful in the 1970s, and then it went to the crackheads in the 80s? And then it was brought back from the dead in the 2000s by a thriving, passionate gay community? Or Remember going to Wildwood after the senior prom? Or Remember when Kid’s World burned down in 1986, down in Point Pleasant? That sucked! Or Remember going to Keansburg and steering clear of the white trash that congregated along the beach there? But it was worth going there because the games were great, and that italian ice place was the best.

Every single morning from 1993-1997, I drove down Ocean Avenue in Seabright to go to college. We lived in Belford at the time, so I’d take 36 down, over the bridge, and follow that road all the way down to Monmouth. I took that route in particular because as you go east on 36 through Highlands, you can see the ocean ahead. Then you go over the drawbridge and get a great view of the water right beyond the ocean retainer wall. I always looked for whales! I always had hopes that I’d happen to spot a tail or a waterspout in those few minutes I had, but I don’t think I ever did. Sometimes, if the weather was bad, the waves would crash up against the retainer wall, and you’d see water splash up over the rocks! One time, during finals for the fall semester, I remember I was driving home during a really bad storm. I had to detour through Little Silver and Rumson because Ocean Ave. had flooded when the ocean came over the wall. I turned left at the intersection below. It looked like this, back then:

Hurricane Sandy turned it into this:

I am just stunned. It’s insane.

One of the worst things about yesterday was not being able to get in touch with our Dad. None of the phones were working. Miraculously, a girl I know on Facebook messaged me and offered to walk over and check on my Dad! I was floored that she would do that. I haven’t seen her in over 20 years, since we were in Girl Scouts together! But I guess once a troop member, always a troop member, right? She went to his house and let him call me on her cell phone. He was so happy and incredulous that he could call us! He had no electric since 8pm Monday night, no phones or internet…nothing. Fortunately he has a gas water heater so they could still take warm showers. But there’s no sign as to when the electric will come back on at this point.

I finally heard from Kristen this morning. She’s in the dark, too, and she’s not even on the shore. They have no electric or phones either. She finally got cell service after driving around for awhile. She said it’s so trippy, how everything is dark and everyone’s learning to live “like it’s the 1700s or something.”

And if all goes according to plan, tomorrow I will be there, staying as a guest in her 1700s-style house.

That’s because T and I are going back for her friend Amy’s wedding on Saturday.

We’ve been planning the trip since July or so. No one had a clue this would happen. As of right now, Amy’s wedding is still on (fortunately, it’s a smaller wedding at a restaurant) and our flight to Newark is still on schedule. What kind of NJ we’ll be landing in is another story. Nothing’s on schedule, nothing is working out.

The schools in Middletown will be shut down until November 13.

Kristen warned me to bring lots of warm clothes because they have no heat, and don’t expect a hot shower. They’re boiling water to bathe in. This is so crazy…! We don’t know if the electric will come back on while we are there, or not. How frickin’ weird is that?! It will be like camping. In suburban NJ. It’ll be like that show Revolution. I hope it won’t be completely apocalyptic, but we’ll see how it goes. As of now, the looting is starting, sadly. It’s really, really scary and disgusting.

But people are pulling out the kindness in droves, though. Left and right, friends who fared better than others are offering to help anyone who needs a place to stay or a hot shower. Some men are driving out in their trucks to bring water or batteries to people who need them, or offering to cut apart fallen trees. No one’s asking to be paid, of course. It’s definitely heartening to witness all of this on Facebook right now. It’s such a community back there, it really is. I mean, my friend from Girl Scouts absolutely did not have to offer to do that. I hadn’t even considered asking anyone to go check on my Dad, thinking they all have problems of their own! But yet, she still did ask, and it made such a tremendous difference for my family.

I absolutely love New Jersey. I always have, of course. And you guys who read my blog know how serious I have been about my love, for awhile now… and how I want to move back home soon.

This tragedy almost makes me want to move back even more.

I can’t explain it. It’s just that I feel a pull to be there, to help it bounce back, to help out people who might need it… people who would help me, or have helped me. I don’t even know most of my neighbors out here in AZ, and I never have. And the ones I do know are weirdos that freak me out. I couldn’t imagine people out here pulling together to help each other if a catastrophe hit here. What I think would happen would be much more of an “every man for himself” situation, with people hoarding supplies and leaving town as soon as word came that there was trouble coming. They’d probably even leave their PETS behind, if the foreclosure crisis was any indication of people’s behavior when they are forced to leave their homes. It’s just different out here. No one has long-term roots. It would be very nice if I was wrong about the community-factor kicking in… if people did turn out to be helpful to others even if they had nothing to gain by doing so… but I swear to God, I can’t imagine it. It’s very different out here. (I know it’s the same story in Vegas, Cupcake Blonde, right?) Must be something about cities that are migratory and not full of a stationary population. Mehh.

So, I don’t really know what to expect when (and if) we get to NJ tomorrow. I will take lots of photos, for sure. Part of me doesn’t even want to go anymore, knowing the whole trip is going to be strained and sad.

But I do know that T and I have some incredible friends there, and they’re taking this so well. I know we’re going to find ways to have fun, and we’re going to laugh really hard like usual… it’ll be so good to be there with them.

I wonder if NJ will ever look the same again. I mean, will the boardwalks all rebuild? So many structures cannot be replaced. I got all teared up when I saw a photo of the merry-go-round at Keansburg, crushed by a building. Where do you go to get a new carousel, for Christ’s sake? Who knows? Anyway, I really do have high hopes that things can and will get back to normal at some point in the future. Hopefully not too far into the future, but still. It has to happen.

It’s New-fuckin’ Joisey! Only the strong survive!

The tale of two agents

I can safely declare the Writing Conference a complete success! Here’s the rundown:

I left around 7am on Friday, with printed directions from Google, because I still don’t know how to use my GPS in the car. It’s not that I tried to understand it and couldn’t figure it out; it’s because I don’t care enough to find out how to use it. I do like seeing the map that tells me where I am at any given time, though. It’s pretty.

The drive out took longer than expected, mostly because of traffic once I got closer to Los Angeles. After Indio, CA, in fact… it was all a pain in the ass. But at least I didn’t get lost, and my car behaved very, very well. All in all, it was 409 miles.

I liked the hotel. Very contemporary, and most of the Conference activities were right downstairs. I didn’t use my car until it was time to leave on Sunday. My room was nice, but there was a strange little problem: the toilet smelled bad. It got better after the cleaning crew were in there, but it only came back as the hours went by. I have no clue what was wrong, and I didn’t care enough to bitch about it. I just kept the door closed and tried not to think about it.

Which wasn’t hard to do. I had so many other, wonderful things on my mind the entire time I was there!

The speakers were great. I took all kinds of notes and learned quite a bit about the publishing business itself (the legal issues seminar was of particular interest) and got some fantastic ideas and new techniques to try out as I build a story. I loved it so much… just being there, surrounded by people just like me, listening to speakers who clearly knew what they were doing and were willing to share knowledge with the rest of us, and only thinking about writing… ahhh! I can’t really explain it well, but it definitely felt amazing and totally new.

What a vast difference it is attending a conference like this, where I personally care about the subject, and attending conferences for work. Never once did my mind wander off somewhere else as a speaker talked. I didn’t feel like taking a nap in the middle of the day. And I didn’t question my life choices that led me to this point in my life. (Which is something that tends to cross my mind at least a couple of times whenever I am working at a conference, for the past 12 years or so now… I’m always like, “This can’t be all I am meant to do.” I’ve always wanted to be a fiction writer, so I’d spend all those other conferences daydreaming about my books. I have the notes to prove it, too. Some people doodle when they’re bored; I write scenes and notes.)

I made a couple of friends there, too. Friday night was a cocktail reception to mingle with the other attendees. I stood in line for the cheese and crackers in front of a girl with my same first name, and we started chatting. Turns out she is writing a YA fantasy novel and we tried our pitches out on one another. She lives in CA now, but was born and raised right here in Mesa. We talked about local restaurants and quirks of the city (ahem, Mormons everywhere) and basically hit it off. It was fun to just blab about the process of writing, of walking around with characters in your head all day, of the anxiety and excitement we felt about being there at the conference… I’m really excited to have made a new friend. We plan to become readers for one another if we’re working on something and we need an outside opinion. Yay!

I also noticed at least 3 very cute guys there. One was downright sexy, actually. Dark, curly hair and scruff… he was always smiling and chewing on his pen. He wore a 3 piece suit the first day, which was enough to make me nuts right there. Something about a classy, well-dressed, scruffy (!) guy in a suit just wows me, lately. And to know he was a bit of a nerd… a writer?! Too much, too much! I really was dying to find an excuse to talk to him (especially once I noticed there was no wedding ring), but it never materialized. Not to blame my new friend, but my best opportunities happened to be moments when she was talking to me and I couldn’t just walk away from the conversation. Oh, well.

It was just nice to see that kind of eye candy. And know that there are smart, handsome guy writers out there. They do exist. That’s such a relief. Maybe one day, just maybe… I can land me one of my own.

Saturday afternoon was the Pitch Slam. Every single person I talked to was nervous and freaking out as we stood in line to go into the room where the agents waited. People were rehearsing their pitches out loud to themselves, and one woman was apparently meditating with something in her hand… a crystal? Or a cross? No idea.

I had only come up with my pitch in the hour prior to the PS. I’d gotten ideas throughout Friday and Saturday regarding what I should do and what points I should hit, so at lunchtime I went to my hotel room and wrote the whole thing out on the tiny hotel notepad. Then I practiced reading it out loud, timing myself… and I came in under the 90 second mark, which was the goal! (We had 3 minutes total with each agent. The first 90 seconds, the author makes their pitch. The remaining 90 seconds was for the agent to give you feedback about your pitch, how you can improve it, ideas for what to do/ not do, etc… or, if you were lucky, they’d give you their business card and ask you to send some of your work to them because it intrigued them.)

So, I went down to the PS feeling a lot better now that I had a pitch in my hand. I didn’t plan to read it, of course. But now I had a real idea of what to say about my book that would make it stand out. That’s all I wanted.

It was PACKED in the PS. I think there were at least 12 agents in there, so there were also 12 lines of people lining up to talk to each agent. Some lines were so long, they snaked into a curve around other lines. Suddenly, I was very nervous.

I finally got up to the first agent and felt like I was bombing. It was because I wasn’t breathing right, and my face was all hot and blushing. But I pushed through, said my main points, and waited to hear the criticism. However…

The agent smiled and asked me a question I was able to answer really easily (and I can’t recall what it was now!) and then she slid her business card across the table. “Can you please send me the first 50 pages of your manuscript? I’d love to take a look.”

H O L Y  S H I T ! !

Unbelievable. I had prepared myself mentally that an agent asking for a partial was unlikely, because the PS event’s real purpose is to help you develop your pitch, itself, with feedback from real agents.

I went to my second agent. She was visibly excited and said, “Oh, wow!” twice about two of my major plot points. When I told her how it could be marketed (it’s a cross between this and this), she said, “See? You just did one of the more difficult things for a writer, and the agent both: you gave me the marketing line. Wonderful!” and then, under her breath, she actually said, “I could sell this.”

This agent wanted to see the first 3 chapters, as well as a summary paragraph of what my plans are for the sequel!

I was TWO for TWO.

Much, much, much more than I ever expected! I don’t know why I am so convinced that no one’s going to like my book and they will only think I’m weird for writing such a story, but I’m finally learning to get over that and have faith in my work. It’s good. It is. I worked so long and so hard on this thing. I have revised and edited like crazy. It’s time to see what everyone else thinks!

I spoke with two more agents after that. The third was receptive but told me that my story sounded a little too sci-fi for her, but my pitch was excellent. The fourth agent was just STRANGE. She just sat there and stared as I told her my pitch, and when I ran out of time, she just raised her eyebrows and goes, “Thank you. Good luck,” and looked to the next person in line. Later, I heard that she did this with pretty much everyone who pitched to her, so I didn’t feel bad. Maybe she was a robot. The PitchBot 2000!

So, I rode the high of knowing two agents were interested enough in what I told them about my book to want to see more. The feeling is amazing, and so validating. My family and friends are just as excited as I am, and now I can’t wait to do the actual queries now that I’m home and I’ve had time to tweak my query letter and develop the summary to the sequel.

So, in the end, this was the most worthwhile experience. I am so grateful I was able to do it, and that I gathered my courage and did what I set out to do: pitch the hell outta my book. Pitching isn’t easy, at all. But I did it. That’s what counts!

I’d love to go to another writing conference sometime. Too bad so many of them are expensive! I’ll just have to see how things pan out. For now, I came home with all the takeaways I could have hoped for, and the crazy-amazing bonus of two agents’ personal business cards… I’m good for awhile.

What the Pitch Slam looks like!

Two days

ZOMG!!! The writer’s conference is this Friday. I have today and tomorrow to prepare and then… that’s it. I am off to Los Angeles!

The good news is my entire manuscript is complete. I formatted it according to industry standards and did a hard edit on it. I eliminated about 1,500 words and fixed a few problems I spotted once I read it on Kindle. (Amazing how seeing it in a different format brings a hundred little issues to light!)

My networking cards arrived today. They look fantastic! The only problem is that I hate the wording I entered when I designed the card: “Fiction Novelist.” Now… why in the world would I put something so redundant on my networking card? When I’m trying to be seen as a professional writer?! Oh my god. I’m so angry at myself! It would have been fine to just put the word “Fiction” up there. Why I thought adding “novelist” was a good idea, I’ll never know. I did design the card in the wee hours of Saturday morning, and I probably was a little stupid by that time of the night/morning. UGH. Well, at least it’s a start. At least I will have something to hand people and maybe I can make a joke out of the novelist part, with the right kind of people.

I still need to get some outfits together. Might need to go shopping tonight to finally get some sophisticated-looking tops and dress pants. And shoes. Dear god… the shoes. I need “lady shoes” so badly right now! I have all the Converse sneakers and sandals I could ever want. But something with a pointy toe and a nice style… that would be a good thing. (I have bad taste when I try to find this stuff on my own, so I’m hoping my sister can help me pick something out.)

I also need to work on my pitch. I keep trying and it’s definitely harder than I thought it would be. Trying to distill what this book is about into 4 or 5 sentences. And have it sound enticing to hook readers in. Good thing they have the pitch session the night before the pitch event itself. I’m gonna need it.

And I want to print out a copy or two of my manuscript. It’s 400+ pages. Not exactly something I can run off at work, that’s for sure. And I honestly don’t know if my home printer can handle it. I’m comparison shopping Kinko’s, Staples, OfficeMax, etc to see which one might be the best deal for printing it. Scary… if they charge $.08 a page, I’ll be spending about $32.00 per copy of my book! Dear G O D !

Maybe it will be cheaper to just buy extra ink cartridges and some reams of paper and do it myself at home. It’ll take at least an hour since my printer’s slow, but… it could be the best option.

So many things on my mind. I have to remember that this conference should also be super enjoyable. It’s not just about being ultra-professional and serious about finding an agent/ publisher. I’m going to have more than 2 days with fellow fiction writers; people who care about the same thing I’m passionate about! I’ll be among My People. (Not like at all the conferences I attend for work, where I’m just counting the hours until I can go to the airport and go home.) I’ll get to devote all my attention to the nuances of writing and how to make my own writing even better. That’s pretty damn cool.

And, I’ll be staying in a very nice hotel, in Hollywood. In any downtime I have, I’m sure I’ll enjoy the setting. I’ll have my own car, so I can take a drive if I want to. I also love long car rides with my music playing at a high volume. I’ll get that, too. I look forward to making new friends and networking with writers and writer-types. Despite my worrying and anxiety over the details beforehand, I know I’ll wind up having FUN.

That’s all that matters, really!

 

 

Dogs’ day out

So, this weekend I didn’t do any writing or editing. It was really nice, but… I’m ready to get back into things again. But more on that in a minute.

I spent a lot of time with my sister this weekend; we had dinner out, we got wigs for our Halloween costumes, we played with her dog and she took photos of me that I can hopefully use on my new writing-only website. Yesterday, we took all three of our dogs out for a long walk at the park near my house. Jack is all over the place with excitement and puppy energy. Moose trotted along on his stubby little legs, tongue out and panting but he seemed super happy to be there. Hurley, on the other hand…

He does not like to walk long distances. I don’t know how much of it is caused by his weight and how much of it is just plain laziness and dislike of going for walks in the daytime. Because we’ve had some night walks that were at least as long as our walk yesterday (should have been). And he never once would sit down on those walks. Yesterday, he laid down so many times we lost count. Yes, it was kind of hot out and with all that fur, he’s not a dog made for strenuous activity in AZ heat. But I also gave him a lot of water along the way. And we walked along a shady path.

I still feel bad because he IS overweight. Just like me. It’s unacceptable to have pet dogs that are fat, I know. I plan to get them moving faster on our night walks and keep pushing the distance out again now that it’s cooling off. We all tend to do our share of moseying along on most of our walks. It’s time to stop sniffing and air-peeing on everything and get moving. (I’m the one who does the sniffing and air-peeing. Of course.)

My sister took some fantastic photos of our dogs yesterday. Here’s a couple of my favorites:

Jack, Hurley and Moose near the end of our walk

See sheep run. Run from loud, rude dogs.

First time all three boys have been in a car together! They did wonderful.